𝐄𝐍𝐃𝐋𝐄𝐒𝐒 | f. w

xlviii. therapy

chapter forty-eight
THERAPY

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This chapter includes scenes that might be upsetting to some readers. Please read with caution.

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» » DR MAYAN: I'm glad you finally decided to come back, Edith. It's been awhile since you last visited here. Why is that, do you think?

EDITH: I don't—I've been busy. My friends just got married.

DR MAYAN: That's fantastic. You must be happy for them.

EDITH: I am. They mean the world to me, so seeing them so in love—I-I can't describe the feeling.

DR MAYAN: Well, I'm glad you have so many people in your life who care about you, I hope you've finally realised that allowing yourself to be happy—truly happy—doesn't make you a bad person because of what you've been through. You're not your trauma, you're not your past, no matter how hard it seems to let go of it.

EDITH: I know... It's just—-I don't know. It's hard sometimes, I still have nightmares and wake up screaming sometimes and in those moments—I—I can't help but feel like the people around me would be better off if I left. You know—I—I don't want to make this harder for them than it has to be and I keep thinking "what if I just gave up"—you know—"what if I left all of this behind", maybe they would all be happier?

DR MAYAN: I think you're making a lot of sense. You've been through so much and it's not easy to live with it all. It doesn't get better over night, you know. You have to remind yourself, everyday, of how far you've come, how incredibly lucky you are to still be here.

EDITH: And what if I never get better? I think about that all the time. What if this is who I am now? I mean, I do have moments where I get to experience what it's like to be incandescently happy—most, if not all of them I spend with Fred—but then there's other moments... Moments where I'm reminded of my mistakes. How selfish and stupid I've been in the past, and suddenly I'm back there. I just can't seem to escape it however much I want to...

DR MAYAN: You will get there. You have time and you have people around you who are willing to lend a hand in anything you ask. You can do this, Edith. You just need a push in the right direction.

...

EDITH: Fred wants us to get married.

DR MAYAN: Wow. How do you feel about that? Excited?

EDITH: Honestly? It terrified the living hell out of me. I mean, why would he ever want to settle for someone like me? I'm broken—unfixable—and soon enough, he's going to recognise that.

DR MAYAN: He loves you, you have to trust that.

EDITH: And I do. I'm just—I just don't want him to marry me thinking it's going to be easy. It's not. I'm not.

DR MAYAN: Do you love him?

EDITH: What?

DR MAYAN: Do you love him? Do you love Fred?