Me

Nothing

Wow ok this book already has a lot of parts.
Last Friday I had my violin competition. It's basically one kid from each district in the province and so I came from my city and I played two pieces (concerto in A minor by Accolay, and Meditation from Thais by Massenet) which are grade 8 pieces. Last year I competed as well but in grade 7, I got honourable mention (there is 1st 2nd 3rd and three honourable mentions and last year there were about 13 people). However, this year I didn't win;(. There were about 20 people there tho. But the winner was a girl younger than me-__-
I'm never gonna be good enough to be famous;(.
Then on Monday I had an exam and I messed up many times on my fast piece;(. I probly failed.
It was so weird because usually both of these things would be super stressful and I would be like crying but I just felt nothing. I lately feel nothing usually. Things that I would normally be emotional over I can feel how I am kinda upset but it's deep down and usually I just feel that nothingness.
I try to block out everything, like I don't think about what is upsetting me. And I thought it was helping a lot but I'm not really sure.
I haven't cried in over a week😟 well I did a few nights ago but that was while reading a book and idek wether that counts cuz your brain can't really block it. Like while it's happening if I get upset then I'll feel that pain but then after I can't be upset over it. And over big things like my comp and like after showcase lots of people were crying cuz it's our last year at our school so we'll never do showcase again but I wouldn't let myself think about it.

So...my violin group is going to China next year during March break. I was SOOO happy when I recovered my teacher's email, I was literally jumping up and down and squealing and down like a happy danceXD. I could not stop smiling for over an hour! I hadn't been that happy in I can't remember. My mom said I would probly have to pay some (it would be at least $1000 to go) but I didn't care I have about $500 saved up...even tho I was gonna try to keep saving that to visit my friend;(. But this was the opportunity of a lifetime and it would be highly unlikely I could fly to her anytime soon anyway.
So anyway I was SOOO happy. My teacher said we'd see the Great Wall of China!! And we'd go to Shanghai and go to big concert hall places and maybe perform and we'd meet kids there who play violin too.
Except...then my mom told me last night that I probly couldn't go;(. She said that I'm too young and she doesn't trust me-__-
I'm SOOO upset tho like that was the one thing in my future I was so looking forward too and I would be able to get away and omg it would be amazing.
And now I can't go.
Ugh
I just..
I feel like everything that makes me happy never works out😢