Big Top

Chapter 36

Just ignore the tattoos in the picture :)

After nearly a month, my mind was a little more at peace about what happened earlier that month. Louis was a tremendous help to me through it all. If I did not have Louis or Matthew my thoughts would drive me insane. I try to keep busy so my mind can't wonder too much. My greatest enemies are my own thoughts because they turn against me. My thoughts made me believe I deserved some punishment or pain for the bad I had done. Sometimes my thoughts got the best of me and I let them control me, but then before I went completely mental, Louis was there to wrap his arms around me. I used to believe that I was strong, but circumstances have shown that I am actually the weak one and Louis is the strong one. I don't like being weak, but I don't mind it as much since Louis is there to be strong for me. I hate when I put that burden on him sometimes, but like always, he says he doesn't mind. And then there's our little Matthew. Louis is my angel and Matthew is my little cherub. Words cannot express how much I love Matthew and how much I love that Louis and I are fathers. It really blows my mind sometimes. "Maaaaatthew? Maaaatthew?" I cooed, stretching his name out while trying to get him to look at me. I sat on the bed with Matthew in my lap facing me, but all he seemed to care about was looking over his shoulder for Louis. "Daaaaady? Matthew's looking for you." I called Louis to come out from the closet.

"Daddy's getting dressed, baby! Play with Dada!" Louis hollered so we could hear him. Matthew smiled brightly when he heard Louis's voice. Louis and I had decided that since Matthew has started becoming more observant that he might start figuring out who we are and be able to identify us. So, we've started calling each other Daddy and Dada. Only in the privacy of our car of course, it's a little strange sometimes, but I think Matthew has gotten the idea. "Matthew! Beebee, I'm talking to you!" I softly cooed, picking him up and holding him to my chest. Our faces were level and I started kissing all over his face making him squeal excitedly. When I pulled back, Matthew opened his mouth wide and dove right on to my nose getting slobber all over my nose. I winced, buy then u realized what he was doing. "Louis!" I pulled Matthew off of me and then Louis rushed out of the closet.

"What? What's wrong?!" His face held a panicked expression.

"Kisses! Louis, Matthew just kissed my nose!" I exclaimed and stood from the bed.

"Kisses?!" Louis said excitedly. He wrapped his arms around both Matthew and I and kissed Matthew on the cheek. "Matthew, can daddy have kisses too?"

"Give daddy kisses." I said, tapping Louis's cheek. Matthew opened his mouth wide and plopped his wet, slobbery mouth right on Louis's cheek. We both smiled, cooed, and maybe even cried a little. "Oh, my baby's growing up so fast!" Louis took Matthew into his arms and cuddled him to his bare chest. My heart felt so full as I watched them together. They both held my heart — them and Jean. I hadn't even met Jean yet and I had fallen in love with her just from her pictures. I couldn't wait until we finally got Jean, then our little family would be complete.

"Growing up too fast!" I kissed Matthew's cheek then Louis cheek. Louis smiled and leaned in again to kiss my lips. Matthew giggled at us and both Louis and I started laughing before our lips were separated. "Why do you think that's so funny?" I laughed as I asked Matthew the question only making him cackle more.

"I love when he does that, means I have an excuse to kiss you." He smiled then kissed me again. And of course Matthew was laughing.

"Do you need an excuse to kiss me?" I sassed and kissed him back.

"Never." I kissed him a little deeper making Matthew laugh louder. "Ok," Louis pulled away laughing, "we need to stop." He said then kissed my neck softly before walking back to through closet to find a shirt.