Fermin Series #3: Playing Hearts (COMPLETE)

Chapter 32

I was exhausted, mentally and physically kaya lang hindi yata napagod ang utak ko at hindi pa rin matigil sa pag-iisip. I heaved a sigh. I felt Rerra hugging me even more. Umayos ako sa pagkakahiga sa kanyang dibdib. He adjusted himself and even pulled me closer to him. Wala sa sariling hinimas-himas ko ang kanyang dibdib. I could feel him breathing on my hair.

"Don't want this to end..." sa mahinang boses ay sabi ko. Ni hindi ko alam kung gising pa ba siya o ano.

But then I heard him sigh. "Me too..."

Napakurap-kurap ako. "We will go back to being stranger after this..." Parang may nagbara sa aking lalamunan habang sinasabi iyon. Napapikit ako. Shit. Really, Mina? You're torturing yourself!

But then it's the truth, and it fucking hurts. Ang malala pa, itong sakit na ito, hindi kaya ng bubble bath o ng kahit anong pag-baby niya sa akin. I don't even know what will happen once we go home.

Napalunok ako. I felt my eyes stinging.

"Bakit kasi hindi pwedeng maging friends lang tayo..." I wanted to slap myself for saying that. Wow, Mina. Wow!

"Fuck, Mina. I can't handle being friends with you when I know that I have feelings for you... and when I know that..." Tumigil siya. Doon ako tumingala. I saw him closing his eyes. He let out a sigh. "Maybe in time. Maybe pag naka move on na ako sa'yo.... We can be friends." He tried to sound that it was alright, but it's obvious that it's not.

It's not okay. Masakit. If there's one thing that's clear now, that would be my feelings. Manhid na lang siguro ang hindi makakapansin. I know he feels it, too. And maybe that's why it's even harder...because he knows it. He feels it, but he knows that I won't be able to stand for it so wala ring mangyayari. Hell, maging ako nga hindi ko kayang yakapin ang katotohanan, e.

Silence enveloped us. I heaved a sigh. Bumangon ako dahilan para mapadilat siya at mapabangon na rin.I saw him adjusting himself to lean on the headboard. Ako naman ay nakahawak sa comforter ko na ipinantatakip ko sa katawan ko. Kinuha ko iyong panty at upper na pantulog sa gilid ng kama at sinuot iyon. Wala pa ring nagsasalita sa amin. Nang tingnan ko siya at nakatitig din pala siya sa akin. Kinagat ko ang aking labi.

Umayos siya ng upo habang nakatitig pa rin sa akin.

"What happened earlier..." Nakagat niya ang labi, tila nahihirapan sa sasabihin.

Kinunutan ko siya ng noo.

"Was with consent..." pagpatuloy ko. "Sabi mo, one month di ba? Sabi mo kahit ngayon lang...k-kahit hanggang pag-uwi lang..." Napalunok ako. Fuck. I'm getting emotional again. Mariin akong pumikit. "This is me not holding back and being true, Rerra..."

From that moment, I knew he already know what I meant. For the first time, I didn't shrug what I was feeling. Tangina. Natalo na. Ito na nga ba ang iniiwasan ko, e. Hindi pa nga kami nagsisimula nito, masakit na, o. Paano pa kung tuluyan kaming pumasok? It won't be rainbows and butterflies, and seriously, I do not need dramas right now. Wala akong time. At mas lalong ayokong matulad sa mga kapatid ko.

Ngayon ngang nakikita ko na ang epekto niya sa akin, mas natatakot ako. I've fallen hard, alright. And this feeling scares me even more. I don't want to lose myself in the process. Ngayon pa nga lang hulog na hulog na ako, paano pa kung pumasok nga kami? I don't wanna be like Naga. He said that he's okay now, but halata namang may scar na naiwan iyong nangyari sa kanila ni Sky at Ara noon. I don't want that. I also cannot imagine the pain that Ate Wayven went through when she was sketchy with Drago before. I don't want to experience how Ate Nia was fucked up when she was involved with Gideon. Ayoko noon kaya hindi na dapat lumawig ito.

I'll let myself fall now, but once this is over, I need to get out of this well.

"Bakit kasi hindi pwedeng totoohanin, Mins?" he pleaded. Mas lalo akong naiiyakhabang nakatingin sa kanya. Ang namumungay niyang mata ay nangungusap. We were looking at each other and I am trying so freaking hard not to cry. Huminga ako nang malalim at mapait na ngumiti sa kanya. Hell, I didn't even know how I even managed to curve my lips.