the words inside my heart

entry #39

june 22 - 2020

i was 14, you were 17

when we first talked i couldn't help but think how could i ever catch the attention of a boy like you

but now i wish i would have never texted you back

or told you i liked you

or invited you over

because what you did is something you can't ever take back

that piece of me you took with you is something i will never get back

i loved you despite it all when it happened

now i hate you more than you will ever know

i was 14 you were 17

i couldn't even give consent

but i don't think you really cared 

you saw the vulnerability in me

you saw a young girl who just wanted to be love

you took advantage of that

you ruined me

after it happened i hated my life and it's your fault

you should have suffered 

i wept

did you weep?

no because to you i was just another girl

i can't help but wonder what you thought after it happened

i thought ruining my life was all worth it for a boy

"at least i have sexual experience now"

i hate my past self for thinking like this

i hate God for allowing it to fucking happen

I WAS 14 FUCKING YEARS OLD

i needed love

NOT MORE PAIN

i was never the same

i'm a different girl now

a good girl now

but what he did will always affect me

to my mom and dad

i love you

you tried to help me

but i also feel like you didn't try enough

i am your daughter

WHY THE FUCK DID YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT

you let your embarrassment and disappointment

stop you from talking about the most traumatic thing your daughter ever experienced

i'm thankful for where i am now 

but i've still haven't moved on

maybe i never will

but i won't stop fighting

i'm never giving up for all the girls like me who went through this

- sexual assault 

A/N

* this was truly the most healing this i've ever written. i was very unsure about publishing this but maybe someone out there can read this and realize that they're not so alone. 

i'll never get over what he did but writing this really did help