Black Blood

-B2- Chapter 57

Celeste

The feeling of touch, someone who loves you, the warmth, and the tingles. It's the sensation that I feel everything but deserve nothing from Novak.

Yet I can't bring myself to have aversion to his warm hands, the absence of eternal pain, and the ability to sleep.

'Why?' His words whisper in the dead silent space. His warm hands caress the subject of his question.

The silence cuts deeper into the room as I attempt to organize my words. The chaos in my head is nothing more than a whirlwind now that the pain has receded. Words whirl in a tornado through my thoughts without end.

'I... I... I don't know,'

'Give it a try.' His hands glide further down my back, slowly undoing the remaining ties.

The chaos persists despite my efforts, with my mouth opening and closing briefly.

'Start from the beginning of the pain,' Novak encourages me as the dress becomes looser around me.

That was the anchor point I needed to lay the whole story on the table. From the moment the first dot appeared on my wrist to the current situation.

His warm hands continue their journey through the dress ties as he listens in silence to every detail. Only his presence is needed.

Once Micca resurfaces in the story, I stop talking, searching for a way to put into words what I've been hiding for months.

The last tie of my dress is undone before the warm hands find their way back over my skin.

Searching for an escape, my eyes dart around everything that distracts me. The truth emerges harshly from its hiding place, my hands gripping the blankets in frustration. With a deep sigh of frustration, the images I had buried shoot past my eyes again, and I bury my head in the pillow.

'Say it.' I pull my head out of the pillow, hit the mattress, and finally begin my story. The words are still unclear to me, but for now, courage is enough.

'After that evening with Walmoet, I couldn't look at you anymore. Every time I saw your face, I saw how you stood against that wall with pain in your eyes, watching what Walmoet did to me without being able to do anything. Every time you touched me, I saw you standing there, every time you looked at me or opened your mouth. Every time, I felt sick from that image and the thought. I didn't know what to do other than to avoid you. The moment Micca appeared, that was my best option. I wasn't in love with him or wanted anything from him; I just wanted to feel something, to be distracted.'

His hands don't stop when I do. Tears well up in my eyes, burning behind my closed lids.

'I kissed him, and I still don't know why. It could have been his magic, my craving for distraction, or some desire. I wanted to tell you, but... I didn't know how.'

His hands on my back continue as he asks, 'And the pain? Why didn't you tell me?'

'I didn't want your pity. I didn't want you to dismiss everything or always be on my case to keep an eye on me.' Novak lets out a sigh before one of his fingers follows the black line down my spine.

'Cel, I've always been keeping an eye on you. Since the first day I met you. I just didn't do it as well as I thought.'

With my hands pressed against the mattress, I finally turn onto my back. Red eyes stare at me full of emotions. Guilt, pain, concern, and even fear are evident.

'I don't want someone watching over me.' Novak wrinkles his nose and rolls his eyes heavenward.

'I'm not watching over you like they did in the castle. I'm watching out for you to help, to lend a hand when needed, to be the shoulder you can lean on. I'm not watching you to push you down a path or to control you.'

Though his words touch me, I shake my head disapprovingly. It's the gesture that affects me, the help I only know from my mother.

'I don't want to depend on someone anymore. I've been dependent on my mother, father, Christiaan, or wherever else someone wanted to take me my whole life. I want to choose for once what I do with my life.'

Red eyes search my soul for something I can't put into words. The hand that was resting on the blanket now reaches for my hand, gripping it.

'Then let me be the one who stands by your side, who helps when you ask and advises. Not to control you or make a choice for you, but because I love you and want to stand by your side.'

Before I realize it, a tear slides down my cheek onto the blanket. My hands squeeze his, and my eyes are locked with his.

'You've never said that before,' I say, referring to the "I love you," with a trembling voice as another tear leaves my eye.

A small smile appears in Novak's watery eyes, his hand squeezing mine harder.

'You're right, but I've meant it for a long time.' The fact that he's never said it before doesn't mean I didn't already know.

Some things don't need to be said to be understood. Yet, the moment they are said, it feels like discovering what you already knew.

Tears flow down my cheeks in a stream. My hands push me into a sitting position, looking into the watery red eyes and the small smile on the slender lips.

'I'm sorry, I'm sorry for everything, I'm sorry for Micca, for the silence, for my behavior, for this life, I'm sorry for...' Before I can continue rambling, Novak presses his lips onto mine without hesitation or announcement.