Me

Downhill

So, I've started school. High school. I was SOOO stressed. Like on the way to school the first day I was shaking and breathing hard and panicking. Then, I was told to be there early to get the stuff I missed on orientation day (such as your lock and locker) and they said to wait until the assembly. So I wasn't sure what to do and I just kinda stood around and then I saw this girl and I wasn't sure wether to go up to her or not; I had this battle in my head wether or not to and I wouldve except then I was like, crap I've been standing here too long it's too late- but right as I decided not to she came up to me- and now she's my best friend at the school!:)
She's really smart though. She reads a lot and has a really big vocabulary from that and just the way she talks you can tell she's super smartXD. A lot of the time she says stuff and I'm not sure what she means though. I just feel like an idiot next to her. I know she thinks I'm one too...
The last like week I've been really down, and had really low self esteem (like I'm rarely this bad) and it's probably partly that but I don't really think so..it's just about everything in general. I feel sad and worthless and ugly and fat and stupid and depressing (I can't even hide it) all the time and ughhh.
I tried to make myself throw up yesterday...it didn't work. I just gagged and spit up but that's it:(. I need to do something about my appearance! My face is gross so I can just change my body...but that's really not working.
I'm also really stressed rn..like..my best friend Kylie stopped talking to me (ish) she won't vent to me anymore which she always did and I miss her so much:( and idk how to tell her that😟. I'm sooo worried about her. And when I talk about her she ignores me and that hurts..I want things to go back to how they were😟I don't want it to change...
And then my friend Jordyn who is also depressed and suicidal has gotten worse and I don't know how to help her:( and I just feel like an awful friend and I'm really stressed out I want to help her! It's actually really hard helping someone with depression, if you are doing it please make sure that you aren't getting badly affected by it; you may need to talk to someone else about it- I'm always here if you're depressed and need to talk, if you're helping someone with depression and need to talk, or even if you just want to talk:3. But never leave them. It will make them worse, and honestly usually depressed people are the nicest and kindest and most amazing people. I wouldn't leave Kylie and Jordyn for the world. I just need some help helping them;(
So..that's my life right now...not at its highest peak.