(Ten Years) ~ Elizabeth Olsen

36 ~ Muffins

Y/N POV

I lay awake for a while after Lizzie fell asleep, thinking about the next day. I've lived through so much change in the past month or so.

I saw my college girlfriend for the first time in nine years, then my brother died, I gained custody over two children, to then decide I probably am not fit to take care of them and now I'm exploring a relationship with that college girlfriend while thinking about not being Mia and Aiden's caregiver.

It's been a lot and I can't stop my mind from racing. I'm thankful that Lizzie came back into my life at the time she did...I'm not sure what would have happened if she didn't. Initially it was confusing and frustrating but now...I don't think I would have made it here without her.

I don't think I would have made it here if I had never met her in college either.

It's interesting how there are certain people that change the trajectory of your life without you even realizing. Lizzie, Pam, even Harry. My brother. My sister. Their children.

Even my mom, with her weird way of showing she loved me. Looking back at my childhood, I can understand that the way she treated me was out of fear for the harm that could come to me. In my adult life, I was able to forgive her in some sense, for denying who I was.

In the moments I had with her before the entire world went up into flames, we had a few great conversations. She explained to me that everything she did or said was not meant to make me feel ashamed, or to make me feel like she did not support me. It took her some time to realize that her fear for my safety wasn't justification for how she treated me.

We were building a relationship I wanted my entire life. But, a pandemic had to ruin that before it could go anywhere. She was taken from me before I had the chance to show her everything I've done that she could be proud of.

Despite the fucked up things she did or said, I can believe what she told me in recent years. That it was to protect me or it was out of fear for my life. She showed me that when she protected me against Jessica, despite me being in a relationship with a girl. She showed me that when she called me, the day of the Pulse shooting just to check in on me.

Our relationship was complicated...but I didn't even get a chance to uncomplicate it.

I don't think I've let myself think about how much I miss her.

I don't think I've let myself truly miss my brother either.

"Bug?" I hear her voice, whispering gently to not startle me.

I clear my throat before answering. "Yes, sleepyhead?" I respond.

"Why are you awake?" She asks, shifting to look at me, propping herself up on her elbow.

"Just thinking." I respond, finding comfort in her eyes.

"About what?" She asks gently, tracing over my eyebrow with her fingertip.

"Life...family...people." I summarize vaguely. We watch each other for a few moments as she thinks of her response, her lips disappearing into her mouth to showcase her adorable dimple.

"You miss your brother?" She asks, her voice somehow softer than before as she reads me like a book.

"I do." I confirm as she wipes my cheek gently and I realize I was crying.

"What can I do?" She continues before leaning forward to leave a feather-like kiss on my cheekbone.

"You're already doing it." I assure her and she hums in thought.

"How are you feeling about tomorrow?" She asks and I pause my lips in thought.

"Conflicted. I know that it's what's best for them, for me right now. But, I think a part of me still feels guilty for not making good on my promise to my brother." I explain and she nods.