Alexithymia

20

Everything was dark and dreary. Not even the summer sun brightened the stoic halls of Malfoy Manor.

Each day passed like a blur- busy death eaters roaming in and out of the passages in secret meetings.

On Draco's birthday, I drank myself stupid, wrapped myself in his jumper and passed out on the floor of my room.

I was the sole resident of the West wing but when I passed Draco's old room, I heard sniffles emerging from it.

The soft whimpers from Narcissa brought me back to his funeral. It was hard to remember that Draco wasn't actually dead. I hated how I couldn't reassure her that he was okay- that after the war was over, somehow she'd see him again.

She had lost her son. And yet, during the burial, she remained by my side along with Lucius. Her hand firmly placed in mine, similarly to how Draco had comforted me at Annika's funeral.  She gave me comfort I knew I didn't deserve.

Draco must've been infuriated with me.  He was probably confused and angry, waking up in an unfamiliar place, filled with people we were taught to hate.  And alone.

I had no right to make that choice for him. I had no right to let his parents believe that their only son was cold and dead.

As much as I harped on myself for the events of that night, if it came down to it, I'd do it all over again. He deserved a life free from the mark.

I'd see him eventually. It all made sense. I'd have my cake and eat it.

With Dumbledore dead, only Snape, Draco, Harry, and Hermione knew my real intentions. I wasn't sure if the members of the Order trusted Snape now that Dumbledore was deceased and I hoped they weren't as idiotic as to let Draco roam around after being presumed dead.

I just had to find Harry Potter- wherever he was, Hermione was sure to be around. The most wanted wizard in Great Britain was sure to be downright impossible to find.

—-

Narcissa took her stance as my guardian while I stayed at the Manor. The absence of Draco left her noticeably distressed and I often found her clutching his wand.

Harry hadn't bothered grabbing it off the floor of the astronomy tower when he left.

"You are to return to Hogwarts," She said one day during afternoon tea in the parlor.

With the dark lord on the rise, many parents were hesitant to let their children return to Hogwarts. Especially with the death of the headmaster. It was much too uncertain for most.

When I boarded the train, I was met with looks of disdain from nearly everyone. Ginny Weasley in particular had to be restrained by Neville when I crossed paths with them.

"It's all your fault!" The feisty ginger witch shouted, thrashing in Neville's grasp. "You did this. You're the reason my brother and Harry are on the run."

As much as I wanted to shout back at her that I didn't have a choice, I couldn't. Because I did have a choice and I chose the wrong one. Getting Draco out was the only thing I could do in a poor attempt to fix my wrongdoings, but the guilt never ceased.

I brushed past the small crowd that had gathered, ignoring their whispers and stares.

The Slytherins were known to occupy the back of the train, in a large compartment that most other houses didn't dare venture into.

Almost everyone had returned. Their parents' statuses as death eaters or supporters of the dark lord almost guaranteed a safe return for them. With Snape as Headmaster, little to no harm was expected to come to us.

The familiar faces all blurred together- Pansy, Blaise, Theo, Crabbe, Goyle, but one face in particular was missing- or two.

Along with Draco's blatant absence, Daphne was nowhere to be seen.

Theo sat in an empty booth, away from the others with a rather nasty look on his face. He looked up at my arrival and immediately scowled.

"I hope you're happy with what you've done, Selwyn."

His hostility alerted the others to my entrance.

"Lay off her, would you Theo? She's had a rough couple of months." Blaise sighed, leaning back into his seat and patting the open area next to him. "Besides, you would've done the same thing if you were in her position. It's not her fault the way things turned out."

I slid into the empty spot beside Blaise. His eyes were noticeably rimmed with red and puffier than I've ever seen.

"Where's Daph?" My voice was no louder than a quiet tremble. Surely I would've heard if something had happened to her that night. It was my fault. I hadn't reached out to her, figuring that everyone needed time to process what had happened, but I had no idea that Daph was suffering or injured, or Merlin- maybe even dead-

"Ash." Blaise said, nudging me out of my head. "Daph's fine. Her parents didn't think it was safe so they sent her and Tori off to live with their grandparents until everything calms down."

Pansy sat across from us with her head buried in her hands, shaking in silent sobs. Daphne's safety was reassuring, but it didn't take away from the fact that Draco was still dead.

He's not dead.

Well Pansy doesn't know that.

You could always tell her.

But I couldn't. For Draco's safety, no one else could know he's alive. If Voldemort caught wind that Draco was alive, not only failed his task, but was also being sheltered by the order, he'd stop at nothing to kill Draco in cold blood. Telling Pansy to relieve her pain would only put her at more risk.

"I can't believe he's gone, mate." I heard Goyle whisper to Crabbe. Both of them were staring out the window and I think it was the first train ride I haven't seen them feasting on the trolley snacks. Goyle held a single chocolate frog in his lap- Draco's favorite.

There was muffled shouting from the front of the train that died down as quickly as it started. Other than that, the ride to Hogwarts was painfully quiet. Every once in a while, Pansy would sniffle or Theo would sigh, but no one was willing to talk about the very prominent missing members of our house.