𝐄𝐍𝐃𝐋𝐄𝐒𝐒 | f. w

xxxviii. daydreams

chapter thirty-eight
DAYDREAMS

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» » BEING HAPPY felt like something Edith owed to herself, yet, something about it made her feel extremely guilty as well. Here she was, living the life she always wanted, a life that so many others never even got the chance to have. Her mother. Her father. George.

The sole reason why she left five years ago was because she couldn't deal with knowing that the people she cared so badly about were no longer there to live their lives, and so she couldn't let herself live hers. She wouldn't be able to live with herself if she tried to pretend things were normal, and so she left all that behind.

Coming back four years later and getting to a point where she allowed herself to be happy had finally caught up with her. She had been careless, selfish to think she would ever be able to leave the grief and the heartbreak behind and be happy with Fred for the rest of her life. It was nice for a little while—she actually believed that she deserved to feel all those things she had longed for—but eventually time catches up to you, and reality sets in.

Edith stared at the ceiling, her mind working on overload with trying to sort out the thoughts occupying it. It was the middle of the night, and she hadn't been able to fall asleep at all, even with the ginger man lying beside her, a protective arm around her waist.

You're making a mistake.

You love him.

He deserves so much more than this.

He wants you.

You're holding him back.

You're making him happy.

Why are you being so selfish?

Why are you even considering this?

You're only making things harder by staying.

Imagine the look on his face when you tell him.

If you leave now, you'll soften the blow.

He needs you.

One day, he'll understand.

The thoughts were racing inside her head, battling for dominance. Nothing made sense at all, and she couldn't for the life of her figure out what to do. She loved Fred—in fact she never loved anyone more—but that didn't take away the fact that she was even considering the fact that leaving him would be better for everyone. She might have been in a good place, but that didn't mean she wouldn't fall back into that dark, endless pit she had been in all those years ago, and who was she to pull him in there with her?

✦✧✦

Edith

I know he must have noticed something was wrong. I was barely speaking with him, and on the rare occasion that I did—-I muttered short replies like "sure", "okay", whatever" and "goodnight". I was making it obvious I was struggling with something, and so I wasn't at all too surprised when he kept on asking if things were okay.