random thoughts & scrawls

11.03.21

I'm just worried that you don't give a shit about me. That all of this has just been some scheme of yours to finally have some freedom and get out of your mom's house at a reasonable price. It's not that I think you're capable of being that evil, it's just that I've been proven wrong in the past. Forgive me for being a bit wary.
I guess what I mean is, it's okay that you want to do your own thing sometimes, and it's okay that you wanna play games with your friends—who you hardly ever see—but I need you to stop sugarcoating things and tell me the truth. Stop saying you'll hangout soon when you won't be, and stop promising things you can't fulfill. I've been through that before and I don't like it.
Another thing, though... is I'm worried that you don't even love me. That you don't care about me at all. Because I know you said you're just bad at showing affection, but it feels like you're not even trying. It's like I don't matter, because I'll always be there—especially now that we live together. You hardly kiss me, you rarely spend one-on-one time with me, and you (at least recently) have only mentioned you love me at the end of a video call, and even then it's "love you, bye". It really hurts me. Maybe because I'm starving for affection, or maybe because I've seen this before and I know how it ends.
All I ask is that you tell me the truth, because I'm tired of spending my life tripping over people who don't give a damn about me.
I love you so fucking much, but I can't keep giving my love to people who don't love me back.