Beautiful Boy

honestly, no

amara haven

I sat outside of the diner, staring at the ongoing traffic.

I couldn't bring myself to go inside.

Knowing that he was on the other side of that door gave me a billion new feelings.

I felt like a lost puppy, unsure what to do.

Would going in be worth it?

Or would he still have hard feelings?

He was the one that hurt me.

So if anything, I was allowed to be mad at him, but he had no right to be mad at me.

I took a deep breath and stood up.

I placed my hand over the handle and stood for a moment.

Another deep breath.

And I opened the door.

There was a slight bell as I entered.

A lady turned from behind the counter and smiled, "Hello."

"Hi," I replied.

There he was.

Less than five feet from me.

His head was resting on the counter in his arms, wearing a baggy white t-shirt and joggers.

Fuck.

I slowly approached the stool next to him.

I simply sat down, not saying anything.

He looked up and paused a moment.

I couldn't say I didn't do the same.

We held eye contact for a few seconds.

"Hi," I whispered.

"Hi," he replied.

He looked tired like he'd been repeatedly beaten down by the world and didn't have the strength to care.

"I'm sorry," his voice cracked.

"Yeah," I let out a soft chuckle, "You should be."

He smiled weakly, "I missed you."

I put my arm around him and he rested his head on my shoulder.

I laid my head on his and mussed his curls, "Yeah, I missed you too."

"Are you okay?" He asked.

"Honestly, no," I sighed, "Are you?"

"Not even close," he shook his head with a quiet laugh.

I smiled.

"Do you wanna get a drink?" He queried.

"Can't. I have 20 days sober," I replied.

"Really? That's great," he sat up to look at me.

I nodded, "Yeah, it really is."

"God, I feel like I haven't seen you in forever," he muttered.

"You haven't," I teased.

"That's true, I guess. Fuck, I'm an idiot," he shook his head, "How's your family?"

"Falling apart," I took a shaky breath for what felt like the millionth time.

"Wanna talk about it?" He asked.

I sighed, "Well, for starters, my Dad died, and then tonight I found out that my Mum was cheating on him with some dick called Rick- what?" I noticed him smirking to himself.

"Just that dick and Rick rhymed," he suppressed a giggle.

I hit his arm, "You're so fucking childish, god."

"Sorry, sorry," he rubbed his arm where I hit him, "Go on."

"And I don't know, I guess everything is just so fucking weird for me right now," I shrugged, "I mean, I can't believe I didn't know my Dad was an addict, or that that son of a bitch- sorry Nana- Lillian cheated on him when all he did was love her. And that you're here, alive, sitting with me in some diner in New York City close to four in the morning."

He laughed, "That is pretty fucking weird isn't it?"

I nodded.

"So," he paused, "If you don't wanna talk about it that's fine but- your Dad was an addict? And your Mum-"

"Let's order something, 'cause it's a long fucking story and we'll be here a while," I said.

He nodded with a smile, "Sure."

"Could I get you two anything?" A waitress asked us, as if on cue.

We ordered bagels and coffee and filled each other in on everything we'd missed.

I was telling him about the kids from the poetry club when my phone rang.

"Hey, Kailee," I answered.

"Hey, Mara, I was just calling to check you're okay since you never showed," she said.

"Oh, yeah, I'm fine, thank you," I replied.

"Oh, okay, great," she quipped, "Well, I've got to go, but maybe I'll see you before your back to San Fran?"

"Oh, yeah, definitely," I nodded, even though she couldn't see, "Bye."

"Bye!"

I hung up and it was then that I saw a few messages from Lillian and David.

"Your cousin still lives here?" Nic asked as I checked the messages.

"Yeah, but she's in a new apartment," I replied, "Why?"

"Nothing," he brushed off, "It just would've been much cheaper to bug her into letting me crash there than at the Uni."

I laughed, "Yeah, right, she wouldn't recognise you."

"Valid point," he agreed, "Why don't we test it?"

"Test what?"

"See if she remembers me. We can visit her before we try to catch a flight to San Fran," he offered.

"Are you sure? I mean, we should probably get you checked to make sure you're not going to die or some shit," I muttered, putting my phone away.

"Nah, nah, I'm good," he stood up from his stool and nearly fell over, using the chair to balance.

I watched him with an ominous glare.

He smiled sheepishly, "See? All good."

I rolled my eyes and slid $25 onto the counter.

The waitress grabbed it and thanked me.

"If you fall, I'm not helping you," I warned.

Nic laughed and put an arm around my shoulder, "You won't have to, you'll be on the ground with me."

I felt like I had a piece of me back.

Like the empty abyss that I'd been using alcohol to cure had magically been filled.

I put my arm around his back and rested my head on his shoulder as we left the diner and caught a cab to my cousin's apartment.

Maybe everything would be okay.

As long as he was okay, I was okay.

I knew that now, he was what I was missing.

And he'd be a much better solution than alcohol.