"Adopted By" Oneshots!

Sail

(AN: This might be the darkest oneshot I've ever written. Also, Clem's sister is referring to thegayfromnextdoor 's OC Evelyn! Go read their book, it's amazing/nf/g

This is also a canon divergence oneshot, so the events of this oneshot aren't gonna happen in the actual book or even get mentioned/g)

Year: 2022
Book: Adopted by Six
Clementine's Age: 11

(TW: depression, insecurities, mental breakdowns, brief mentions of suicidal thoughts)
Song: Sail by AWOLNATION

Clementine's POV

Sail!

It seemed like playing the guitar was the only thing that keeps me grounded lately. It made me feel like I was safe...even though there was no reason for me not to feel that way. I'm safe here, I'm safe with Mom and Cedar, and everything should be okay...right?

Everything was okay, it was perfect...until it wasn't.

My hands were shaking on the frets of my guitar. The shakiness and the tears lining my eyes made it impossible to play a chord correctly...and then my fingers slipped. Ear-piercing feedback came out of my amp and I ran to turn the volume down to not wake my mom.

"Agh! Dammit! Why can't I do anything right?" I cried, sinking to my knees and sobbing into my carpet.

This is how I show my love
I made it in my mind because
I blame it on my ADD, baby

I've never been normal, I've known that for years, even since before I got adopted. As Mom puts it, "your brain is a little different than everyone else's, and that's okay, they'll still love you the same. I'll still love you the same." But what I've never understood was what that meant. Why wasn't my brain normal? Why was I somehow different from everyone else?

Maybe that's why I'm feeling this way, maybe that's why I'm feeling so broken and alone. My brain's just different, that's all.

This is how an angel dies
I blame it on my own sick pride
Blame it on my ADD, baby

It was in that moment that I realized how terrible of a person I truly was. I somehow manage to hurt everyone I come across, everyone I love...God, I probably ruined Mom's life. I ruined Cedar's life, I ruined my sister's life...

Maybe it would be better if I went back to Brazil. If I just left New York, bit the bullet, and went to talk to my biological parents and beg for them to take me back. And even if they didn't, I knew my area of Rio like the back of my hand. I could survive there for a few years. It seemed like the only way I could get out of this.

Mom would be happier if she didn't have a broken daughter burdening her anyway. Cedar would be happier if he didn't have a broken girlfriend. Evelyn would be happier if they didn't have a broken little sister.

I took advantage of people, my mom and aunts, my boyfriend and sister. They didn't have to take me into their lives...why did they? I'm a monster.

Sail!

Back to my guitar. The tears were getting stronger now, my vision was blurry even with my wide-rimmed glasses on my face. Hell, my hands were shaking too violently to even play one chord correctly...every time I tried, my hand slipped and any attempt at a riff or a calming melody turned to angry feedback and more frustration.

It's funny. My guitar, which was once so soothing to me...it was the reason I was losing it.

Maybe I should cry for help
Maybe I should kill myself

Maybe everyone would be better if I was just...gone. If I ended it all. But I'm rational enough to know that can't be true. I remember that time when I was fighting for my life...I wanted to stay, I wanted to stay with my family and friends.

Why can't I have that same mindset now?

Blame it on my ADD, baby

"Your brain's just different, Clementine. Your brain's just different, Clementine. Your brain's just diff-" I said to myself, over and over, in a hopeless attempt to convince myself I was okay.

No.

I wasn't okay. I was losing my mind, I needed help.

I frantically put my guitar back in it's case, shoved the amp against the wall, downed half a bottle of water so I didn't look like a complete mess, and ran to find my mom.

Maybe I'm a different breed
Maybe I'm not listening
So blame it on my ADD, baby

"MOM!" I screamed at the top of my lungs as I burst into Brittney's bedroom, not even caring to knock. I let my adrenaline take over as I sprinted to Brittney's bed and launched myself on it, sobbing into one of the pillows.

"What- Lemon, are you okay? What's going on?" Brittney said, giving me a hug. I started sobbing even harder, I couldn't even get any words out at this point.

"I'm losing it, that's what!" I snapped. "I-I think I just had some sort of mental breakdown, and I somehow...I somehow convinced myself I'm a terrible person and I ruin everyone's lives and I was actively considering running away to Brazil so you wouldn't have to deal with me and all my problems and I was considering breaking up with Cedar...the love of my life...you said my brain was different, Mommy...but something in me knows that something isn't right...what I'm feeling isn't normal, is it?"

Brittney turned to me, cupped my face, and wiped some of my tears away.

"Hey, Lemon, it's okay. You're okay. Listen to me, you are not a terrible person whatsoever. You don't ruin anyones lives, not mine, not the other Queens, not Cedar's, not your friends, not Evelyn's, nobody's. You are so loved by so many people, you hear that?"

I nodded slowly, starting to calm down and believe the words my mom was saying to me.

"Okay, Mommy." I said after a few seconds of seemingly awkward silence.

"Good. Now, get some rest, it's almost midnight, and tomorrow, we'll look into getting you some help, okay?"

La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, oh...

And that's exactly what I did. It's been about six years since that fateful night, I've been in therapy for a while, and I'm glad to say that I'm doing better. I'm happy with my family and I'm happy doing the things I love.

So here I was, sitting on a stool and strumming my electric guitar, taking joy in the notes and the rhythm I was playing.

I looked out to the very small audience and caught my moms eyes. I smiled sweetly at her and then I strummed the final chord.

"Sail!"