Sirius Expelled

Sirius Expelled Part 20

TW: Panic attacks, dissociation, self harm, suicidal thoughts, flashbacks and guilt.

Soooo... Sirius? How are you doing? Holding up there? Nope? What more could he expected?

Everything hurt. Sirius was lying on his bed with agony running through his body. Tears kept springing to his eyes and he couldn't keep them down. The sense of betrayal from his little brother was heartbreaking. He was filled with conflicting emotions, both numbness and misery. He was so hurt, so numb, so... broken.

Walburga had finally gotten her wish, Sirius realized. He was broken through, unable to keep igniting into flames. Regulus, his Regulus, his sweet baby brother, had tortured him. Sirius was in pain, physical, mental, and emotional. He was dying. How could he go on if the last person he had betrayed him?

Betrayal hurt.

For the first time since he'd been expelled, Sirius understood how Remus had felt. Betrayed by the person he loved most. The person he thought he could trust but it turned out that he couldn't. Betrayal was like giving the most important person in the world the key to your heart, and then them selling it to your worst enemy. Which was exactly what Sirius had done to Remus. Betrayal felt numb, broken and alone. He'd trusted Regulus and it ended with him being tortured. Remus had trusted him and his secret had almost been outed to the entire school. Sirius was hollow inside, his heart carved out of his chest and barely beating in the pain, guilt and grief that cast over his life. He just wanted to die.

It was cold and numb alone in his room. Sirius began to lose track of the days and the time. He slept, he paced, he cried. Sometimes paralyzing fear would have him doubling over, unable to breath. The memory of Regulus cursing him made his skin burn with terror. Flashes of the unbearable pain and panic would run around his mind and it hurt. Guilt, doubt and paranoia would rock Sirius with terror. It would leave him on the ground, crying, shaking, breathing heavily. The horror from his memories would make his heart pound in fear. Every time the stairs creaked or he heard Walburga shout in anger, his heart would plummet to his stomach in fear. He would freeze in panic, ice filling his veins and he couldn't move. For several moments he would be stuck in place, unmoving and utterly terrified. Panic attacks would come and go, flashbacks running around and around in his mind with no way to stop it. He was powerless and lost in his mind. Every step was made of paranoia, each waking moment of loss.

Days after the torture, he was curled up on the ground, his chest and lungs screaming in pain as he sobbed, his hand over his mouth to mute the sound of his crying. Walburga had stolen his wand and it was all he could do to quiet the broken sobs that made their way out of his mouth. He was crying until he couldn't breath, panic overrunning every inch of his body. The memory of agony consumed his body and the hurt feeling of betrayal rang in his heart. His sobs were gasping out of his throat, his sleeve jammed against his mouth to hide it, trying desperately to conceal his whispers of panic.. Air vanished from his lungs as he cried until he threw up bile, his throat burning and his eyes full of tears. All of his energy was completely sapped, an effect of surviving off of no food and tap water for several days. Sirius couldn't do anything but lay on the ground and try to breathe, no matter how thick the fog of betrayal became. It was an effort to even attempt to alleviate the tight weight that crushed his lungs. The sour smell of vomit was on the ground and Sirius was trembling. His mind was giving out on him, breaking his heart and his soul as he laid on the ground, unable to move. The bitter taste in his mouth made him gag but he could only lay there, hoping that panic would pass. It didn't.

He was alone. So, so alone. He wished that someone would take him in their arms and pull him away from this life. Sirius couldn't even cry anymore, because it took too much energy. All he could do was sit on the ground, staring at the walls. Ragged gasps of air broke from his chest when he forgot to breathe. Time slowed to a crawl, his body numb and cold. Sirius got stuck in an endless cycle of staring, breaking down, sleeping and cutting. Eventually his strength was gone, he couldn't stand or lift his arms in weakness. If he tried to pull himself up, black circles would ring around his eyes until he fell down, unable to keep going.