Sirius Expelled

Sirius Expelled Part 8

The relationship between Sirius and Regulus stayed cold all through their Christmas Break. They stayed for as long as the cuts on Sirius's back stayed. It took him nearly three weeks for them to close, and four days for the tenderness to fade enough to cover them in ointment. While the pain slowly faded, the fear and trauma from it hadn't. Sirius began having flashbacks of it, each time that Walburga pulled out her wand he flinched, and at night he could feel them burn and throb in pain, while the sound of his and the dead families screams ran through his head. He would wake up, covered in a cold sweat, unable to remember his nightmares, only knowing that they were horrifying. He woke with a feeling of dread and terror, although the nightmares would fall away. Regulus was gone, and he was alone. Unlike Sirius, Regulus hadn't done anything to be expelled from Hogwarts. Regulus could go back. Sirius barely left his bed, until the full moon of January. He hadn't transformed since the first full moon after he was expelled. But that night, as he laid on his bed, he saw the full moon rise.
"Remus?" he said, wearily. "Moony?"
    Sirius pulled himself up from his bed and looked out his window. There was no question, it was the full moon. He stared at the silver glow it gave off, making his heart ache in his chest.
    "Moony. Prongs. Wormtail. Evans. Please, help me." he murmured, resting his forehead against his cold, glass window frame. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have ever done that. I need you. Please save me. I need help."
    Of course, there was no response to his cry of help.
    "I'm scared of myself. I'm scared of what I'll do if I don't have you three to save me."
The words were true and heartbreaking, but Sirius hoped with all his might that they would hear his words. But they didn't. Nobody heard his words. Except... far, far away at Hogwarts, the wolf changed again, as the boy transformed into a dog, to push back the sad feelings, to be free. But, like three months ago, the wolf didn't howl to the moon, but instead scratched at the door, whimpering. It wanted its friend. Moony wanted Padfoot. And Padfoot wanted Moony. As the moon faded away and the sun rose again, both boys transformed, lonely and hurt. But for the life of them, neither could remember why or how. All they knew were they were sad and lonely, looking for the one person that mattered most to them. Each other. By the morning Sirius gave up waiting for help.
Help was always offered for those at Hogwarts. But Sirius wasn't at Hogwarts. So he didn't have help.
"Maybe nobody will come." the voice in his head told him. "Maybe you'll go to help and nobody will be there for you. Maybe they won't believe you."
His head was full of maybes and what if's that he couldn't escape from. They tortured his thoughts and plauged his mind relentlessly. Sirius couldn't fight off the demons in his mind. He needed to escape, to distract his mind. But the only person who could do that was Remus. When he was with Remus, it was like the world disappeared. The only people that existed were the two. Sirius and Remus. Remus and Sirius. Together, alone. And it made Sirius sick to think about the happy memories. He didn't deserve any of the joy Remus brought him, but it didn't make the craving for love lessen. Slowly, Sirius ran his fingers over his arms and back, feeling the rough texture of the scars. He'd felt them before, on Remus, but now they plagued his body, expanding from just his calves. Both new and old, they mingled, mixing in a painful mess. The scars held memories, like Remus's had, and for both of them, they were dreadful, horrific memories. He didn't want to think of the pain that had come before the scars. But each time he tried to let his mind wander and run, the happy memories always turned dark and broadening, unforgivingly cruel. Sirius couldn't stand them so he stopped letting the memories brew.
"Get out of my head!" he yelled, one night when the thoughts kept creeping in his mind, late at night.
But he couldn't. He couldn't get the memories of Remus to leave him alone. They flashed across his mind, overwhelming him with confusion. The scent of chocolate and parchment filled his nose, the sound of Remus's laughs filled his ears, the taste of marmalade, two kinds of jelly, and butter on toast, the way Remus ate it, filled his mouth. But the memories were the worst, flooding his brain as they spun around, mixing with each other.
"I love you, Pads."
"You're my star."
"The moon and the stars were made for each other."
"Don't leave me."
"I need you."
"You don't need to be a Quidditch star. You're already my star."
"My star."
"I'm Sirius-ly crazy for you."
"Shut up Padfoot! You're ridiculous!"
The voices repeated themselves, torturing Sirius as he tried to snuff out the thoughts. He covered his head with his pillow and curled into a ball, trying to pull his mind away.
"Quiet down! Shut up! Stop thinking!" he snapped to himself as the ghosts of Remus circled his mind.
Sirius pulled his ears down, trying to block out his senses. It didn't work. All Sirius could feel, hear, see, was Remus. Laughing, pranking, studying, all sweet memories of his beloved boyfriend.
"Please," he finally whispered, giving up. "Please, I'm sorry. Don't torture me like this. It'll kill me."
But the ghosts didn't vanish. Sirius could hear them, imagine them, feel them, see them. It made Sirius sick to hear these words that had made him so happy, now lost to him. He would never get to hear Remus say these things to him again, making it all the worst then remembering his happy moments. Sirius didn't sleep that night, though exhausted, he was to tortured to sleep. He tossed and turned, looking for a relief that never came. Unlike any of the physical pain he'd been through, this didn't fade. Heartache didn't heal, it stabbed and left it's scar. Love was a deadly weapon that could kill anyone who fell prey to its trap. Sirius felt that he could never love another boy the way he loved Remus. Nobody could fill the gaping hole Remus left in his heart. So he collapsed. Sirius gave in to the voices and stopped allowing it to hurt him. Sirius allowed the pain to overcome him, until he was weak and exhausted. But still, he didn't fight it. He didn't have any strength left to continue.

"Sirius."
A real voice broke from the echo of the screams in Sirius's mind. He blinked and slowly sat up, rubbing his blurry eyes. He looked around, dazed.
"Sirius Black." The command was sharper now, pleased.
After several bleary blinks, Sirius felt his vision sharpen. His mother was standing in his doorway.
"Mum?" his voice was hoarse and scratchy as he flinched in pain. 
She sighed and rolled her eyes at her mess of a son.
"Sirius, you must grow up! It's been three weeks and you've barricaded yourself in your room for all that time."
Three weeks since his torture? Had it been that long? Sirius couldn't tell. But then he remembered something. It wasn't the pain in his back that was the reason he'd hid. It was the act of killing that little boy. His heart ached with pain, but he lifted his heavy head. Sirius blinked and tried to understand what was happening. He met his mother's eyes for several seconds, before dropping her gaze. He'd done nothing but he was exhausted.
"Mum, what is it?" he said, not respectful, but he was beyond caring.
Walburga sighed again.
"You need to wake up out of this, this fantasy daydream you live in. You are not a hero, Sirius. You're not a Gryffindor. Your friends aren't going to appear and rescue you. Wake up!"
Sirius blinked, not knowing how to respond to her words. For some reason, they weren't affecting him the way they normally did. He just felt numb, like the words bounced off of his skin and rebounded. They didn't cut his heart like always. Sirius tried to settle his thoughts, but he felt... strange.
"I-I" he stuttered, trying to find the right response.
But words weren't coming to Sirius's mind. He was empty inside, reactionless and numb. Walburga rolled her eyes at her son.
"You've changed, Sirius. At least before you had fight, you had will, you have power. Now? Now you're a pathetic, useless, weakling."
The cold words didn't puncture him like he thought they would. When Walburga insulted him like this his normal reaction would be to fight back, to yell. The anger wasn't bubbling in his stomach like always. Sirius was just done. Walburga was studying her heir, intensely. She had a curious look on her face, trying to figure out what Sirius was playing at. When she couldn't figure it out, she stepped back. After a moment of watching him, she stepped and turned away, angry. Storming out of the room, she left Sirius alone, once again.
Sirius turned away from the door, burying his body under his sheets. Why was he so tired like this? He strained to feel anything, joy, sadness, anger from his memories, but nothing stirred. He was empty of any emotions.
"Moony." Sirius whispered, pathetically. "I need you."
But this time Sirius didn't wait for a response. He simply shut his eyes and let himself be pulled into a dreamless, weary sleep. He was done with waiting for Remus, for his friends. Sirius was done.

End of Part 8