Sirius Expelled

Sirius Expelled: Part 31

Wolfstar! There's some pretty heavy angst but there's fluff along the lining and it gets really cute along with painful. It definitely hurts but at least it's happy while it hurts.

TW's (because we'll always have these): referenced/implied attempted suicide, referenced/implied self-harm, self-harm, panic attacks, flashbacks, invasion of a mind (I don't know what this is called) referenced torture, referenced murder and forced truth (again, I don't know what this is called)

I know the warnings look bad but it's mostly just Sirius talking about what his life was like at home and it's not as bad as it seems, I swear. However, there is a scene of Remus and Sirius talking about his self harm. It's graphic, painful and uncomfortable. Be careful please!

"EXPELLIARMUS!"

Sirius's wand flew out of his hand before he could finish his curse. His eyes flew open and he saw Remus. Standing in front of Sirius, concern and worry in his eyes, pure terror crossing his face.

"Sirius, stop! Stop, STOP!" Remus yelled, barely able to control his words. "What are you doing?"

Sirius gasped for air, his heart pounding in adrenaline, prepared to die. He felt his heart jump as he saw Remus so concerned for him. He fumbled for words landing on the ones he'd used too often lately.

"I'm sorry."

Remus fell to his knees and his face creased, his breath coming in gasps. Tears welled in his eyes as he looked helplessly at Sirius.

"Why?" he asked in a small voice. "Why were you going to do it?"

Sirius couldn't say anything. Because he knew it sounded stupid and ridiculous out loud but it was true. So he said it.

"You-you don't love me anymore." he started.

Remus stared at him in shock and disbelief.

"You tried to commit suicide because I don't love you? We dated years ago and you betrayed me! You made your choices and now you blame me? Why would you ever try to commit suicide because of that?"

"That's not just it!" Sirius cried out, the tears coming faster. "I tried to do everything for you. I tried to be good, to resist, telling myself I could take the pain because you always did. And through all of it, I did it because I loved you. I loved you so much, and you don't love me. You were the only person I had left. And then I didn't have you."

Remus took a breath and carefully took Sirius's hands in his own. He flinched at the contact but after a moment, he forced himself to relax, allowing him to hold his hand. A tear dripped down his face and Remus felt awash with guilt.

"Sirius. I did love you. I just, I can't understand for the life of me why you would betray me and my secret like that. It happened so long ago, but it still means so much. It changed everything. I loved you. But after you betrayed me I couldn't forgive you. And then you joined the Death Eaters. We all thought you wanted revenge-revenge on me, on James, on Peter, on Snape, and that's why you did it. We didn't know. I'm sorry. I should've trusted you but I couldn't."

The world was silent as both boys took in each other's words. For years they had both been mad, guilt-stricken, and sad. And now, everything was out on the table and free. Remus stared into Sirius's eyes and they both had a million words in their minds that they couldn't tell the other. So instead of speaking or trying or working through their actions, Remus leaned forward and kissed him. Slow, soft, and sweet, familiar and yet completely new. Nothing aggressive, nothing violent. Just a love he couldn't explain in any other way, simple and full.