MHA Fanfiction: Inbound

What if I Said...?

🚨 !!! Trigger warning: talks about suicide !!! 🚨

Iylla's POV

I've been in therapy for a few weeks now, but, it still felt like one awkward confession after the other. Nothing about it felt healing, but Barry had been insisting that it was working. Until today, that is.

"What's going on in your head today, Iylla?" Barry asked, his scrutinizing eyes judging me. "You seem different."

"I've been thinking, that's all."

"Oh? Care to enlighten me?"

I haven't been sleeping recently. And I've stopped trying. My grades were slipping, and I think I was almost failing at least half my classes. The other half, I was close to almost failing. But as low as my grades were, my mood was far below them. I don't think I've ever felt this way before. Just so utterly dead on the inside.

"Iylla?" Barry called to me, recapturing my attention. "You've been very distracted today; what's changed between this session and last?"

"In two days, its the anniversary of my childhood best friend's death," I admitted, knowing full-well that was only partly why my poor temperament was so volatile lately. "His name was Toya, and he's only dead because of me."

"Tell me why you feel that way,"

I shook my head, sighing. Why did I even bring it up? I knew I wouldn't want to talk about it. Toya always went unprocessed. I doubt I would ever fully come to terms with what happened. His death was a part of what made me who I was. Who would I be without him?

"What do you think about this?" I tossed a crumbled-up piece of paper on his desk, twiddling my thumbs anxiously. I'd been looking for someone to bounce the idea off of, but everyone in my inner circle would be too biased. Barry was supposed to be impartial, right?

I watched his every movement, wondering what he would say. What if he disagreed with me? Would I heed his council? What if he agreed with me? Was one person's approval enough to push me over the edge? And when did I start craving another person's support and permission? 

Barry's eyes fluttered across the page, astonishment making them read faster. 

"You're planning to drop out of school?"

Shrugging, my face did not betray the inner turmoil I felt. "I've been toying with the idea."

"I think you're more than toying with it; the form is nearly completely filled out. All that's left are the signatures."

"Yeah, I guess you're right."

Barry waited for me to continue, but my declining willingness to cooperate prevented me from explaining.

"Why do you think dropping out is the best action plan?" He pressed.

"I'm no good at this," I tapped my toes together, counting how many times they met. "Saving people was never my priority. I just wanted to be strong. I thought it wouldn't matter. I thought my strength would be enough, but I'm not even strong. So if I don't give a crap about saving anybody, and I'm not strong enough to hold my own, then why am I even trying?" Tears started to well in my eyes, but I refused to let them fall. I bit my tongue, choking back the emotions. "Seems like everything would be a lot easier if I just stopped trying."

Barry wrote things down in his stupid little notebook, never taking his gaze off me. The rain outside hit the window, pitter-pattering as they died against it. 

"I have to say, Iylla, I'm quite shocked by this development," Barry said, setting his pen down. "I thought we were making progress. What-"

"Just tell me what you think," I growled at him, but I didn't mean to, so I added a please to the end of the sentence as an afterthought.