Alexithymia

18

If Voldemort didn't kill me, I'd probably die from the stress of repairing this stupid cabinet. I considered myself a fairly smart person, but nowadays, I felt like a bumbling idiot.

"It's not working." I snapped at Draco after his third attempt of the same spell.

"What did Potter want from you anyways?" Draco looked positively pissed to say the least. Even if I wasn't so keen on human facial expressions, I would've come to that conclusion based on his tone alone. "Bloody git kept staring at you during potions."

I didn't feel like arguing with him. Obviously I'd never get with Potter, but that stupid, blond git just never understood that. Draco sees him say one thing to me and suddenly thinks I'm gunning for the chosen one.

"Sod off, Draco."

"Merlin, you're so uptight. You're due for a good shag. Maybe Saint Potter would be willing to oblige." He cringed, revolted by his own suggestion.

"Gods, Draco, I'm in love with you. Take a bloody hint already." I yelled, accidentally dropping my wand in the process.

There have been a few moments where I've seen Draco stunned speechless. Apparently this was one of them.

My cheeks burned but as much as I wanted to take back my confession, I couldn't. Draco deserved to know that someone loved him. Especially since he didn't love himself.

My heart dropped when his face twisted with pain.

He ruffled a hand through his hair and avoided eye contact with me. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry- I really am, I just-"

"Stop." I blurted, shame burning in my chest. There was nothing embarrassing about my feelings for Draco. I knew that. But it hurt to know he didn't feel the same way about me. "It's fine- I didn't expect you to-"

"No, Ash-" He looked distraught and some evil part of me found peace that his emotions were all over the place.

"Don't." I put one hand out stopping him from moving closer, the back of my other covered my face as I turned away. "I don't want your pity, Draco, I just-"

Without a warning, he grabbed my hand and pulled me back facing him.

Occlude.

"Stop it."

Fuck.

"I'm sorry. Draco, I-"

"Don't apologize. Not to me." His face twisted. "I can't- we can't-"

It was too late. The tears that I was desperately holding back had escaped and were running down my face.

Draco gave a tense sigh and moved to wipe a tear with his thumb. "I'm sorry." He whispered, repeating it over and over in hopes that I would stop crying, but it just made me sob harder.

"We need to fix this cabinet" I sniffled, putting distance between myself and Draco. His hands twitched but they dropped to his side.

"I think you should go-"

"No." I interrupted him, walking back to pick up my wand from where I dropped it earlier.

Occlude.

"No, I'm fine." I muttered a simple incantation to get rid of the puffiness in my eyes. A simple, but effective, trick I discovered in fourth year. "You can go if you want, but we need to finish this soon."

When I turned back to look at Draco, I noticed how tired he looked.

You're such an idiot. You know how much he's struggling between this and the dark lord threatening him. Why'd you have to go and throw your emotional baggage onto him? You selfish girl. I can't believe-

"Ash."

My head snapped up to meet his and I could see frown lines forming.

"Stop it. You're over-thinking," He sighed, loosening his tie and pulling up the sleeves of his shirt to his elbows. "Let's fix this stupid, bloody cabinet."

-----

It happened one day, out of the blue.

"Draco, Draco!" I called, waving him over. The bird was alive.

He pulled me into a bone crushing hug and rocked back and forth. I relaxed into the hug, slightly smiling. It was a strange feeling. I was happy we succeeded, but that meant a whole nother thing was about to happen.

Draco conjured up a bottle of firewhiskey onto the table and plopped onto the couch with me shortly following him.

"Celebratory drink now that we've condemned Hogwarts to the doom of the death eaters? I took this from Blaise after I found out he's been the one enabling you to steal from my stash. It only seemed fair." He took a large swig of it but made a confused face and pulled it out of my reach.

"Dammit Blaise." Draco muttered, waving his wand over the bottle.

The label faded and morphed into a different language. It was the truth compelling drink Blaise had brought back from one of his Black Market adventures in France.

"That day you were crying after you told me you loved me, all I wanted was to kiss away your tears and tell you that my heart was already yours."

My eyes widened at his admission.

Draco's face flushed pink and he snapped his mouth shut, only for it to open a second later.

"I wanted to kiss you. Merlin, your lips look so pretty right now. It physically hurt me to keep my distance after- to not wrap my arms around you and tell you exactly how much I love you. I've been in love with you since fourth year. The person I wanted to ask to the Yule Ball was you, but I was too scared, too much of a coward."

His thoughts were going too fast for me to fully grasp the depth of what he was saying. Draco had now embraced his newfound honesty and was spewing out words without restraint.

"When you were dragged into my house during the summer- I was terrified. I was scared that he would kill you and extinguish the only light in my life. It sounds pathetic, really, but the look on your face when you got the mark still haunts me."

"I'm scared, Ashlynn. Honestly terrified of what's going to happen to us. I can't stop thinking back to our argument about blood status from fourth year. You know which one I'm talking about, right? It frightens me that I now understand where you were coming from- that it took the bloody death eater mark, and a tyrant living in my childhood home to see what you were really saying."

I hadn't moved since he started talking.

"Gods, I'm so in love with you that it hurts. I can't stop worrying about what will happen to you. I couldn't tell you that day and I'm sorry. I'm a coward, Ash, and I was scared that if I admitted to you how I really felt, you'd do something stupid and unusually Griffyndor, hurting youself in the process."

"You're strong. I know that, but I never want to see you hurt again." He paused, bringing a hand up to my cheek. "Can I kiss you?"

It felt like I was burning- in the best way possible.

"Yes."

My face was on fire as I nodded and wrapped my hand around his wrist.

One turned into two and several kisses later, I found myself sprawled on the couch under him.

"I love you," He murmured between kisses, making me smile. My hands clawed at his back, pulling him closer to me.

Draco was warm and passionate- two things I never expected to feel from him, but I reveled in it.