Fighting For Eachother

lovely by Billie Eilish&Khalid

Anastasia's pov:

I slowly opened my eyes and I cried from the sight I saw

Floor around me was bloody and my parents weren't around. It looks like it's dark out and I sighed

I managed to stood up and turned to the mirror that was- that should be Infront of me but it was broken in pieces

I got into the WC where I can look at myself in the mirror and I was almost all covered in blood. To be honest, nothing extremely new. But still scary.

I somehow managed to get into my room. If you were looking at me walking up stairs you would think I'm drunk or a zombie

I got things to dress after- my pj- and got into my bathroom. I started showering with some tears falling from my face when I looked down, blood rushing

After some time I noticed that now I'm on my knees. I don't know how and when it happened but then I cried for God to take me away. To take me home.

This house isn't home. It stopped being home when I find out that those punishments they did is abuse. It stopped being a home when I started to be afraid of coming back.

So basically, it was never a home. I'm serious never ever.

It was like real hell.

I knew I was never ever happy, even when I was little, but this time it just hit me. I don't remember last and even first time I smiled.

I always had pain and thoughts in myself. I would keep it only for myself.

I don't think anyone deserves that. No actually, nobody deserves that. To be afraid every second in your life or to be abused every day or every night or to have cameras around and inside your room.
I don't think anyone deserves those- those words, 'my parents' are saying to me.

Gross. To even call them my parents. Literally disgusting. How could parent do this to their child? What the fuck did I did? I don't know and I think I would ever know but something deep inside me is telling me that I deserved it.

It's so- so hard to fight over that one though that's saying that I will never escape this.

I want to feel happy and free. Like normal teenager's. I want to be on the party beacuse of friends and beacuse of having fun, not beacuse I want to feel something and get high everytime I go.

I don't want to overdose almost every time I'm on a party. I don't want to be awake in strange house, people telling me I should go home and them asking me to drive me beacuse I am not okay. I don't want to feel depressed all. the fucking. time.

God, just let me live. Just..let me live. I don't even know why I'm asking God this. Maybe beacuse he helped some people. But I stoped believing in him when abuse didn't stoped. When I couldn't got help.

But I also find myself, sometimes, praying to him. And thanking him that I'm the one that is suffering.

Beacuse even of the thought of somebody suffering this badly like me is killing me. I'm praying for all angels that are suffering on this earth and praying for God to stop it. To let them live.

If I can't, please please let them have.
Let them have happiness, let their thoughts go away, let them have their person and everything. They deserved it. I did not.

I let out a breathe I was holding inside myself I didn't even know and stood up, walking to my closet.

Searching, searching and jackpot.

Little little tiny box I had, that they can't and won't find. I opened it and got everything out of it and put it in my pocket.

Cigarettes, lighter, blade and small package of weed. I looked at the blade and put it back.

I won't call myself clean, beacuse hellooo I'm smoking and doing drugs, but I'm free from self harm for one or two weeks now.

I'm happy bout it. Sometimes. Sometimes.

I put everything in place and got out of my room. I walked downstairs, knowing that they are peacefully sleeping. Fuckers.

They are sleeping without stress and then there's me that can barely sleep two hours. Even less than that.

I got out of the house, not caring for locking up the doors and got to doors that were closing me. Doors of this yard. I got out of the yard when I put the pin in.

Not knowing where I'm going, but I'm going away from this.

I laughed and cringed at myself. Walking away from her problems, fucking Anastasia ladies and gentlemen's.

I fastly pull op my cigarette and inhaled it. Oh God I missed it.

I started walking down the street in search to see some dealers beacuse I'm slowly running out of drugs.

This is so fucking messed up and I'm very sorry about it. I want to change it but next chapter is going on with this one, so I need to leave it this way.

It's horrible I know. Keep reading my book tho 😭🖤! What do you think so far?? Please tell me!