Me

Better...but...worse

Grade 7
I went to a different school now- a middle school for grades 7 and 8. In this school there were 4 programs, I was in the arts program. I only knew two people from my old school who I wasn't really friends with. I was terrified the first few days but it helped that nobody knew anyone and I right away became best friends with a girl, Olivia- I'd met her on audition day and we were both hoping the other would get in...XD
She was like my only friend the first few months but she started getting way more friends and after a few months I found myself getting some friends...one was this girl, Shylah. We became best friends...well...kind of...I was still really good friends with Olivia esp at school but I would text Shylah a ton, and she said I was one of her best friends but it didn't seem like it at school so idk. Ig it never really was that great of a friendship. Anyway even though people were nice to me I still cried each night...everybody was way closer to eachother than I ever would be...I was just the quiet nice person.
I longed (and still do) for a bff who I can joke with and be silly with and be myself with.
Now probly the worst part in my life when I didn't know how to handle anything...
In February of grade 7, Shylah told me that she cut herself. This was new to me- I didn't know people did that back then. I didn't understand that well. I told her to stop, but a few weeks later I found out she hadn't.
The fact that she hurt herself and I didn't know how to help..that made me miserable. It was awful...I became depressed (I think...?). I thought it was all my fault I blamed it on myself because if I was a better friend I'd be able to make her feel better and stop...
And, I, too wanted to hurt myself. I didn't wanna cut or anything..but..I scratched my leg with my nails and it left marks for like a week.
Then she told me she was gonna leave the school (cuz she didn't like it and it made her depressed) and I was miserable for the weekend it was awful I'd never been that sad it was all I could think about..but then she said she WAS staying so I was relieved
But it was horrible
Oh this was in like May...but..she'd stopped talking to me in April- over text.
She told me it was cuz she had told her mom that she cut so her mom said that she wasn't allowed on her phone for a while. I believed her...but...originally she said 3 days and then she said her mom kept extending it...I still held on to the belief that she wouldn't lie to me and stuff...but..eventually I learned she was texting people..and not me. And believe me, I tried to talk to her I messaged her a TON but she never answered and she said she didn't get my texts and I'm like ya sure.
So that was the end of our friendship. (She ended up leaving in the second month of grade 8), so I haven't talked to her since. And over text I haven't talked to her in a year.
So...that was grade 7.