Sirius Expelled

Sirius Expelled: Part 30

Okay, here we go! Tons of angst but to the end, we see our Wolfstar Reunion! This chapter has been written for months and I am so excited to post it. The beginning is a collection of things that happen for about seven months. Sirius is most dissociating and he's not really living during these months. It's kind of messy, just like his mind, but when Walburga starts talking to him, it's July 21st, 1978 just so you know.

TW's: dissociation, panic attacks, mental breakdown, semi-graphic self harm, a bit of homophobia (does this even fit with the other warnings?) torture, murder (two minor characters who we all love and one semi-major character we all hate), child abuse, suicidal thoughts/attempted suicide and a lot of painful angst. If the tags don't make it obvious, it's a dark, painful, slightly chaotic chapter. Take care, the fluff it fully non-existent (yes it's Wolfstar but like... nobody said it was going to be fluffy) and it's a rollarcoaster of pain.

The world had gone completely dark for Sirius. He didn't move, didn't breath, didn't eat but somehow he was still alive.

He didn't want to live anymore. Why did he get to live when Regulus died? Why did he have to live when Regulus was dead?

There was no point anymore. He should've died in that cave with his brother. At least it felt like he had.

He didn't know how but it occurred to him one day that Sirius was supposed to die in the cave with Regulus. They weren't supposed to live. Voldemort had sent them on a mission to die, likely because he knew that Sirius would never follow him and neither would Regulus. He'd trusted them with something to help himself, then he was going to let them die because he didn't care about anyone's life except his own.

Sirius couldn't help but wish that Voldemort's plan had succeeded.

He was alone. So, so alone. Nobody wanted him, nobody loved him. There was no point. Sirius was cutting, going deeper and deeper every day and yet the pain was never enough. He was never enough.

There was something about his weakness that made him stronger. Sirius was nearly numb to any feelings, any other emotion besides grief. He stopped sleeping because the nightmares got too bad, but then he spent the days in bed, tightly curled into a ball as he stared at his wall, his heart aching and pounding in relentless pain. His mind would spin with memories, Remus, James, Regulus. They took turns in his thoughts, running with each other as tears slowly dripped out of his eyes, running tracks down his face. Guilt would rile in his stomach and he was sick with grief. The pain would make his stomach cramp and his head pound and all he could do was ride it out. Wait for it to get easier, but it never did. It seemed impossible, like Sirius was rotting inside out and unable to do anything to stop it.

He was abandoned; alone. The only person he saw was Kreacher who delivered food that he didn't eat. The only time he wasn't alone was in his dreams, but they weren't dreams but nightmares.

"Andromeda?" Sirius asked, unable to mask his surprise. "Re-regulus? Nymphadora? Euphemia? Fleamont?"

The figures turned and Sirius couldn't see their faces. His heart was pounding in excitement and thankfulness.

"Thank Merlin that you're all safe," he began but he was cut off.

"You killed me." Andromeda breathed out and guilt suddenly dropped in Sirius's stomach like he'd fallen down a cliff.

"You let them hurt me." Nymphadora said in a small voice, her eyes full of tears as she spoke. "You scared me."

"You let me drown." Regulus accused. "You didn't try to save me. I shouldn't be dead. You let me die."

Sirius couldn't speak as the figures started towards him, fear shooting down his spine.

"You let them force me to kill my husband and then stood there as your cousin murdered me. The Imperius curse? How could you?" Euphemia asked, her normally kind voice full of malice.