semi automatic

twenty

˗ˏˋ ★ 'ˎ˗

she lied there on her back. the sound of the pouring rain filling her head, her lips still burning from the kiss he had left her with. she sat there as she looked at her ceiling, looking at every crack, every chip of paint. she could make out the two glow in the dark stars that had since lost their glow. the jelly like material now cemented to the ceiling, no matter how hard she had scrubbed at it over the years.

her mind kept walking back to tyler. the phone call he had, the hushed frantic tone, the urgency in which he left. the burning white kiss he gave her. she could only think of where he was going, what he was doing. he never told her and/or even thought of telling her that he was done with 'job'.

but he was.

her stomach churned at every thought that seemed to plague her thoughts. she didn't want to see him hurt. she didn't want him to do something where she couldn't trust him again, where she would never see him again.

she couldn't believe that she had let someone get so close to her from such a distance. her mind constantly running circles around the thought of tyler. the months since they met, since that disgraceful evening in that ridiculous drug store. her stomach pains, her heaving. his brown eyes honeyed with malice as he lifted the ski mask from covering his face. he watched as the tears dripped down from her eyes. completely infatuated with the redness of her cheeks and the way her lashes clumped with tears.

maybe he's sadistic, a masochist by proxy. but she could learn to love him. love him for his flaws, his past, his present, his future. let him show her how much of a good person he could be given the chance. she could sense it was there, somewhere buried underneath the years of crime and guilt and hatred for the people who walk among them.

she sighed as her hands came up to run down her face. pulling at her eyes, her cheeks and lips. dragging them down in a way her mother would frown upon– claiming she would get wrinkles by the time she's twenty-five. too late for that, now isn't it. her fingers grazed down her neck and fall limp to the side of her frame.

pulling herself up and out of bed. she looked towards the hallway, she could hear robert watching tv. she could hear alf drinking water loudly– almost as if he was doing it through a megaphone. she squeezed her eyes shut and walked into the hall. feeling as if she was watching herself from behind. an out of body experience she couldn't comprehend. her feet seemed to drag across the carpeted flooring, her socks somewhat snagging with every step.

she felt sick, as if some appending doom was nearing. she groaned but it only came out as a whisper. she walked to the bathroom, falling to her knees– rather roughly. she peeled the toilet lid up, and spewed her feelings into the bowl. it wouldn't stop, she hated it. she sniffled, and a shiver of disgust and remorse coursed through her veins and down her spine. she whined as she sat back on her knees.

why can't i stop, she thought.

her coughing, her hacking, her heaving caught robert's attention. he came in, his glasses slipping down his nose. they fell to the floor with a clink. it made her wince. she was unsure how she even heard over the sound of her own puking.

"oh god," robert muttered. he stepped forward, the unmistakable sound of plastic and glass crunching beneath his feet. he looked down and saw his glasses broken. "shit. y/n, you okay?" he whispered as he stepped over the glass, kneeling beside her. he quickly scooped her hair and made a makeshift ponytail. holding her hair back as she threw up.