𝐄𝐍𝐃𝐋𝐄𝐒𝐒 | f. w

xlv. why am i like this?*

chapter forty-five
WHY AM I LIKE THIS?

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This chapter includes scenes depicting emotional trauma and attempts at suicide. Please read with caution.

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🥀

Edith

» » I ALWAYS THOUGHT I would die an old woman, warm in her bed. I had it all pretty much planned out from the get-go. I had dreams and aspirations, goals in need of fulfilling. I wanted to see the world, go traveling on my own before settling down someplace nice and meeting someone I would share in the rest of my life with. I was going to be happy, finally.

But that didn't happen. I guess some people just lose their way in life and end up missing their shot. Some people strive to reach their goals and yet, they never succeed with whatever it was they were fighting for in the first place. I guess that was what happened to me. I came so close to ending up where I truly wanted to, only to fall just before reaching the finish line. For awhile, I was happy, I had people in my life I cared about and who cared about me. I had a dream of continuing my research on various dragon breeds and I was going to spend my life proving to Fred Weasley that I was worthy of his affections.

And still, I ended up here. In the psych ward, barely holding on, losing all hope of ever getting out of this place.

I'm not going to get my happy ending, and in some weird sense, I'm okay with it. I've made my peace with it.

I at least get to leave this world knowing I got to taste what true happiness was like, even for just a second. And knowing that my friends—that Fred—have their whole lives ahead of them and every shot at being happy without me, truly happy—makes it just a little bit easier to leave them.

At least, that's what I keep telling myself.

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It doesn't hurt.

As the shard of glass comes in contact with my wrist, cutting straight through my skin and leaving an open, bleeding wound atop my old scars, I'm not in any pain.

It's a weird sort of feeling, one I can't even begin to describe, and it would surely make more sense of it actually did hurt, and yet, I can't help but feel a sense of relief about it all. I'm finally coming to terms with leaving all of this behind, and even though it pains me to leave all those so care so deeply about behind; I'm not entirely certain it's all a bad thing.

I'm making amends.

I'm letting go, and in turn, letting them go. Letting them all go.

I'm free now, and so are they.

All the pain and heartbreak that came with having to take care of me and my problems will seize to exist, and they won't ever have to worry about me anymore.

And so I'm finally doing something right.

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"What's going on?"

"Miss Gannon can you hear me? You're going to be okay. We need you to stay awake okay?"