Me

Fat

Last summer, my dad had to have surgery on his stomach. I was a bit scared for him of course, but the operation went fine. He was supposed to come home after three days. But his recovery went really slow, so they kept extending the date he was going to leave. The entire rest of the summer he stayed in the hospital. My mom went to visit him 2-3 times a day, once from like 6:30-10:00, then she'd come home for lunch, go back around 2-4:00, then again idek just she'd come home after 7:30 so we would have dinner after 8:00 usually. And if I'm being honest...I liked it when my parents were gone. My dad is harsher than my mom so while sometimes my mom yelled at me that I need to get more stuff done while she's gone, it didn't hurt me as much. Like I know I should've been worried about my dad and upset that he is in the hospital but I knew he wasn't going to die so that didn't really bother me.
Now before you go thinking I'm heartless...
In like the second week of September my dad was going to have a second surgery because things weren't going well with his stomach. Because of this I became really stressed and worried. Like if something is wrong..what if they can't fix it or make it worse and he died? I thought I was ok, until the actual day of the surgery, and then it kinda hit me. I cried on the bus, and then at school I had to use all my strength to walk into class without crying. I was stressed the entire morning until my mom texted me he was fine. So then I was relieved...
But..I was starting to dread his coming home. I had gotten used to living with my parents away half the time, and I liked it.
I know I eat too much candy and stuff, so in August I had started limiting my amount of candy; I didn't have any candy two days a week and I tried to control the amounts the other days.
When my dad came home (he came home on his birthday actually!) I admit a part of me was a bit happy to have him back. But after a bit he started criticizing us again. What I remember about this month (mostly October) is how he commented on how much I ate. He told me I ate way too much junk food, and when I told him I had been eating a lot less candy he either didn't believe me or didn't think it was enough. He kept saying how I eat a lot, and I have a big stomach, etc.
So...I started trying to eat less. I wish I could be anorexic but I'm not strong enough to go for long without food or succumbing to its temptations...
Basically what I did was I would skip breakfast. Then to school my mom usually packs me a sandwich and some fruits or veggies and then I'm supposed to pack another snack but I stopped doing that. At school I would eat the fruit and veggies and then usually throw out the sandwich or only eat a bit. So on food days I would just eat like a cucumber for snack and a few strawberries for lunch. Then after school I would eat a bit and I would eat a normal dinner.
I remember one night, it was a Sunday night (btw on weekends I ate normally cuz first nothing to distract me from that food and second my parents would tell me to eat), and my dad told me I was fat (I think I was getting some ice cream or something). This really hurt me so the next day I wanted to just starve. I didn't eat anything the whole day (:)) but then I couldn't think of an excuse not to eat dinner so I had to have a small helping (but that's all I had).
I was pretty proud of myself but then the next day I think I ate normally....😳😔
Then at the end of October I was talking to my friend and I told her I was trying to eat less and stuff and she told me not to that it was bad and so idek why but I started eating normally...
I now eat SO much I think I've gained like 3 pounds since January...
I have so much more fat than I did last summer. But I can't bring myself to not eat again. Ugh. I'm a failure.

Btw I am 5"4 and I think 109lb.....😳😭😔