My Lifeline - Jaywon Shortstories

Good Reason

"What do you mean?" asked Heeseung.

He hadn't been this worried since Sunghoon said he wanted a motorbike license.

Jay was rolled up like a ball in his blanket, on the sofa. Ruins of empty candy bags, potato chips and even a ice cream container miserably laid on the coffee table.
Heeseung realized just how bad things were when he noticed twilight playing on the tv.

"I mean we're over" said Jay once again.

His voice was void. Not a single emotion stood out of it.

"What? How?" asked Heeseung.

Jay didn't look at his roommate. He didn't have the strength to.

"Not now" he simply replied, in a painful whisper.

~

Jay's head was resting on Heeseung's lap. The latter hadn't insisted on anything. He just needed to be there for Jay.
And Jay would only talk when he would be ready.

He and Jungwon had met at university, through mutual friends. What started as an innocent "hello" before classes ended up in a beautiful friendship. Said friendship didn't stay just that for too long.
Before he knew it, Jay had caught butterflies and for once, it did feel nice.

Everything was easy with Jungwon. They had so many things in common that the conversation never ran out. One thing that always amazed Jay was that their silences were also good. They were natural.

Jay had had other boyfriends before, well, he had had two boyfriends before, however it wasn't the same with Jungwon. Nothing felt forced with him.

Now, Jay was known to collect crushes, but Jungwon wasn't a crush. It was his soulmate.

Jay knew that he loved Jungwon and that he would do anything for him, literally.

Thus three years of pure bliss had passed. As the two were both university students, they managed to spend a lot of time together. Between movie nights, karaoke sessions and quiet walks under the rain, the couple seemed perfect for each other.

~

Jay opened his eyes.

He was ready.

"I don't want children" said Jay, in a whisper.
"I know" said Heeseung, not understanding why Jay was saying that all of the sudden. "I remember when you changed your mind, you couldn't stop talking about that."

In fact, over a year ago, Jay had realized he didn't want children in his future. He liked kids, that wasn't the problem. No, the problem was that kids implied so much! Not only in his life, but also for the planet.

Jay had spent nights researching and the results, studies and numbers had convinced him. Having kids was the most horrible thing for the environment. When you think about it, just the amount of water that goes to serve the life of a person? It's enormous.
He had thought about adoption, and at first it had seemed a good idea. For him and for Jungwon. However after months of thoughts, Jay had decided against. He wanted to remain free of this responsibility.
This freedom would allow him to work hard to help many kids around the world, not "only" one.

"Jungwon wants kids" added Jay, frowning heavily.

Heeseung stayed stunned. The couple had worked this whole issue out a long time ago. Jungwon had accepted not having kids.

"What changed his mind?" asked Heeseung.
"He said he had agreed "for me", not because he thought the same as me" explained Jay. "This means that he had never changed his mind in the first place. He always wanted kids."

"Shit" whispered Heeseung. "Isn't it too soon to talk about this?"
"Of course not" said Jay. "I know what I want, and I will NOT force Jungwon to continue this relationship if he doesn't want the same thing. Could you imagine if in ten years from now he resents me for not having had children?"

Jay's voice shut down slowly.

"I could never do that to him" added Jay in a whisper. "I love him too much to take away his dream of family."

Heeseung nodded. He didn't know what to say.

"I was the one to break us up" added Jay. "I needed to give Jungwon his freedom back. I had to be strong and honest. He deserves to have what he wants, even if it's not with me. Of course, it's hard for the both of us right now, but I sincerely hope that Jungwon will move on and find someone with whom he will be able to achieve his dreams."

"How do you feel?" Heeseung eventually asked.
"Like a piece of old gum" replied Jay. "Useless."

"I think you're extremely mature. And the fact that you broke up with him just shows how much you love him. You put his future happiness before your actual pain" said Heeseung. "I don't know many people who would do that."

Silence wrapped them up. The voices from the forgotten movie were speaking in the background, but they didn't care.

"So what's next?" asked Heeseung.
"I have no idea" replied Jay. "I have to get over the love of my life? That sounds clearly impossible. Plus I don't think I want to get over him. I'll just be like Snape."

He had stopped crying for a while now, but the mention of the love of his life had brought the tears back.
Heeseung leaned forward to catch tissues.

"You know I'm there for you right?" asked Heeseung.
"You're the best friend someone could ask for, Hee" replied Jay.
"I know" said Heeseung, trying to break the tension with humor.

"I feel so bad" whispered Jay. "But I know that I can't keep Jungwon for myself like that. It would be extremely selfish. It's weird how it hurts even though I know it's for a good reason."