Rekindled- Jake Kiszka

Chapter 39

I didn't sleep for more than an hour, I couldn't. Fighting with Jake was always something that found a way to sit in my chest and never fade away until things were worked out. This fight didn't feel the same, it didn't feel like the rest where each person had reason to be mad at the other. We were both mad at the same person, and that person was me. His point about me being self-destructive ruminated in my mind to a point where being in my own skin exhausted me.

So, the second I heard Jake walking around the house, I knew I had to do something. I quickly brushed my teeth in my bathroom and pulled my hair up to get it out of my face, not bothering to try to fix my face or outfit, I didn't have the energy.

I slowly make my way out of my bedroom, trying to ignore the weight in my chest when I see him sitting at the table drinking his coffee. It was reminiscent of the first time he let me stay with him, back before we had even caught up from when I left. I can remember vividly how he looked standing in that kitchen, drinking from the same mug as now. But now he looked different, he looked drained both emotionally and physically. Still, I found a part of my heart softening up at the sight of his messy hair and soft features, the way the light rested perfectly on his lightly tanned skin. The sight of him could truly make me cry if I thought too hard about him.

With one more attempt to swallow the lump in my throat, I knew that I had to make a move right then or else I would turn and run the second he saw me. Taking a few steps closer until he looks up, I finally speak, the sound of my voice even shocking me a bit.

"Hey," I say in a meek tone, watching as he nods in response. This never got easier, initiating the conversation after a fight, but I needed this to be okay again.

"Can we talk? Please?"

He nods again, this time, to the chair across from him at the table. I take the signal and move the chair back, sitting down and avoiding eye contact entirely. I knew this had to be started by me, I made this mess.

"I'm sorry that I stormed off last night," I start, my fingers slowly dragging my locket across its chain, "I guess hearing you say that, it made me realize a lot of things at once and I got overwhelmed. When I heard it out loud, coming from you, I felt like I was understanding how much I don't share, and how unfair that is to you. It feels like I'm not showing you all of the love I have for you and I don't know how to communicate it because I've never had to do that before," I hated the feeling of this rambling, but I needed him to understand that I mean every word. "So, I just want to apologize for everything. Not talking about how I feel, making everything weird at the party with being around Sam all night, just, everything I've ever done. I don't know. I understand if this is it for you, I wouldn't want to be with me either after all of this. Just say the word and I'll get out of your house."

There were a few silence-filled moments where I continued to avoid his eyes as I could feel them burning into me. Meanwhile, mine stung with tears that I refused to let fall this early into talking.

"I should have never said that." Hearing his voice for the first time since last night made me want to break more than before. "You didn't deserve that at all. Everyone has self-destructive tendencies, it was unfair for me to try and hurt you like that."

He sounded as sad as I did, and he looked just as tired, which made me assume we probably had a similar night. "I don't care that you hung out with Sam, I don't think you would ever do anything with him and I know you didn't have bad intentions. I was the one acting off. I'm not going to take back anything about you not talking about how you feel, I meant that and I want you to understand that I meant it coming from a place of wanting to understand. I can't understand how you feel if you don't tell me how you feel. It feels awful not knowing how to help you because people help the people they love. This isn't it for me, there is no it, this isn't something that we leave behind. And you're not leaving our house, we just need to work things out."

Hearing him call the house ours instead of his made my heart flutter under the weight that had now lightened up in my chest. I still couldn't find it within myself to make eye contact with the man across from me, but catching glances when he wasn't looking certainly helped me read his expression.

"I don't want you to think that I don't trust you going on tour, I do, I shouldn't have said it in such an accusatory way. I'm just really scared to lose you guys," the end came out quieter than intended, though I know he heard me. I could hear him rise from his seat, taking my hand into his which prompts me to stand as well. Before I could say anything, he pulls me into the biggest, warmest bear hug I had ever been given. My body relaxed at his touch, my head resting against his chest as a few tears found their way down my cheeks.

"You're never going to lose us. Not Sam, not Josh, not Danny, and most certainly not me. I could never love a single person in this world the way that I love you, Jane."

His words did nothing to stop my tears, but they flowed now from a much different emotion. My body clings to his as one of his hands runs through my hair gently, my eyes closing as I remain against his chest. The sound of his heart beating and the feeling of my own, both almost perfectly in sync, only heightened the moment. "I love you, so, so much. I'm sorry for starting this whole fight," I say, just loudly enough for him to hear.

His fingers move under my jaw, lifting my head so that I would look up. When my eyes finally met his, the weight that once felt so heavy in my chest was nowhere to be found. His thumb came up to my cheek, wiping away the tears before he pressed a soft kiss to my forehead. "I love you too, Jane, don't apologize. Just promise me that you'll talk to me about stuff like this, okay? It's not going to start fights, I need to know how you're feeling when you're feeling it, don't bottle it up." His softened eyes meet mine as I nod quickly, moving back just slightly to put my pinky out.

He latches his pinky into mine, kissing his side before I kiss my side like we always did. "Can we go lay in bed?"

The small smile that came to his face brightened it up, making me smile slightly as well. "Of course, we can, I couldn't sleep without you next to me." He nods, taking my hand and starting to his room. "I couldn't either."

The second we enter his room, Jake goes to his dresser and grabs one of his shirts, coming over and holding it out for me to take. "Go change, I'll put a movie on or something."

"Oh, I can sleep in what I've got on, it's no big deal."

He shakes his head, looking from the shirt back up to me, "I like seeing you in my clothes." He always did, ever since the first time I stayed over. I could remember the cheesy whistle he did when I got out of his bed in his t-shirt after we hooked up for the first time. So, I take no time in heading into his bathroom, changing into his shirt, and coming back out. He was already in bed, picking a random movie and opening his arms for me. I climb into his bed, laying my head on his chest and feeling his hand return to my hair. "I love you, Jakey," I mumble, closing my eyes and moving my body closer to his.

"I love you too, Janey.

We both finally felt at peace with the situation, our eyes closing and sleep taking us over as we held each other closer than ever.