Alexithymia

08

OOTP– YR 5.

The first thing Mcgonagall asked when she saw me was if I wanted to schedule another appointment with Healer Piernot. I decided not to meet with her anymore. She was a muggleborn and with Annika now bearing the mark, it was unwise to get close to anyone affiliated with muggles.

If my parents or the dark lord were to find out about these 'sessions', Ms. Piernot would be dead within the night. I couldn't have her blood on my hands. However, I couldn't say that to Mcgonagall, so instead I told her that I started new relaxation techniques that helped me stay calm. She looked disappointed, her frown lines deepening a little more, but said no more.

With the addition of the monstrosity named Dolores Umbridge to the teaching staff, it was safe to assume that I'd be relying on occlumency for the majority of the year.

In our first DADA class, I swear her eyes glowed when she read my name. After the whole Harry Potter fiasco, she pulled me to the side.

"Just because we're related doesn't mean I'll be treating you any differently than your fellow classmates. Is that understood, Miss Selwyn?"

Her voice made my ears want to bleed pink. And I meant that in the worst way possible.

"I can't believe you're related to her, Ash." Pansy muttered as we walked through the corridors.

"I'm not."

"Don't be embarrassed," Blaise laughed, "We all have that one crazy aunt."

"No, I don't think you understand," I shook my head and pointed at the dozens of rules Umbridge had Filch pin up to the wall, "I've never seen or heard of her in my life. She's absolutely, utterly mad- torturing kids with her sadistic quills. I'd rather off myself than take her side."

"I rather like her," Theo frowned at my outburst, "She knows what she's doing more than that old bat Dumbledore."

"You can't be serious!" His lack of empathy absolutely baffled me.

We entered the great hall for supper and my eyes were immediately drawn to Draco. He sat with Crabbe and Goyle, the latter nudging Crabbe with wide eyes as we approached them.

"So," Blaise drawled, giving everyone a nice, long glance. "I know things have happened between you all, but might I suggest everyone just apologize for what they need to and we can go back to being mates?"

Pansy and Daphne looked awkwardly at each other and then at Blaise when no one spoke.

"Pansy," Daphne said, drawing everyone's attention, "I'm sorry for using the last of your perfume without telling you."

Pans stifled a laugh and replied, "Apology accepted, Daph," before turning to Draco. "I'm sorry I called you an insufferable twat."

His expression morphed into one of confusion, "You never called me that."

"Oh right," She laughed and then turned to Blaise, "I'm sorry I called you an insufferable twat."

Blaise simply huffed an approval and then motioned to Crabbe as if to say 'your turn'.

Crabbe looked like he wanted to crawl back into whatever hole he crawled out of but begrudgingly said, "I'm sorry for insulting the dead boy."

His apology irked me, but I reinforced my mental walls and said, "I'm sorry you cry like a girl."

"Play nice." Blaise warned.

"Fine. I'm sorry I punched you in the face." My lips twisted and I gripped my knife. "Right. Now that that's settled, let eat because I'm starving and-"

"I think we have more to address first." Blaise tutted, motioning towards Draco and then back at me. "You might think the lot of us are total idiots compared to you two, but you need to work this out. The tension whenever you two are in the same area is dreadful."

"I'm sorry for calling you a blood traitor and ignoring you." Draco muttered, staring down at his plate.

What a lame apology.

"I'm sorry for throwing stuff at you." I said, stabbing a potato with my fork. "And for saying your blood was tainted."

Blaise seemed wholly unsatisfied with our bs apologies and frowned at Pansy who just shrugged and started eating.

—------

"I'm sorry Ashlynn, I can't help you anymore."

"What- why?"

"I-I just don't have time anymore."

We had just finished another Herbology review in the library. I honestly didn't think much when I asked Neville to tutor me last year but had improved so significantly that Professor Sprout suggested I continue working with him.

"Merlin, Neville. If I knew you were so busy I would've stopped bothering you a long time ago."

I frowned, looking down at my half finished review sheet.

"This has everything I planned for us to go over until next week." Neville added, handing me a notebook. He suddenly went rigid and started collecting his things. "I'm really sorry, but I've got to go."

I sighed and waved as he bolted out the door. I had no idea where he was going but I learned from a young age not to question things I didn't want to find the answer too.

Neville was a lifesaver in Herbology. Honestly I don't know how such a sweet boy like him ended up in Gryffindor instead of Hufflepuff. When I first approached him, he thought I was going to hex him and was scared out of his wits.

I didn't advertise my civility with him- or any of the lions. Not that I had any, but still even my borderline friendship with Neville from tutoring gave me strange looks from my fellow housemates.

The Slytherin common room was a good place to study, but since we were both pretty weary of each other, Neville and I settled to study in the far end of the library.

"Hey Selwyn!" Millicent called as I exited the library. "Umbridge is looking for you."

Great.