Sirius Expelled

Sirius Expelled Part 11

Trigger Warnings: Self harm references, torture, abuse references

For a month this ritual became Sirius's entire life. Wake up numb, cut, bleed, rinse, wash, and repeat. He became accustomed to the feeling of his arm always aching and burning, sensitive to the touch. But again, Walburga hosted another dinner for the Black's and Sirius's ritual was broken. Through dinner he sat, silent, wishing he was anywhere else in the world. Nobody forced him to talk or even eat as he shoved the slowly cooling food around his plate. But after dinner he was cornered by none other than Bellatrix.
"Hello Sirius." she said with a slight laugh.
Remaining wordless, Sirius watched her with dead eyes.
"What do you want, Bellatrix?" he asked.
"Oh, nothing, nothing." she replied. "Except to talk about what happened at Christmas."
"Four months ago? Why are we bringing this up now?" Sirius replied, trying to sound like it didn't matter but the mere mention of the time sent fear tingling down his spine.
"Because you nearly failed the Dark Lord! And these show that you must stay loyal to him."
She flexed her arm and Sirius winced. A manic look of surprise but delight glinted in her eyes.
"Why are you ashamed of your Mark? Why are you hiding it?" Bellatrix asked in a deadly voice.
Like a serpent she grabbed Sirius's wrist and pulled his robes past his elbow, revealing the Mark covered in fresh red marks, angry and inflamed, cuts at different variations of healing, and white scars. Panicked, Sirius began to fight her but she had him in an iron trap. A wild grin spread across her face as she realized what Sirius was doing.
"Oh dear, oh dear. Sirius has gone mad." Bellatrix's singsongy, teasing voice made Sirius light up in anger.
He pulled, aggressively to get his arm out of her grasp, quickly covering it with his robe.
"Shove off Bellatrix!" he snapped, feeling butterflies of nerves flutter around his stomach.
"Trying to cut away the Mark, are we? Ah, what a shame. I wonder what Aunt Walburga would say about this."
"Bug off!" Sirius snapped again. "And don't tell my mother."
"Oh but why not? It'll be such a treat watching her get furious at you."
Try as he might, fear filled Sirius's eyes. There were too many memories of the things that Walburga had done that even cutting couldn't remove.
"You wouldn't dare tell her." Sirius responded, putting on a brave face to mask his terror.
"Do you want to test that?"
His heart dropped to his stomach at these words. It was like Sirius was stuck, there wasn't a way out of this. So he changed tactics.
"Bella, please. You can't tell her. Please." he begged, feeling humiliation welling in his stomach.
He was flushing pink, embarrassed to be caught at such a weak point. It didn't feel good, being helpless, but he knew it was his only chance. Swallowing hard he winced.
"Please." he repeated.
Bellatrix had a look of power on her face.
"What would Aunt Walburga say if she knew about this?" she asked, drawing out her words.
She didn't need to ask; both knew the answer to her question. But Sirius knew one thing about Bellatrix, and that was the fact that she wanted to be in power, more than she wanted to tattle on Sirius. Pulling out her wand she flicked it at him, sending his robe flying off. Sirius winced as he felt her eyes on his arm, the mess of cuts and scars it was made of. But he grit his teeth and forced himself to stand his ground and met Bellatrix's eyes. But something shifted in her eyes. They jumped from his left arm to his right.
"What's that?" she demanded.
Gritting his teeth, Sirius forced his voice not to tremble. The letters that Walburga had carved into his arm made him wince with sadness.
"Disappointment?" she asked again, the grin turning evil. "Well at least you know what you are."
"I didn't do that. She did." Sirius responded.
"Oh she did, didn't she? Well Aunt Walburga had the right idea." her voice changed again, pure cruelty. "You like pain, don't you Sirius? Those scars prove it."
Panic was building as Sirius tried to find another way out of this mess. He felt his body beginning to shake with fear and apprehension.
"Bellatrix..."
"Tut, tut, tut, Sirius. Don't try that on me. Silencio!"
Sirius's voice was ripped out of his throat again and he felt a wave of anger overcome him. He hated it when his voice was taken away, but he tried not to let it show.
"And now the fun begins. Crucio!"
The world exploded into an all-to-familiar pain. A silent scream built in his chest and it took all of Sirius's willpower to not fall to his knees from the agony. While he was distracted from the pain, Bellatrix grabbed Sirius's right wrist and pulled it to him. He winced as her nails dug into his skin but kept his brave face on. She raised her wand to his arm and he shut his eyes. His arm lit up in agony, pure fiery pain that he immediately recognized as a cut. But this was deep and mechanical, and it didn't let up. Sirius opened his mouth to scream and cry out in pain, but his voice was missing and he couldn't say a word. This pain was unbearable but familiar, which didn't make it any easier to take. He was shaking in pain, trying to fight Bellatrix off of him, but it wasn't working. She kept going, her wand poised in a menacing manner. Again and again the wand slit over his arm as Sirius realized she was writing something. Thrashing out of Bellatrix's grip, she began to lose control as Sirius fought the pain. Several times he felt a kick or something to his legs but he couldn't stop trying to escape this tortuous pain that wouldn't stop. But finally, when Sirius was ready to pass out and give up from the pain she stopped. He gasped for air, the silent tears trickling down his face. Grabbing his arm he looked down to find a single word carved underneath the scars from Walburga, dripping with blood in a cruel and teasing way.
Slytherin.
"No, no, no!" he wanted to scream but he couldn't because his voice was still missing.
But the anger was building in his chest, the pain and fury fighting each other for control. He wasn't a Slytherin. He was a Gryffindor. Was he?
Doubt began to creep into Sirius's heart as his actions over the months rolled over him. He'd killed a child, fought with Regulus, betrayed Remus for his selfish desire of revenge on Severus, cursed muggle-borns, gotten the Mark and failed to protect his brother. Maybe he was a Slytherin, maybe the hat made a mistake, maybe his mother was right and he was a disappointment, a failure. Bellatrix let out a cackling laugh of glee at Sirius's distraught face.
"Oh Sirius, you should've known. You're a Slytherin. You're not a Gryffindor. You never have been. And you never will be."
The words sent stabs of pain through Sirius's heart. He'd said the same to Regulus and he was guessing the hurt expression on his face matched his brothers. Bellatrix laughed again and rolled her eyes.
"Remember. If you say a word of this to anyone then I'll tell Aunt Walburga about you trying to cut off that Mark. Understand?"
Sirius nodded, still trying to quench the tears of pain and sorrow that dripped down her face. With a flick of her wand to return Sirius's voice, Bellatrix left the room, leaving Sirius with a new set of scars on his arm. Once he was alone, he felt his knees buckle and he fell to the ground, holding his arm tightly to his chest. The warm blood trickled down his arm but he barely noticed. He was so tired of fighting. He couldn't go on like this.
"Please," he begged to the empty world. "Please, I can't do it. Let me go. I'm just hurting everyone."
But nobody would take him out of the world. Because from the moment he was born, Sirius was made to hurt people. He couldn't control it, it was like a curse that followed him wherever he went. Sirius would stay in this world to suffer because there was nothing else for him to do except revel in the agony the world brought him. Sirius Orion Black the Third was created as the heir to the Black's, a traitor, someone to become a loyal servant to the Dark Lord. He had no purpose but to suffer and cause others to suffer. His life meant nothing and everything at the same time. Lost and lonely, not just lonely but alone, walking down a deserted path that nobody could save him from. He strayed too far, nobody would be able to find him from the lengths he'd gone.
"Please."
The word rang out again, this time not a plea but a cry for help. Sirius didn't show weakness, but Sirius wasn't Sirius anymore. He was the Black Heir, a Death Eater, anything and everything but Sirius. But Sirius had one thing to live for, one thing that he still needed to confront.
"Remus." the unfamiliar word slipped out of his lips, making his heart stab with pain. But he plowed on, determined to finish. "I'm going to be good, for you. I'll find you again, I'll apologize, then whatever happens to me can happen. But I need to make it up for you first."
He let out another breath.
"I will be good. I will be strong. I will do what's right. For Remus."

End of Part 11