Sirius Expelled

Sirius Expelled Part 12

Three weeks later Regulus returned for summer break. The tension between the two boys was completely broken as Regulus walked through the door. Sirius met his eye and they immediately felt the thick ice wall from Christmas Break evaporate.
"I'm sorry." Regulus mouthed to Sirius.
"It's okay." Sirius mouthed back.
"Come along, Regulus." Walburga said, pulling out her wand.
Fear lit in his brother's eyes but Sirius knew he couldn't stop her. Nevertheless he flinched when he heard Regulus give a small whimper as Walburga entered his mind. He bit his lip as he tried to resist the urge to save his brother. So he took a deep breath and shut the door to his room, trying to muffle the sound of Regulus and Walburga. Lately he'd taken to running his hand over his scared arm, the feeling of the scars both grounding and familiar; he'd felt similar ones on Remus. Both of their scars were made by themselves.
"Nope, no no. I'm not thinking of him." Sirius yelled at himself, his brain screaming with the effect.
Suddenly his door open and Sirius jumped, moving his right hand instinctively up as his left arm was exposed to the entering peron
"Sirius I-" Regulus stopped, his eyes landing on his brother's forearm that was covered in red and white marks.
Staring at his brother, he slowly stepped forward, his face blank.
"Sirius," he started again, hesitating with his words.
There was a rising terror in his eyes that he couldn't fight off as they didn't leave the scarred arm that belonged to his brother.
"What did she do to you?" Regulus asked, his voice hollow and cold.
"Nothing. It's nothing. I'm fine." Sirius snapped as panic rose in his chest. He couldn't let Reg see his weakness.
"That's not fine. Those are open cuts. Why would she put them over your Mar- oh."
Realization set in and Sirius swallowed hard, grimincing. He couldn't look at his little brother and tears began to well in his eyes. Focusing on his breathing, Sirius stared at the ground. He felt the presence of Regulus close by and his brother gently placed a hand on his shoulder.
"Sirius, I-"
"Don't. Please."
Regulus shut his mouth but Sirius could feel the pity in his eyes on his back. When Sirius spoke again he kept his eyes trained on the ground.
"I am slowly dying here. I cannot keep going like this. I won't kill myself, I can promise you that. But this is the only way I can keep myself sane."
"Sane? You're not sane, you're insane. Cutting yourself isn't going to solve anything!"
"It solves the guilt. The pounding guilt that doesn't let up because no matter what happens to you, it's never okay. You're just falling and falling down a never-ending pit that is going to kill me. I don't know when or how. But I can't do this."
"Yes you can."
Regulus's voice had changed by now, from fierce to soft.
"You're Sirius Orion Black the Third. Leader of the Marauders, first openly gay boy at school, first Black to be sorted into Gryffindor, the heir of the Black's and my big brother. You're the bravest person I know."
Sirius was speechless. All these achievements had always felt like he was just living his life but as Regulus brought it into perspective, he could understand it. His brother was right, he had done a lot.
"What happened in the winter was my fault," Regulus continued, his hand now clenching Sirius's shoulder tightly. "I should've let you suffer for me. But-but I froze and then Mum tortured you and I got so scared. I couldn't do it. I'm sorry. It wasn't fair to you."
The past Sirius would have forgiven his brother, would've been kind and accepted the apology. But he recalled the pain too easily, it had hurt so badly. Something inside of Sirius was different; his mother was right. He had changed. Forgiveness was so much harder now and he couldn't tell Regulus it was okay because it wasn't. The agony, immobility and weakness it had subjected him to wasn't anything that could be made up to. So he swallowed hard and sighed.
"Thank you, Regulus." was all he said.
His brother nodded and forced a slight smile. Although Regulus had understood that Sirius couldn't forgive him, he held onto the small glimmer of hope that he would be forgiven.
"I want to help you, Sirius." Regulus said, his voice soft. "But I don't know how to."
The Black brothers sat in silence after Regulus's words rang through the air. Finally Sirius looked up at his brother, his eyes full of pain.
"I don't know either." he responded. "But it hurts."
His voice quivered as he looked up at Regulus. The words were true but they weren't easy to say out loud.
"It hurts." he repeated, growing slightly louder. "I can't stop it. I'm losing control and I need help."
The feelings were too much and Sirius turned away and laid on his side, staring at the wall. He could hear Regulus's breath in the silence and felt guilt roll over him again, but he ignored it because by now the guilt was all too familiar and didn't affect him in the same way. It had become a normal feeling by now, something he was learning to block out.
"I'm here. I'm going to stay this time. I promise, this time I'll be strong. I shouldn't have let her hurt you, but I did. Now I'm going to fix it. No apology will make it better, but I'll do the right thing this time." Regulus promised his brother.
He was sincere, caring, real and Sirius felt a butterfly of hope flutter in his chest before he pushed it away. He beat it hard, down his chest, because he couldn't have hope. Having false hope was what had nearly broken him. So Sirius bit his tongue until the pain was unbearable, willing himself not to speak until he knew he was in control.
"Okay."
The word was simple and Regulus knew it. What he had done was cruel and selfish. So he blinked a couple of times before taking another breath. He opened his mouth and hesitated. Words were a difficult thing for him. When he wrote the words flowed like silk across the pages but when he spoke they became mixed, his anxiety too strong to let him speak confidently, while he second-guessed each and every word he spoke. After a moment of consideration he closed his mouth and sighed, silently. There was nothing he could do. Regulus blinked a couple of times before slowly standing up and crossing the room. Half of him wished for Sirius to call out and tell him to stop, but his brother said nothing. So Regulus left, feeling his guilt eased but his fear raised. Walburga and Orion were dangerous, both brothers knew the fact, but the cruelty had only begun. Neither one knew the extent that their parents would go for their pureblood supremacy. Revenge, vengance and cold-blooded murder was coming. They were coming and the brothers couldn't stop it.

End of Part 12