Me

Life

Ok. So. Update. ? If u guys wanna hear it:/
Basically I had my violin lesson yesterday and it was my last one before my competition and one of my pieces still isn't memorized and that's really bad😁. I can do it at home...just not in front of people. And I kept making stupid mistakes I never do I even played this one part for my friend and it was good. Ugh. And this 17 year old who is super good was next so she came in and heard me (try to) play and it sucked...
I look up to her a lot she's super good and I wanna play like her but I probly never will...*tears*
I'm gonna fail at my competition:(
I now weigh 113lb..I've gained weight...I'm so fat;(
I really wanna be skinny for the summer and for grad. Yesterday I only had about 500-600cals and I burned like half of that at least (hopefully) running, I am trying to lose weight and all my fat esp in my thighs and my butt ew I hate them. Before my goal was 100 but now I don't think I need to lose that much plus I'm not strong enough to do that much and so I just wanna be under 110. I'm not gonna starve myself I'm just gonna eat less cuz I eat WAYYY too much and I'm gonna not eat unhealthy stuff and I will run a lot. I usually go running with my dad about 2km, and basically my neighbourhood has lots of hills so when we get to a hill we sprint up it and then walk a bit then run then sprint up the next hill. (burst training is the best to lose weight and get fit). I've actually found that once U get over initial hunger that's basically just craving food then it's really easy to decline food after. Like at snack I stole my friends food (XD yes I'm that person) but then after I didn't have lunch and I was a bit hungry but then by the time school finished I wasn't hungry and I barely ate anything at home and for some reason I was even full at dinner after just a bit of food. But my stomach hurt...idk if it's from that tho. And this morning I got full after like 3 bites of breakfast (but I ate it all anyway).
I know this is gonna sound ironic but...i really need your advice so if anyone who reads this has ANY advice PLEASE tell me...my one best friend is anorexic and the other is bulimic and idk how to help them and the anorexic one for some reason thinks I'm like perfect and she does what I say so she's trying to start eating for me (it's really sweet but I have no clue why she thinks I'm amazing and does all this for me like it makes me feel bad cuz I know I don't deserve it and I can't live up to her expectations). But my bulimic friend who I love soooo much idk how to help and she won't eat like anything and if she does she throws it up she's lost so much weight and it hurts me so much it makes me cry just thinking about it but idk how to get her to stop..she doesn't care that sh could die but I care so much and idk how to get her to see it. If u have any advice please help me?

Another thing: last night I got like completely overwhelmed by love my friend who is anorexic keeps saying how I'm perfect and then my other best friend (irl tho) msged me this super long message about how amazing I am and it caught me off guard I totally wasn't expecting that and it made me feel horrible cuz I'm not great I'm an awful friend and nobody should feel lucky to have me as a friend..I'm the lucky one.