Every Breath You Take

52

"I...There's something I have to tell you guys," Aiden croaked.

My heart dropped to the very pit of my stomach. I knew with one glance into my brother's crystal blue eyes what he was going to say—or at least, what he wanted to discuss with us. My heart broke at the sight of my brother, tears falling down his face and that look in his eyes.

Mom always said that looking into someone's eyes told more of a story than a facial expression or a magnitude words could ever express. Adding onto her theory, I always thought that people with blue eyes were the easiest to read—their eyes had a constant light in them that illuminated things that lingered in the dark depths of a person, even if the owner didn't want those things revealed. A blue like Aiden's though? Crystal-clear blue like a mirror? It was easy for me to see that within my brother, deep within himself, he already felt that he was losing whatever battle it was he stood fighting at this moment.

That look in his eyes—that defeat and sorrow that lingered in his beautiful blue eyes—left my heart in shards before mom's grave.

I wanted to run to my brother and throw my arms around him. I wanted to hold him as he cried, as I cried, protecting him from whatever it was he was so afraid of. I wanted to tell him that it was okay, that things would get better—but how could I say that when I didn't even know what he was going through?

At this moment, before anything else, I knew Aiden simply needed my silent support and attention. He needed a voice, a chance to finally speak. After that, when all was said, then I could hold him.

"There's something I have to tell you guys—it's something that I've been wanting to tell you guys for a while..." Aiden paused, chaos flickering like a gentle flame in his eyes as something warred deep within himself.

I reached for Aiden's hand, my fingers brushing along his calloused fingers. Aiden's eyes snapped towards mine, surprise bright in them. Looking at my hand, at what I was offering, his eyes watered even more and his hand gripped mine instantly. Tightly.

Nodding, I smiled through the own tears swimming in my eyes.

Where you are, I am. Whatever battle you're fighting, I'm there too.

Aiden's lower lip wobbled a little as he read my eyes. Fear, that serpent coiling around his blue irises, thrashed a little as my brother inhaled deeply, fighting to keep that tiny flame of courage awake in his eyes. He was so scared. I could see it.

So slowly, Aiden turned towards Isaac and dad, exhaling shakily as he went. His fingers trembled in my own, sweat beginning to coat both of our fingers.

I squeezed his hand.

Where you are, I am. Whatever battle you're fighting, I'm there too.

"Before I tell you, I just want you to know that I love you guys... I love you so much and that I never wanted to hurt anyone I just..." Aiden paused, inhaling sharply as his voice began to betray him, cracking with emotion. "I just didn't know how to tell you this... And I'm trying so hard right now to be strong, I really am. I want to be courageous, I want to be brave, but I feel so little. I feel like I'm drowning and I just... I just need to tell you this before I lose all courage in me to tell you guys at all."

"The truth is, I love someone." Tears fell fast, heavy, like a rain of bullets into my heart. "His name is Maverick, and I love him a lot." Aiden smiled through the tears, "I love him a lot and it's scary because sometimes I'm left stunned at how much I do, but I've been so afraid to say it aloud. I'm still afraid to say it and I don't know how to get rid of this horrible fear inside of me... I don't know how to live without being scared. I'm trapped wearing this porcelain mask on my face and every time I'm with Maverick, I want to take it off. I want to crush it off of my face and let it fall to the floor in beautiful shards because for a split second, everything feels right... I feel powerful. I'm soaring above the clouds and nothing can touch me up there. But as soon as reality comes rushing back at me, dragging me away from the things I want—the person I want—I find myself too afraid to even touch the straps of this horrible mask I'm wearing... I can't take it off. I'm a coward...I'm such a fucking coward and I don't have the courage to take this shitty mask off my face. I don't have the courage to rip myself off this stupid stage the world has me dancing on as my eyes linger elsewhere." Aiden laughed bitterly, tilting his chin upwards, staring at the heavens as he continued, "I'm gazing at the sky and the world has my feet glued to the stage, forcing me to tap dance when all I want to do is soar—I just want to fly."