Alexithymia

12

YR6 SUMMER.

We were well into the summer holiday. It was midday, the sky was clear and blue, yet I hadn't spent a second outside. I sat in my room writing. I hadn't gone outside since Annika's funeral.

'To the Greengrass household, Thank you kindly for the support you've provided to our family after the tragic passing of Annika. We wholeheartedly appreciate the condolences that you have sent-'

My parents both barged into my room, carrying trunks, with panicked looks on their faces. My mother was jittery and even my stoic father looked pale, stressed.

"Get up. We're going"

They hadn't said more than that, but I knew it was time.

"Why? Dad, where are we going?" My breathing quickened. Is this what I was going to do? Run? Surely my parents didn't think we could escape the snake lord himself.

"Hush dear. We don't have much time," My mother. "Get you trunks. Hurry."

"This is a special portkey. Once you use it, there's no going back. No one will know where you are. No one will be able to find you or your mother."

"You'll be safe." He added.

"Me? No. No, no, no. We can't leave. You can't leave dad. He'll find us."

"I'm not going anywhere Ashlynn. You and your mother will go. If I go, my dark mark will lead him straight to us." His eyes lowered and handed my mom the portkey.

The rooms were closing in, I swear. The walls were caging, I couldn't escape. The roof was dropping and I was about to be crushed.

"Clear your mind, my dear. Please, occlude. We need you to be focused."

"I know you don't want to leave your friends, I can see it in your eyes- the side you want to fight on. If I let you stay, you'll die. If you live, you'll be fighting everyone you grew up with and that's not a future that I want for you. So please, go." My dad had aged since Voldemort's return. He had dark circles under his eyes and frown lines that were etched into his face in worry.

He pulled me into a hug and planted a kiss on my head. "I'm sorry for the path I've chosen and I'm sorry it's taken this long for me to admit to my fault."

"I was a coward, following in my father's footsteps. But I'll be damned if you're sentenced to a life of darkness because I chose the wrong side. Listen to me Ashlynn, no matter what happens, your mother and I just want you to be happy." He sniffled, letting me go. My mom wrapped her hands around his midsection, leaning her head onto his shoulder. "I already lost one daughter to the dark lord. I refuse to lose another."

Suddenly, the house shook and I was blasted away, hitting my back against the wall with a slick crunch. A picture of my family that I had hung on my bedroom wall now lay on the floor, cracks feathered around our faces. Black smoke fumed the room and I couldn't see anyone. Panicked voices filled the air but I heard her devilish cackle clearly.

From out of the smoke appeared none other than Yaxley and Bellatrix.

"My, my, my. What do we have here? Trying to run?" Bellatrix's voice gave me chills. "Traitors!" She shrieked. "How dare you defy the dark lord. Cowards!"

There was a moment of stillness before chaos broke. It all happened so fast, I didn't know who shouted the fist spell.

"Stupefy!"

I lunged toward my mom, whose arm was outstretched towards me. She held the glowing, activated portkey and my father shielded her, shouting hexes.

All of a sudden I was on the ground. Yaxley had sent a stinging jinx onto my legs and yanked me up by the arm, snatching my wand in the process.

My mother screamed my name, but it was too late. A bright flash erupted from them and a second later, there was nothing. My mom had disappeared without me.

"Avada kedavra!"

Thump.

I was left, speechless, in Yaxley's grasp. My father was dead on the floor. Bellatrix's laughter filled my now tarnished room.

She flicked her wand, the tip of it pointing into the juncture of my neck.

No. No, no, no.

"Poor. Baby. Ashlynn." She taunted. "Crucio! Crucio, crucio, crucio!"

Pain erupted all over my body and it felt like all my limbs were constantly shattering. The screams and howls I heard couldn't have possibly been mine, but then again I was twitching and spasming on the floor.

"Bellatrix." Yaxley warned. "The dark lord requested them alive. You can't kill her, especially since we let her traitor mother escape and you killed Adam."

"You can't kill her." She mocked. "You're no fun."

I was trembling, barely holding myself together. Nervous sweat dripped down my brow and into my eye, stinging and mixing with tears.

"I always knew the Selwyns were snakes. Filthy traitors, the lot of you." Yalxey sneered.

I was going to die.

—---

The room was ice cold. My hands were bound and I was basically dragged through the parlor by Yaxley. The once familiar walls of the Malfoy Manor were dreary and dull. The air was stale and I couldn't believe what Draco's home had turned into.

A death eater's home.

But you knew that already.

Voldemort stood at the top of the shallow steps in all of his glory. Yaxley pushed me onto the floor, my arms still bound and in his grasp.

"Ah." His voice gave me shivers. "The youngest Selwyn graces us with her presence."

There were several Death Eaters present but none of their children. Except Draco.

"Now I see why your father was so insistent on postponing your mark. He had been planning this for a while, had he not? What a selfish man. Robbing his daughter of a glorious future."

Occlude. Occlude. Now.

"I am feeling quite generous today. It is a day of celebration. Young Malfoy has taken place amongst my ranks. It would be such a shame to burden his day with the promise of death bound to his comrade."

Draco tensed at the mention of his name, but stayed standing stiff. His eyes still glued to the floor, unmoving.

"Your parents are traitorous cowards, but your sister, well, she was one of the brightest witches that served me. Unfortunately she was not strong enough to survive, but I see fire in your eyes that she lacked. You are stronger than her, Ashlynn. It would be wasteful to spill your blood. Pledge your loyalty to me with the mark of a death eater and I shall grant forgiveness."

He walked forward until I could see the tip of his shoe from my peripheral vision.

"But my lord-"

"Silence, Bellatrix. You dare question me?" Voldemort's voice was quiet. He didn't need to yell.

"No, my lord." She bowed quickly and mumbled a mousy, "Apologies."

"I see such great potential in you. Along with Draco, you will rise with great power under my lead." He paused, crouching down to tilt my chin up with his long, pale fingers. "Tell me, do you accept? I do not hand out offers like this often."

I wanted to die. I wanted to puke my guts out. It would be torture to die at the hands of a tyrant like Voldemort, but at least it would end. I wouldn't have to think about sides or a war or people.

I thought of my parents and their last words to me. 'We just want you to be happy.' Well, I couldn't be happy if I were dead, lying on the cold floor of the Malfoy Manor. And so, although I wanted to die, I steeled my mind.

"Yes." My head was buzzing. It was faint, but strong and undying, like a faraway force approaching. "My lord."

He smiled. His slit-like eyes curled at the ends and his sharp teeth peeked out from his lips.

Occlude. Occlude. Occlude. Clear your mind.

"Good."