Alexithymia

23

<ashlynn pov>

The scene in front of me was eerily familiar.

Draco was lying on the floor, his arm was gushing red- a deep X carved over his mark- and he wasn't alone.

Neville Longbottom, Hermione Granger, Susan Bones, and more of my classmates lay dead on the floor. Their bodies limp and piled among each other.

Luna Lovegood stared back at me, her once curious eyes were now dull like tarnished metal.

Only Dennis Creevey cowered, trying to hide in the arms of his brother, but it was futile.

My stomach churned and I could feel the bile rising to my mouth. I knew what would be asked of me next.

Occlude. Occlude. Occlude.

"Kill the boy."

A flash of green and Dennis stilled.

My wand lowered to my side. Had I done that? I just-

"Ashlynn."

Something that felt suspiciously like a bottle jabbed into my rib, making me wince and curl up into a ball.

"Shut up." Theo groaned, turning away from me and burying his face back into his pillow.

"Get off my bed." I murmured into the mattress.

A good amount of students hadn't returned for the school year, which freed up a lot of rooms. Snape being the headmaster and aware of our current circumstances had given both Theo and I our own rooms.

As much as Theo claimed to hate my guts, he rarely spent the night in his own room.

"At least when I'm around you, I can blame you instead of myself." He said with a glassy look in his eyes when I asked him about it.

We hardly had civil conversations.  And it wasn't like I relied on Theo for emotional support or anything of that sort. Being around him made me forget about Draco. Theo was so angry that it was easy to get distracted and wrapped up in his negative emotions.

"You might just be the only person I hate more than myself." He muttered when we returned from the Manor. "I can't believe you did that to Lovegood."

"One of us had to." I sighed, flicking the lid off my flask and draining the contents.

"What- we resorting to day drinking now? Merlin, Ash, at this rate we're gonna be alcoholics. Blaise can probably smell the liquor from his dorm and is writing us a lecture as we speak." He taunted but still stretched his hand out for me to pass him my flask.

"It's calming drought, you insufferable twat."  I spat, and he stilled- dropping his arm and looking away in what might have been shame.

Vivid images of Lovegood twitching on the floor of the dungeon kept replaying in my head.

You didn't kill her. It's fine. She's still alive. She's important- they need her alive.

—---

Every moment in this god forsaken school was torture. Every second out of it was pure madness.

"Do it, Zabini." The female Carrow crooned. "What's the matter? You can't be... scared?" They sneered and taunted him. Their hisses eventually turned into fanatic shouts when Blaise didn't lift his wand. "Do it! Use the curse, my boy- do it!"

"Just do it, Blaise." Theo huffed, watching with the rest of the class.

A few third years had been caught sneaking around after curfew last night and were now the subjects of our DADA class, taken over by the Carrow siblings. A terrible pair- really- made me want to gouge out my eyes.

"Blaise." I whispered, unsure if he would follow through.

He was the only one who hadn't done it yet.

I could see the troubled thoughts brewing in his mind. The younger students were trembling and sobbing on the floor.

"Oh, c'mon." Carrow sneered. "Don't try to play a hero like that Longbottom boy. If you know what's best, curse the kid already."

Blaise tensed and lifted his wand, whispering the faintest "Crucio." The child screamed and withered, but apparently that wasn't enough.

"Not enough spirit." He tutted, strutting around the room. "You have to really mean it. Care to do a demonstration, my dear sister?"

"Crucio!" She shrieked.

Almost everyone tensed at the sound of their screams. 

"Please, make it stop." They cried and pleaded, as we watched.

Pansy's face was pale, as if she might faint and Blaise looked like he'd seen the horrors hidden underneath the castle.  Even Crabbe and Goyle flinched when one of the kids reached out their arm to the sky as if praying to the Gods and asking them to save her.

Theo and I might've been the only students who stood stone faced. This kind of thing was inevitable to witness in our line of work. The Cruciatus curse had to be one of the dark lord's favorites. He used it all the time.

The she-Carrow cackled, satisfied with the outcome. They dismissed the class and we all darted out, unable to spend another second with the deranged lunatics.

No one spoke as we headed back down to the dungeons. It wasn't like this was the first time something like this had happened. This sort of event occurred enough that everyone had formed their own routine to cope.

Crabbe and Goyle would wait until the Gyffindors finished class to taunt Longbottom. Pansy would knock back as many dreamless sleep potions as she could and pass out on one of the couches in the common room. Blaise would lock himself in his room, probably smoking his secret cigarettes that he was so ashamed of. And Theo would always, without a doubt, show up to my room after a shower and drink himself stupid in my company.

It was funny. When I was around Draco, the only thing I could do was cry. There was never a moment where I comforted him- he was always the one looking out for me. He wasn't necessarily emotionally strong or stable, I was just too weak that he cared for me first.

Sometimes I wondered if how I felt about Theo was similar to how Draco felt about me. I was broken- I knew that, but being around him made me feel stable. It was perhaps arrogant to assume that I was doing better than him, but it comforted me. It didn't make sense. Or maybe it did, in some twisted way.

I was in love with Draco, but in moments like these- Theo passed out on my bed with me sitting next to him, the moonlight making the water reflection shine even brighter, painting moving patterns on the walls - I wonder if he ever actually loved me.