Alexithymia

22

<ASHLYNN POV>

I knew from a young age that everything was subjected to change. But no child wants to imagine the death of their parents. Even if the world was crashing down, the only thing constant would be a mother or father's love for their kid.

I also knew that not everyone was lucky enough to have that. Fortunately, Draco and I both grew up with parents who would do absolutely anything for us. Albeit, mine showed their love from a distance. Even Pansy's parents thought the world of her.

Others were not so lucky. Theo, for example, had a shit father. Nott Snr. was a ruthless bastard who was everything I avoided. He was the sole reason for the many cigarette burns and scars Theo bore.

Draco's parents had their reservations about him getting the mark, but Theo's father wanted it for his son. He didn't waste a second suggesting Theo as Draco's replacement.

Theo had never been taught to process his emotions, like many of us. He was angry- angry that his best friend was dead, angry that Daph had left him, angry that he couldn't look his father in the eyes without trembling.

Most of the time he was angry at me.

"It's your fault, you know?" He slurred one night while we were drinking together. It was the first day back, a day of dealing with changes we weren't ready to face.

"You're not the only person who lost someone that day." I retorted, drowning my sorrows in a bottle of something that burned my throat.

Blaise never understood my coping mechanisms. He frowned upon my drinking habits, always trying to convince me to stop poisoning my body. He would take care of me, give me water or hold up my hair when I couldn't stop puking. I didn't understand why he stayed by my side, never indulging in the whiskey that I offered him, never complaining that I was out of my wits. I didn't understand why he stayed. Even Pansy had distanced herself.  His presence fueled my desire to drink myself numb. He was a good person- a person I didn't deserve to have taking care of me.

Theo, on the other hand, was a total dickwad. He was a mess- his uniform often astrew, empty bottles littered his room, and he always faintly smelled of smoke. There was something unsettlingly comforting about knowing he was just as messed up as I was. He blamed me for all of it- Daph and Draco's absence, the new, constant burning sensation on his arm. And yet, he'd always show up to my room late at night with a bottle of muggle vodka. Sometimes he'd glare at me in contempt, other times he wouldn't dare look at me.  I could always rely on Theodore Nott to make me feel like the horrible person I was.

It didn't help that we were now constantly around each other, whether it be at Hogwarts or called to the Manor for business.

"I hate you." He spat, while we waited in the drawing room of Malfoy Manor, awaiting the reason why we'd been called from school.

"You're much more pleasant when you're not sober." I frowned, nursing a headache from the night before. Snape had called us unexpectedly, so I didn't have time to chug anything to help it.

"Who said I was? Sober, I mean." He glowered, bouncing his knee.

"Unbelievable." I muttered.

A tall, rather sturdy looking man walked into the room and Theo immediately stood, fixing his horrid posture.

"Father." He greeted, avoiding direct eye contact.

I remained seated with one leg folded over the other and my hand folded in my lap, acknowledging his presence with a single nod. Nott Snr. could rot in a pit.

He took a glance at me and turned, signaling for us to follow him. I swear he muttered some rude insult but I held my tongue.

We were headed to the dungeons. It was dark and strangely cold. A horrid place, really, probably the worst in the Manor besides the dining room where the dark lord had his snake murder one of our professors.

In the absence of light, I saw three figures. Two of them were unfamiliar, but I gasped when I saw the third. She was bruised and looked like she hadn't eaten in days. Despite her rugged appearance, I'd recognize those curious eyes anywhere.  They never stopped shining.

It was the Lovegood girl.

------

<DRACO POV>

12th Grimmauld Place was probably the most dreadful place I've resided. Besides the Manor. The essence of pureblood covered the building, whatever that meant.

Not knowing about Ashlynn's whereabouts for the past month was nerve wracking, and frankly embarrassing. Granger was always nose deep in a book, but every time looked at me there was blatant pity in her eyes.

It was a stretch to say that the three were comfortable around me. Potter was probably the least weary, but he didn't offer me more than an occasional nod or piece of bread. It wasn't like I was vying for their friendship, but I often found myself thinking of the people I couldn't get out.

People I missed and owed my life to.

"Granger."

She peered up from her book and huffed, "You know we can't let you out. Stop asking."

I wanted to sneer at her. Of course I knew that, but I didn't. I needed one of them on my side and Granger was the least likely to deny my proposition. "Hear me out- I have an idea."

She spoke, her gaze still set on the pages filled with ink. "Look, Malfoy, I get that you're bored, but if this is another attempt to mess with Ron then you're wasting your time-"

"That's not it. It's serious this time."

Granger gave no implication that she was listening, so I continued.

"What if there was a way to get them out?   The others who want to defect- we could duplicate the potion that I took."

"Do you seriously think I haven't thought about that?" She raised a brow and set her book down onto the table, looking unimpressed. "It would be impossible- I have no idea where to even start. The research that Annika was using to make it is entirely destroyed- I know little to nothing about the dark mark and the properties that the potion would have to encounter. And besides, we don't have any of it left to test. We can't even attempt to reverse engineer it without-"

"We could use my blood."

She paused her rambling, her mouth slightly open and she tilted her head as if it would help her better understand.

"We could use my blood." I repeated.

Granger shook her head, "I heard you. I just- I never considered that as an option. We'd have to extract multiple blood samples. You know that right? And even so, we'd have to consider how the potion has mixed with your blood. There might not even be that much left in your bloodstream. It could take months, Malfoy. Honestly, I'm not even sure it's possible."

My lips twitched into a slight smile. She didn't say no.

I leaned onto the table across from her and crossed my arms. "My, my, Granger. Did you forget who you were talking to? You're not dealing with Potter or Weasley this time."

She huffed a laugh. I wasn't sure if it was condescending or of amusement, but she definitely seemed intrigued. "How many defects can we get? If we want to get this approved, we'll need more than just Aslynn to justify this. You know that, right?"

"Yes." My response was curt. Obviously I wasn't thinking about anyone besides Ashlynn.

"Anyways." She continued, ignoring me and gathering her things from the table. "I'll talk to Harry and the others about this, but if we do this, you can't be a prick."

"Of course." I stood, straightening my legs.

It wasn't that I didn't have faith in my own abilities, or Granger's- however swotty she might be. Statistically speaking, our chances of success were fatally low. I knew that. I knew that and yet I was going to do it anyway.

Ashlynn Sewlyn. Just you fucking wait.