Beautiful Boy

maybe

nicolas sheff

28 days in rehab.

28 days of going insane.

28 days of hating everything.

More like 20 years of hating everything.

No. No, 2 years of hating everything.

2 years since I made the biggest mistake of my life.

2 years since I'd seen her.

2 years since we'd shared words and secrets and drawings and books and music and couches and life.

2 very long years.

I had 21 days sober, and 7 days to go.

And I was certain I wanted to continue.

I wanted to stay at the Half-way House, and get help finding a job, and stay sober.

But not really.

Deep deep down, buried by my soul, was nothing more than a craving.

For drugs, alchohol, anything.

Anything to make me feel better.

To make the feeling of guilt and regret numb.

To forget.

Forget about the mistakes.

Or rather to forget about one mistake.

The biggest mistake I ever made.

I wasn't even sure why I cut her off.

Maybe I was scared.

Scared of my feelings.

Scared of what would happen if I kept her friendship.

Scared that I'd only fall more and more in love with her, just to see her with someone else.

Maybe he'd be better than me.

Maybe he wouldn't be an addict.

Maybe he'd be more attractive.

Maybe he'd have a better personality.

Maybe she'd love him the way I wished she would love me.

It was all just a dream, a life I'd created inside of my head.

I ran a hand through my hair, pacing the end of my bed.

I wondered how she was.

Maybe she did find someone.

Someone who didn't like drugs.

Someone with better hair and better eyes and better style and better taste and better everything.

Maybe she didn't.

Maybe she was still the beautiful and clingy girl I remembered.

Or maybe she found someone who changed her.

Maybe she doesn't even remember me.

Maybe I'd speak to her and she'd treat me like we never had the friendship we had.

I cursed under my breath, sitting down on the end of my bed and tugging at my hair.

Why wouldn't she leave my mind.

I imagined a door for her to walk out and leave forever, but she wouldn't.

She remained in her spot in my mind.

And it didn't look like she was ever planning on leaving.

Maybe she would if she knew how much pain it caused me.

Maybe-

"Nicolas, your parents are here."

I looked up to see one of the employees stood in my doorway.

Parents.

Yay.

I walked down to a small meeting room with her, my dad stood up and hugged me immediately.

I put on my best fake smile and pretended I wasn't stuck in this all-consuming regret.

I told him how I was interested in the Half-way House and how I decided I wouldn't go to college.

That I wanted independence.

He was a little disappointed, but that was nothing new.

But he was also proud.

Proud that I had 21 days clean.

Not for long.

Is what I couldn't say.

I wouldn't.

I wouldn't disappoint him again.

I didn't want to.

All I wanted was to apologise to Amara, but I knew that chance was long gone.

So what was the point in staying sober if I couldn't be with her?