Sirius Expelled

Sirius Expelled Part 3

"Yes." he said in barely a whisper.
The words revolted in his empty stomach and he felt dizzy and light-headed. His stomach rolled and he couldn't breathe, feeling his body tremble. In one moment, he turned and puked over the side of his chair, splattering onto his mother's robes. He gagged and then puked again, wincing as his mother turned her gaze on him. Walburga was cold and unforgiving. Her gaze pierced Sirius's soul, making him cower as he tried to catch his breath. The taste in his mouth was vile and he spat out anything left in his stomach. He heard murmurs around the table and he was shaking as he slowly righted himself. He met the Dark Lord's eyes, his own watering.
"Don't. You. Dare. Cry." Walburga snapped in his ear.
But Sirius couldn't. He felt too out of control, too mad and scared. The tears built behind his eyes and he fought everything back. The water overfilled his eyes as he refused to blink, knowing that would let them out. Still, as they filled all the way in his eyes, and dripped over his eyelids. The tears dripped unabiding down Sirius's face and he couldn't bear it. He looked down on his lap and tightened his arms around his chest. He felt a sob build in his throat that he pushed down as hard as he could.
"Sirius, go up to your room. Your father and I will be up in a minute. Now." Walburga said, her voice sounding strange and weird.
Sirius flinched but stood and walked out, keeping his head low. But confusingly, he didn't feel mad. Not mad, or sad, or angry, Just numb. Like he couldn't feel anything and he walked in a shallow shell of his body. He didn't remember climbing the stairs, or entering his room. All he knew was one thing.
'You're a traitor, Sirius Black.' was all he could hear, all he could think, all he knew.
The words rang in his head, again and again and again.
Traitor.
Traitor.
Traitor.
Sirius collapsed to his bed, shaking.
"What's wrong with you?" he whispered to himself. "What's wrong with you?
He didn't know. Nobody knew. But deep down inside, Sirius was a broken, destroyed mess. He didn't know anything. He loved Remus. He played Quidditch. He was naturally smart and had several O's in his OWLS. He was also a traitor. He was part of the Dark Lord's army. He had the mark. He didn't have control of himself. Sirius wanted to scream, to hit the wall, to let his confusion out. He wanted to be Padfoot, where he didn't have to deal with such feelings. But he knew he couldn't. Not without gaining his mother's wrath. Something he knew he couldn't take.
Sirius heard footsteps coming up the stairs, and recognized them immediately, as his mother followed by his father.
"Sirius." Walburga said as she opened the door.
The robes Sirius had puked on were clean again, which annoyed his slightly. Her expression was unreadable, and Sirius felt the familiar fear in his stomach, bile rising in his throat again. Pushing it down he forced himself to look up.
"Mum." he said, curtly.
"You behaved yourself tonight. You made a fool of yourself, crying like that, but you did the right thing. You joined the Dark Lord. You've made your family proud."
Normally people telling Sirius that they were proud of him made him glow in joy. When his mother did it, he felt sick.
"You will be joining that mission next week. I expect to hear that you did the right thing."
Sirius forced a small nod, staring at the ground as tried not to show his anger.
"For following the rules tonight." Walburga said, pulling something out of her pocket.
Sirius felt a hint of excitement light in his blood. His wand.
"We've removed the Trace with dark magic. You may only use it when allowed. Understand?"
Sirius nodded again, his fingers itching for the power the wand gave him. He tapped his fingers lightly to the sides of his legs, fidgeting with them. Walburga looked at him for one more moment, before handing him the wand. Trying not to look desperate, he took it, feeling the glowing warmth of magic flew through his fingers. He held it to his side, waiting for Walburga to leave. She looked back at Orion and raised her eyebrows.
"I will be coming to Diagon Alley with you. I will be watching your every move." she said. "As will your father."
Without another look at her son, Walburga turned on her heel and left his room, leaving Sirius alone for the rest of the night. As soon as he was alone, Sirius curled into a ball on the ground. His energy was drained again. The energy it took to stay strong was exhausting. Every day that he suffered, his resolve to keep fighting, to be a Marauder, a Gryffindor, weakened. He didn't even have the energy to become Padfoot. Lying on his back, staring at the ceiling, Sirius felt his eyes blur. The tension in his shoulders relaxed slightly and he breathed slowly. Running his hands through the carpet, he gently hummed a familiar song, Remus's favorite. Remus. His heart pounded in his chest as pangs of sadness followed through his heart.
"Remus John Lupin. Werewolf. Prefect. Bookworm. Smart. Loving. Caring. Scared. Lonely. Lost. Betrayed." he said, outloud. "Sirius Orion Black. Heir. Beater. Genius. Crazy. Funny. Kind. Worried. Alone. Behind. Traitor."
The words stung him and he felt the tears return. This time he let them fall, not fighting them. They trickled down his face, running into his ears and hair, tickling his skin as he stared, numbly, at the ceiling. Although it was still bright out, Sirius found he could no longer keep his eyes open. Slowly, he let them shut, heavy with sleep. And he fell into a dream. A dream with Remus.
"Remus." Sirius whispered, seeing his boyfriend come into view.
"Padfoot." Remus whispered back, slowly stepping forward.
He fell into Sirius's arms, who caught him. Remus rested his head in Sirius's hair, breathing in his familiar scent.
"Remus. I'm sorry. I love you. I always have. I always will. Please, forgive me. I'll do anything."
He didn't respond, but instead turned Sirius slightly to the side and kissed him.
"I dunno. But for now..." Remus trailed off.
Sirius looked up at Remus and they shared a long kiss. Each time they pulled back for air, Sirius pushed closer. He hadn't realized just how lonely and needy he had been, until now.
"Sirius, you know I can't forgive you." Remus whispered into his ear. "I can never forgive you."
"Please Remus." Sirius said, pulling away from Remus and meeting his eyes.
Something changed in his eyes as he saw Sirius's face for the first time since they had met.
"Sirius? You have a scar. Like me?"
Sirius winced at the memory.
"My mother. After a prank."
Anger filled in Remus's eyes.
"How dare she?"
"It doesn't matter. I'm fine. Please, just forgive me. I love you." Sirius begged.
Remus turned fierce again.
"Sirius, you betrayed me. You told my secret. I could've been expelled!"
"Well I was expelled!" Sirius yelled back.
And suddenly, in that midst of anger, Sirius felt something stir in his chest. Not anger, not fear, but wanting. Wanting to grab Remus and shut him up, and kiss him. Kiss him until he forgave Sirius. Until it was just the two of them, together. But he couldn't.
Remus blinked. He considered his words and then made his decision.
"That's your fault. Not mine."
Remus turned and left, and Sirius was alone. Again.