Sirius Expelled

Sirius Expelled Part 4

Disappointment.
The word was carved into Sirius's arm. On the right, the opposite of his Mark. He didn't know how long he had been passed out but it had clearly been some time. The skin around the letters was an inflamed red, the letters themselves scabbed over. They stung and itched Sirius's skin, deep down to his bones. He gently ran a hand over them and sucked in air as they burned. After taking another breath he slowly pulled himself to his feet. As he sat up, his muscles screamed and groaned in a fiery soreness and pain. Already, only a week after being expelled, he had already become familiar with it.
"Okay." he whispered to himself. "What exactly hurts. Concentrate on that."
But he couldn't. Something was wrong. Sirius's memories of the torture were fuzzy and confusing. He felt himself straining for the memories of his time at Hogwarts. It took him several minutes to remember what was happening. Where he was. After enough time he felt the memories had retired, but they felt soft around the edges. Shaking himself out of the confusion, he knew to take himself one step at a time.
He analyzed himself and figured that the only truly painful part was his arm. The soreness in his bones was real, but he knew it would fade and he would just have to wait.
Disappointment.
The word rang in his ears as he stared at the writing on his arm. It hurt, not in the deep pain from the cruciatus curse, but in a Muggle way. Like a knife had pierced through his skin and cut it. Not his mothers usual way of torture, but he didn't put it past her.
The cuts were different then the lacero curse too though. Lacero went deep, drawing blood and flaying his skin. These were less deep, but had been clear, intentional cuts that carved to leave scars.
Sirius wanted to feel mad, he wanted to feel anger, to feel something. But inside he just felt alone. Numb to the emotions he wanted to feel. Numb and empty to life.
"You need to fight back. You need to be strong!" his brain told him.
"I can't." he said back. "I tried and this is what happened."
"Remus wouldn't have let them walk over him. He wouldn't give up."
"Well I'm not Remus Lupin now am I?" he screamed to himself. "I'm Sirius Black, I always have been and always will be. I will never be Remus! And there's nothing I can do to stop it!"
He slumped again and curled back onto the floor. His face was close to the ground and he could smell a metallic scent of blood around it. Most likely vanished away, though he could tell it had been there. 
"I'm tired." he whispered out loud. "I can't do this."
So Sirius layed on the ground, exhausted and drained. He wanted Remus. Remus would come and heal him, take care of him, love him. Things were better with Remus. He knew his mother wouldn't come and check on him. And because he felt so done with everything, he transformed. He became Padfoot, who didn't interpret the pain, sadness, and fear in the same way. His double heartbeat pounded in his chest as the feelings went away. And he felt more free.

    The wolf howled at the moon, strong and brave. But more than anything, beautiful. His body rippled in the sky as Padfoot joined the howling, running through the Forbidden Forest. He was free, soaring over the plains as he ran, with endless energy, rushing around with his love. James and Peter couldn't keep up with the two, but they flew around the forest together. Free. At peace. Together. Remus snapped his jaw at Sirius, who rolled and barked playfully at him. They jumped, rolled, spun at each other, dancing under the moonlight. The wet grass tickled his paws as he bounded, freely with his love. Padfoot loved the nights. Just him and Moony, safe, happy, free. Freedom. The thing Padfoot craved more than anything else in the world.
"Awooooooo!" Moony howled again, arched at the moon.
Padfoot joined him, barking into the dark night sky. The two voices merged in a beautiful way. They raised their voices to the stars, calling out in their joy and sorrow. As creatures they didn't have to feel the confusing emotions. They only existed, Padfoot and Moony. Together. Forever.

Heavy footsteps pulled Sirius out of his daydream. He felt somewhere between life and death, between sleep and awake, between worlds of dreams and reality. Quickly he had the common sense to change back to human form, only seconds before the footsteps stopped in front of his door. He shut his eyes as fast as he could, and slowed his breathing as if he was sleeping. Although his heart pounded in fear and terror, he forced himself to breath slowly, feigning his sleep. The door opened, not softly but violently, forcing Sirius to use all his willpower to not flinch.
    "Where did I go wrong with you?" he heard his mother say, for once sadly. "My perfect heir. What a waste. A mistake is more like it."
    Suddenly, Sirius felt a pang of sadness. Maybe he was a mistake. Maybe he was a waste. Maybe she was right.
    Walburga sighed and turned on her heel, closing the door behind her. Sirius heard her footsteps head down the stairs and leave him alone. Once he was sure she was gone, he slowly pulled himself to an upright position. The words still stung his heart but he tried to push them away.
"Focus." he whispered to himself. "You're okay. You're safe."
Sirius looked around for his wand, to heal the cuts. He saw it further in a corner and he slowly crawled to it. Holding it shakily in his left, non-dominant hand, he pointed it at the cuts.
"Vulnera Sanentur." he said, waving the wand.
Nothing happened. Not the familiar warmth of the healing spells, nor the skin mending itself back together. The cuts stayed, strong and throbbing. Some sort of magic was stopping the healing process. Sirius sighed and shoved his wand back into his robe pocket. He looked around his room, feeling helpless and lost. He wanted to fall back to sleep and dream about Moony and himself. But Sirius was tired of feeling so helpless. He wouldn't let himself give everything up. Not now. Only, he had to play it better. He had to be more secretive if he wanted to survive his mother.
As Sirius stared around his room, trying to figure out how to sneak away again, when he saw the shattered mirror on the ground.
"James!" he whispered.
Sirius scrambled towards the shards of mirror glass on the ground, his heart pounding in a painfully strong way. He looked down at the broken glass, fear rising in his stomach. He pulled his wand back out and pointed it, shaking, as he held his breath.
"R-r-reparo." he said, praying that the spell would work.
The glass began to pull off of the ground, reforming a mirror. The tiny shards merged themselves back together and Sirius felt a spark of hope light in his chest. But as he slowly picked the mirror, the spark faded. The mirror had a large chunk missing from the middle, and the rest didn't shimmer with magic like before. The hint of a smile faded out and he set the mirror back down, defeated.
"Moony," he said out loud. "I miss you. And again, I'm sorry."
These words had become a staple of his life, something he had said every day for the past eight-or had it been nine?-days. He didn't care.
"You messed up, Sirius Black." he said, still speaking aloud. "You messed up badly."
    Sirius knew he couldn't leave his room at risk of his mother's wrath. But he felt fidgety, full of unyielding energy. Sirius was sick of zoning out to his memories of Hogwarts for entertainment. He knew he needed to move forward and figure out how to get by with what his life was now. He wasn't getting forgiven. He wasn't going back to Hogwarts. For his best chance at survival, he needed to play by his mother's rules. So instead of going off into his head, Sirius began to plot. And he plotted away.