Me

My parents

This topic I haven't touched on too much yet. I think that they are the main reason I get sad..
So as I said, my parents have always been convincing me to get out and make friends, but the way they say it- that just makes it worse. They say how if I don't talk to people I'll never have any friends, they say how if I'm shy and aren't good at having conversations no one will want to talk to me, etc.
And as this kept going on and I went longer without real proper friends it became harder and harder to talk to people. Social pressure and whatnot, needing to always say the right thing..really stressful. It's best to say nothing at all for fear of saying the wrong thing.....
As I grew up my parents started pressuring me more and I started getting grumpy and irritable at home.
Of course, they think I'm bitchy all the time so they reprimand me about that. They say I need to change my attitude. My dad always is telling me to stop making a big deal out of everything and to stop being so selfish. But I can't help it I'm a really sensitive person. And I TRY SO HARD NOT TO BE SELFISH!!! I care about everyone, I'm always trying to help people, I try so hard to ignore my own needs. So when I get told off for EATING SOME JAM when there is only a bit left (I should've saved it for other people), it makes me feel awful because if something this small is such a big deal then what about other times, when it's a bigger thing...I must be a huge selfish jerk.
My dad says I'm always picking arguments, but I think it's actually him tbh..I ask for something, like say have 5 more min on my iPod. And he says no. Not because I have homework or whatever (I rarely have homework) but because of tiny things like 'it's late' (it's usually around 9). Anyway then I think this is stupid and I try really hard to compromise but he always is so stubborn and doesn't listen to anything i have to say (I don't usually fight too hard for it but like if I need to help a friend or something then I will- if I believe it is important). And I also think that part of the reason I do this is...I want to win. I'm so tired of never getting my way and I just want to have a say and get to do what I want for once..
My dad is always giving lectures to me on how to be a better person, he points out my flaws, and it just really hurts.
Like I guess you were trying to help me but telling me what is wrong with me isn't going to make me feel better about myself and get better.

And so...to be honest.....
I think I'm a bit afraid of my dad.
I'm scared to be alone with him, for fear he will start a 'nice, helpful, supportive' one on one lecture. Half the time it doesn't happens it's just us, my family is there too sometimes, but I'm still more afraid by myself- there's no one to distract him or anything. I can run to my room and cry as soon as he is finished.