Alexithymia

09

I hated Umbridge. I absolutely loathed her.

When she called me into her ungodly pink office for a 'word', I went in fully expecting the worst.

"Would you like a cup of tea?"  "Have you heard of any suspicious activities happening outside of class?" "Nothing? Surely you must have seen something." "When was the last time you spoke to Mr. Potter?" "My, you have such pretty long black hair.  It must be from your mother's side." "I must say, I really think you have a place on the Inquisitorial Squad." "It's a wonderful extracurricular activity.  I'd be happy to add your name to the list Miss Selwyn, even if it is a tad bit late."  "Not enough time to join? You must be swamped studying for O.W.L.S."  "Such a shame though, not first in your year like your sister."  "Not first, second, or third,  but fifth!"  "And from the great Selwyn family?"  "Your father must be so disappointed."   "This is why you weren't chosen for Prefect this year." "You have no motivation, no strive."

This bitch-

Occlude.  Compartmentalize- put everything away.

It was no use.  No matter how much I wanted to occlude, I wasn't good enough yet.

I was about two seconds away from either Avada-ing myself or full on jumping at Umbridge with my fist before someone knocked on the door.

If Pansy and Draco were concerned for my well-being, they certainly didn't show it.

"Sorry for disturbing you.  If you're done with Ashlynn, we'd like to borrow her for a moment."  Pansy displayed her perfected smile.

"I'm quite finished with Miss Selwyn.  I'm sure she has much to think about."

Umbridge simply smiled as Draco pushed me out.  Once the door closed, he let me go and I found myself surrounded by her house mates.

Blaise took a careful step forward and gave me an awkward pat on the head.  I was short enough for him to do so easily, barely passing his shoulders.  Nothing affectionate, but similar to how you'd comfort a small child if you had no idea what to do.  Tracey and Daphne exchanged looks but neither of them broke the silence.

No one moved until Pansy grabbed my hands.  She turned them palm side down and wordlessly examined the backs.

"I'm fine, Pans.  She didn't make me use the quill."

Pansy let out a sigh of relief and quietly murmured "Thank Merlin".

It was Daphne who broke the silence next.  "We knew she was interrogating people, but we didn't think she'd go after you." 

"She asked me when I last spoke to Harry Potter."

Blaise burst out laughing.  Everyone had been there the last time I spoke to Harry Potter.  It was not very pleasant.

We were in the halls and Draco had just called Hermione another god-awful slur.  It was uncalled for, really.

Potter and Weasley were there as usual, but this time Weasley tried for redemption with his 'eat slugs' spell.  And missed.

I ended up spending the majority of the day with Madam Pomfrey, barfing slugs. Before Blaise dragged me away, I was able to get in a few nasty insults and screamed at Harry bloody Potter and Hermione friggin Granger to control their raging ginger boyfriend.

Draco apologized to me profusely after that.  He was expecting me to yell at him.  Or curse him.  Or quite frankly just slap him.  But I didn't. 

Occluding would be my best friend this year.  If I could get it to work as well as I needed to.

"I think you should join the Inquisitorial Squad."  Draco stated.  "It'll at least get her off your back."

"She can't possibly think you're associated with whatever Potter's doing."  Daphne's brows furrowed and Blaise put a comforting hand on her shoulder.  "It's absurd."

"Maybe you should stop meeting up with Longbottom too,"  he added, "That's probably the most suspicious thing."

I frowned at Blaise's warning, remembering my earlier conversation with Neville.  I needed him to pass Herbology.  The dude was a total plant nerd and the only reason I hadn't flunked out yet.

"If you still need help after calling it quits with him, ask Theo." Tracey suggested.

"Or I could help you," Draco added.

"I stopped meeting with Longbottom last week."  I said, twisting my hand together and avoiding Pansy's stare.

It was suspicious, I know, that Neville suddenly didn't have time to tutor me anymore.  I suppose with O.W.L.S. and everything, it could make sense, but I was pretty sure he had something to do with whatever illicit activities Umbridge was searching for.

"Any idea why?"  Pansy questioned.

"No clue." 
—-
I wasn't planning on taking up Draco's offer to help me with Herbology.  The first week without help was going well, until we started things that I hadn't reviewed before Neville bailed on me.  My grades dropped so significantly that Professor Sprout pulled me aside after class to ask if I was okay. 

The old lady was way too nice for her own being.  She was disappointed that I was no longer getting the help I clearly needed to stay on top of my rank, so she offered me a redo on one of the exams.  Which was why Draco and I were sitting in the common room with books cluttered across the table. 

I liked working in the library, but Draco refused.  Said it was too quiet for him and made his thoughts too loud.

"When did you start occluding?"  He asked out of the blue.  We had finished two review sheets and I was about to take a break, but I guess this was an invitation to talk instead of working.

"What do you mean?"

"You're- different now.  You used to blow up, get emotional.  Remember that time in third year where you screamed at me because you were mad about what happened to the bloody chicken?  Stuff like that.  But now- now you're closed off.  It's eerie, strange.  I can't tell what you're thinking anymore."  His eyes dropped down to his shoes.  "You've been doing it all year."

"I don't know what you're talking about."  I scoffed.  "What do you mean 'closed off'?"

"Don't play daft, Ash.  You're doing it right now.  Stop lying to me and let's just have an honest conversation."

"I don't know if you recall, but the last time we had an honest conversation, you didn't talk to me for almost half the term and the entire summer."

"Right, well- I apologized for that, didn't I?"  He said sheepishly, "Things are different now."

"I suppose."  Although I didn't really. It was barely an apology.   "Annika taught me before I left.  Said it would help me in case I felt like trashing another room."

His brow raised, curiously.  "You trashed your room?"

"And I suppose you haven't?"  I scoffed when he shook his head.