semi automatic

thirteen

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never in her wildest dreams– nightmares might be a better word. either way, never in her wildest dreams, would she have thought her life would have taken this turn. these series of unfortunate events feel like they are never-ending, trapping her in this constant state of 'what if.' it had been an hour since the entire fiasco between her, tyler, and awsten– who is now her ex. she had never felt such humiliation, so utterly embarrassed in her life. even feeling that way, she didn't regret what she did. maybe it was fucked up, well no it is fucked up. but her heart and her body didn't think so.

she sat there, her eyes red and slightly puffy. all she wanted to do was call awsten and apologize and beg him to take her back, but she knew she couldn't, cause that small part of her still wanted tyler. she groaned as she threw herself into her pillows, in a sick way she liked how her bed still smelled like him. she covered her eyes as tears threatened to spill out. she curled into her side, fetus position as she continued to cry.

her shoulders shook, and her chest heaved.

"knock, knock," she heard at her door. "hey, whoa, what happened?" robert swiftly walked to her side of the bed, his hand going to rub small circles on her back.

she sat up and looked at him. robert's face dropped, his heart instantly breaking seeing his best friend be in such pain.

"do you wanna talk about it?" he asked, already knowing the answer. when she shook her head, all he could do was nod and pull her close. his arms wrapped around her shoulder as her head fell onto his chest.

the two had spent many nights like this before. just needing the comfort of someone next to them. not needing it to be romantic, just needing the warmth of one another. robert remembers the first night he walked in on her crying. it was early in their friendship, she had just moved in with him for college. he had put an ad-type post on his social media and phoebe saw it and told her to check it out, but not to get murdered.

anyway, he had come home from a class and heard her crying from the hallway. she wasn't crying loud, nor was she fully sobbing. she just had small hiccups and sniffles. but in the dead silence of their apartment, it was all you could hear. he remembers instantly feeling worried. he walked to her door, closing his hand into a fist and knocking lightly as he opened the door. when he saw her all he could do was hug her, even if he didn't know her all that well yet. it didn't matter to either of them, they both needed it, and both needed to feel like someone cared for them. ever since that night, robert had kept a close eye on her, taking care of her when she needed it, protecting her whenever he was able.

she was never one to come right out and tell him her problem, but she didn't need to, and he doesn't pry it out of her. unless it's a dire situation, which hasn't happened to them yet, thank god. robert didn't mind, however, just as long as he could help her in some way that's all that mattered to him.

—

"im going insane," he cried out. he sat in the corner of the couch, his friend standing in front of him with concern written all over his face. "i don't know what to do josh."

josh shook his head, shrugging his shoulders. "i don't know, man. i've never been in that kinda situation, it's .. complex."

tyler rolled his eyes, they were red and felt swore from how many time he wiped them with the hem of his sweater. he had finally told josh about y/n, and how he felt like he lost her. ever since that night— two days ago— he hasn't been doing well. tyler thought, that was gonna be the night, the night where he tears down all the walls he built, that she's built. but, turns out that wasn't happening.

the night when he got back home he locked himself in his room. placing his headphones over his ears, he sat at his desk. not playing keyboard, writing, drawing— he just sat there, staring out the window. for a while it was emotionless, a blank stare, one that any bypass would be freaked out by. his eyes were practically stuck halfway open, drooping so heavily he was surprised he was still awake. it's not that he felt tired from lack of sleep, but rather mentally tired. he had thought, when he didn't talk to her for days possibly even weeks— before he kissed her. he thought, that he was mentally drained, feeling used almost. but, nothing felt as bad as this.

it wasn't until the next day, when he woke up. not remembering when he fell asleep or even making it to his bed. he just sat up, and the tears filled his eyes. they were streaming down his face like a waterfall. he had never cried like that before, and he never wanted to again. his throat started to burn a little as the lump in the back of his throat continued get bigger and harder to swallow. he felt his face, how hot and sticky it felt, he hated it. he couldn't stop crying, it seemed like, that was all he could do. his mind had just suddenly been wired differently in his sleep.

he hated it.

he hated the way his mouth curled into a frown while his lips felt swollen. he hated that his eyes creased so severely while he tried to stop his cries. he hated the way his chest heaved. he hated the sound of sobs, how the phlegm in his chest caused wheezing. hated how his sobs didn't even sound like sobs, he sounded like he was choking.

he hated it.

he hated how much his life had been affected by her. his bottom lip quivered as he put his headphones back on. it blasted in his ear yet he couldn't make out what song it was. he couldn't understand the words, it sounded like pure gibberish. in a rage he pulled them off his head and threw them to the corner of his room.

"josh, i know..." he said but started to trail off. for only the second time in his life, he was at a loss for words. "all i want is her. it's like my body can't function without her— and i barely know her! i've been keeping an eye on her for about two months now, and it's like.. i don't know."

he put his head in his hands, feeling the pity from his best friend. it was seeping out of his pores and onto to tyler, he hated it.

with his head still hung low, he started to speak again, "it's like she tore open my chest and stole my heart, when i first saw her. but, after i left her place that night, it feels like she buckled up her heart in the backseat for me to drive away with." he barely spoke above a whisper, and he wasn't sure if josh was going to understand what he meant but it didn't matter. he just needed to something, anything.

tyler abruptly stood up, startling the boy across from him. he grabbed the keys and ran down to the car. ignoring josh's voice who was calling after him. he started the engine and sped off, not knowing where he was going, not caring either.

after about twenty minutes, he pulled off to the side of the road. he jumped out and ran into the trees that surrounded the highway. once he felt like he was far enough, he stopped and screamed. he let out all the anger, sadness, and hatred that had been pent up in him. he needed that small moment of clarity, that he was still alive. and falling to his knees and feeling the dirt and twigs below him was enough to convince him. the sound of his own scream piercing his ears was enough to convince him.

being terrified of love was enough to convince him.

.