𝐄𝐍𝐃𝐋𝐄𝐒𝐒 | f. w

xlix. harder than we thought

chapter forty-nine
HARDER THAN WE THOUGHT

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» » THINGS WEREN'T SUPPOSED to be like this. It wasn't supposed to be this hard, this complicated to move on, and leaving the past behind was anything but easy for Fred and Edith, whom both struggled to make everyday work. Fred was still having visions and nightmares of the fateful night when he lost his brother, and Edith struggled to cope with the PTSD she still felt after losing both her parents as well as losing Fred on several occasions and having to deal with the grief of Lena's suicide. Things weren't looking particularly good for either one of them, and as much as they loved that they had found their way back to each other; life was anything but sunshine and clear blue skies for them it turned out.

In fact, the pair found themselves so occupied with their troubling thoughts, that the distance between them grew longer with each passing day.  In the morning, they'd barely say a word to each other before running off to work (Fred at the shop in Diagon Alley and Edith back to her position as Care of Magical Creatures professor at Hogwarts), and when the evening came and they both returned home, seeing and interacting with one another seemed equally exhausting. It was just easier, pretending things were okay between the two of them and ignoring whatever problem they actually had going on. Pretending meant they didn't have to face reality.

But that didn't mean they weren't in any pain, or suffering from being so close to each other yet so far away. In fact, both Fred and Edith suffered a great deal, their gruesome thoughts haunting them every minute of every day, reminding them of where they stood. It didn't help either, that they were both equally stubborn, refusing to be the one to start talking, and so it was well overdue when they finally did.

Fred was the one who broke the silence.

"What are we doing Edith?" he sighed, his voice on the verge of breaking as he finally forced her to listen to him and placing his hand under her chin to pull her gaze towards him. "What is this?"

Edith sported a thin-lipped frown. "What do you mean?"

"You know what. This", he motioned between the two of them, "what's going on? Why aren't we talking like we used to? Why are things weird between us? They never used to be like this. You used to talk to me, god damn it, and now—now it just feels like you don't even want to be in the same room as me. Like you're in pain just being around me." He let a deep sigh escape him, his hands grasping hers firmly, something between a frown and a sad smile across his face. "I want to help you, love. Please talk to me. Whatever it is that you're going through, I'm here. I'll always be here. Just—please let me help you."

"I don't want you to!" the brick wall which Edith had been attempting to hide behind had  suddenly cracked open, all of her feelings coming up to the surface. Some of them, she didn't even realise herself she was harbouring. "Don't you understand?! I don't want you to have to help me! I don't want to be this burden that I've always been to you! It's not fair to you or to anyone. It's not supposed to be like this, it never was. I never wanted you to take care of me, to feel this obligation to have to look after me every single day. To wake up in the middle of the night to my screaming, or to have to ask me if I slept or ate at all. I don't want that! And I don't want you to want that either!"

At this point, the poor girl had had started sobbing, her eyes bloodshot from the salty tears leaking from her dark eyes. Fred tried to pull her towards him, but Edith couldn't be more reluctant to have him touch her if she tried. In that moment, she wanted nothing more than to just hide away in some corner of the world, where no one could touch or even find her.

"So what? I'm just supposed to stand back and watch you destroy yourself? I won't do it! I've already felt what it's like to lose you before, I won't do it again. Please, my love—don't do this. I can't and I refuse to accept whatever this is." Fred placed his hand back under Edith's chin, her amber eyes glistening with tears as they stared back into his. It was as if he was attempting to convince her not only with his words, but with his eyes too, not to do whatever she was on the edge of doing.

"I'm sorry", the young brunette cried, removing herself from his arms as she tried not to let herself be persuaded to stay. Because she knew he would try to do just that, and that he would succeed in it if she kept her eyes locked with his for just a second more.

"Just tell me one thing." Fred said before Edith had a chance to fully disappear out the door. She turned back slightly, but not enough to face him.  If she had, she probably would have searched his eyes for a reason strong enough to stay. "Would you have said yes? If I asked you—and for real—not in some weak, pathetic spur of the moment kind of way, but really asked—would you have said yes to me?"

Edith's heart nearly jumped out of her chest at his sudden but heartfelt question, her eyes finally finding his. It truly broke her, knowing she was—yet again—the reason for his pain and suffering, and that, because of her inability to make sense of herself or of the world; she wasn't able to give him what he truly deserved. It didn't matter how much she loved him, how badly she craved to be touched by or to touch him, because in the end; she didn't deserve him.

So she couldn't answer him. Not truthfully. Because she didn't know what she would've said, had her proposed to her for real. Did she want to say yes? More than anything. Would she have? There was no telling what she would done.

And now, none of that mattered anymore.

She had made the ultimate sacrifice.

⬩ word count: 1087