Love i never knew... (bwwm)

Chapter 25

I was still in shock from losing Philip, the love of my life the father of my children. By now my family knew and so did the cops, I was questioned thorough but in the end it was taken for what it was a murder, as for Frank the anger that built up inside me was so great that I hated him and everything that reminded me of him. Poor Jace I thought, of course he didn't know his father was a monster, but how could I hate that little man, in fact I loved him harder. 

My mom had moved in, so with the constant presence of her, Elisabeth and Susan, making me never alone,  in fact I couldn't be alone since I wasn't ok, I could barely get out of bed, eat or even sleep. I became a zombie, crying all the time, my two little ones were suffering because I couldn't function, which was bad but am glad I had help because am sure they would suffer more than I was at the moment. I laid in bed just staring at the ceiling.
"Baby you need to eat something, you're getting worst and I don't want that," my mom reason.
I didn't even acknowledgr her presence,  I just cried and she sat next to me.
"I can't imagine losing your love, but what I can say is thatvhe wouldn't want to see you like this."
She was right but I was too emotional to care. Philip's funeral had arrived and I wasn't prepared, I saw his face so still, and I couldn't do it. I sat still not even paying attention to what t he minister was saying, nothing exist at that time.
After the ceremony was complete I waited at the apartment ny the window, just looking down, wondering what would happened if I jump. I could end all the pain I was feeling, but what about my kids, my family, slowly I backed away.

Night after night I found it harder to sleep, he is always there, no matter how much I try not to do it but I can't. And its always the same thing, him smiling at me laying next to me, in my memories his smile was even brighter.  I remeber one night talking to him.
"How could you do this to me?"
"I didnt plan any of this." He replied
"Then you should have warned me, so that I knew."
"Would you have believed me?" He asked
I though about it and it was clear what the answer was.
"I mean look at me, am a mess without you, everything we been through was icing compared to this."
"I know, Nicole thing sounds better."
I rolled my eyes at him.
"Of course that is way better at least you were alive for me to slap or argue with, but now your not."
I began to cry, he looked at with me sad eyes.
"I am not going anywhere,  we both know that."
I smiled at him because he was right.
Of course all night we talked about other things like the children, my mom, just as if he was here, I guess what they say is true about the imagination. But still I enjoyed it all as if nothing had changed.

The next day I got up from bed to the surprise of everyone happy smiling and relaxed.
"What happened to you?" Asked Elisabeth.
"I just see things differently. "
"Am glad you do, speaking of Meredith and Philip jr has been crying for you." My mom added.
I looked over at my two beautiful babies and see how precious they were and how much I needed them. I walked over and picked up Philip jr then Meredith, who was still light enough I could manage both.

Night after nighty visions of Philip appear we would have random convos about any and everything. My crying got less as I was happy and I could see Philip but that's when it happened, I began hyperventilating, my breathing got worst.  I was just looking around for someone to help me, Philip was over me screaming, he was saying something about help being on the way but I was too much in shock to hear anythinh else, then he whispered.
"I love you."
That was it slowly I began to lose consciousness.