Black Blood

Chapter 71

He immediately responds by moving his lips against mine. Kissing is something I am now comfortable and familiar with, when it comes to Novak. The first few times I kissed him like a baby girl just learning to stand. Now I'm more confident and don't think about it, usually.

Novak's arms wrap around my waist. Although I no longer think about the kissing itself, I do think about my next steps. If you could look inside my head you would see a chaos of questions without answers. Should I take off his outerwear? Is that too fast? Do I want to do this? Am I doing it right?

The questions run through my head to the point that I don't pay attention to how I move my lips. Nine times out of ten, it feels good to kiss him, I get warm and forget everything around me. This time, I only feel my heartbeat accelerate. I only notice that I have stopped moving my lips until Novak pulls away. Slowly I open my eyes.

'Are you alright,' Novak asks softly. His fingers slide slowly and gently over my cheek. The touch is loving and seems to calm me. I nod with a slight doubt. If I'm completely honest with myself, I'm bloody nervous.

He wants to step back, but I have other plans. I put my arms around his neck and pull him closer to me again. He raises his eyebrows and wraps his arms around my waist again. His eyes shoot over my face. His furrowed brows, searching eyes and somewhat tense muscles tell me that he does not understand my intention.

I ignore his questioning look and press my lips against his again. This time, he does not immediately kiss me back with abandon. His lips move slowly, almost tentatively. His arms hang tense along my waist. It makes me wonder if I am doing something wrong. I do my best to banish the doubts from my mind. I am going to do this, I want to do this, I think.

My hands slide down Novak's neck, through his back to the bottom of his shirt. Through his clothes, I feel his muscles and warm skin against my hands. With Christiaan, I was never the one taking innegatives. I now believe that everything I did with Christiaan is not a good example of how it should be, if I can believe Novak's stories. I don't know how it should be. Novak once told me to follow my feelings, but I can't do that as easily as he made it seem.

As the kiss progresses, Novak's doubts seem to fade. His movements become harder, more lustful. His hands grip my waist tighter as he pulls me closer to him. The doubts in my body, however, do not abate. I don't seem to be able to enjoy the kiss. I'm too preoccupied with what to do or if I'm doing it right.

My hands linger on the bottom of his shirt, which is tucked into his trousers. Should I pull the piece of fabric out of his trousers or should he do that. I am in such doubt that my hands remain motionless at the edge of his trousers. However stupid and insecure this action may be, Novak does not take it lying down. Gently, he gives a squeeze to my waist. That small gesture gives me encouragement. The doubts seem to subside a little and I can better focus on how warm and pleasant his touch is.

The whole time, there has been no deepening of the kiss, no tongue. Something prevents me from taking that step and Novak doesn't take the innegative either. This is enough tension for now. I like the fact that Novak allows me to do this at my pace. I don't get the feeling from him that he wants it faster or in any other way.
My hands touch the bottom of his shirt. For a moment, doubt hits my hands like a hammer.

Is there still a way back if I do this? I take a deep breath against Novak's lips before taking the fabric tighter in my hands and pulling it out of the top of his trousers.

What do I do now? Pull his shirt over his head? You could say I'm thinking way too much. I slowly move my head away from Novak's, look at him. The two shining blue eyes give me an encouraging look. That is the last thing I need to grab his shirt by the bottom again and pull it awkwardly over his head.