Tolerate It || l.s ✓

Chapter 30

comments would be greatly appreciated

Harry lay on his side in his bed with his covers up to his chin. He had a blanket bundled around him, and his knees were drawn up to his chest.

"There you go." Louis placed a cup of tea on Harry's bedside table.

"You don't have to stay, Lou." Harry muttered. "I'll be fine."

"I'd rather stay." Louis admitted.

"I need to be alone for a bit." Harry said, burying himself further into the comfort of his bed.

"I don't...I don't wanna leave you like this Harry." Louis shook his head. Harry wrapped his arms around himself.

"I'm not going to fucking kill myself." Harry said through gritted teeth. "Jesus, it's just a few little cuts." He rubbed a hand over his eyes.

"Can I get in?" Louis motioned to the bed softly. Harry gave a singular nod and Louis climbed in next to him.

"I'm sorry. I appreciate you being here." He whispered.

"Come here." Louis slid down the bed so that he was lying down. Harry shuffled closer, laying his head on Louis's chest.

"Fucking school emailed me, you know? They said they could offer me counselling as if I hadn't already tried that. I can't go back there, it's fucking embarrassing. I've had so many emails from people we work with and even from some students."

"That shows how many people care." Louis said softly, tangling his hand in Harry's hair.

"But I don't want them to care." He whispered, "it's not their place. They shouldn't know. They didn't care about me before so I don't want them to now. I hate sympathy like that. I don't understand why that sympathy can't come from my fucking mum. She just calls me pathetic and tells me to kill myself. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

"Darling, you have nothing to apologise for. You're entitled to all of your thoughts."

Harry cuddled closer, nestling his head against Louis. It wasn't long before Louis began to feel tears soak through his shirt and onto his chest, and Louis returned his hand to Harry's hair. They stayed in silence, with Louis tracing figures-of-eights against Harry's scalp, and Harry splaying his hand out across Louis's ribs.

//

Louis woke up the next morning with Harry tucked snugly into his side. His eyes were open and he was staring ahead of him, his face void of emotion.

"Morning, H." Louis said.

"Morning." Harry replied, making no move to readjust.

"How long have you been awake?"

"I don't know. Sorry, was too comfortable to move."

"It's okay. I'm comfortable too." Louis rubbed his thumb over Harry's arm. "How are you feeling?"

Harry exhaled deeply, shaking his head. "Like the fucking tides are turning within my stomach."

"Can I do anything to help you?" Louis sighed.

"Unfortunately not. I've just got to get a grip. I'm sorry, it's not as big a deal as I made it out to be yesterday." He shrugged.

"Don't try to act like this is nothing." Louis frowned.

Harry went silent and Louis looked down to him. His eyebrows were knitted together and his eyes were hooded.

"There's nothing I can do. There's no point dwelling on it. I can do that in my own time. I've just got to get on, don't I?"

"Do you feel comfortable returning to work then?" Louis tilted his head.

"No, but I never will." Harry sighed, "people know now. I can't fucking escape it, try as I might. I just, I'm gonna have to deal with the remarks and shit and just keep going."

"You're so fucking brave, Harry." Louis pressed a gentle kiss to Harry's head.

Harry shrugged yet again, but tightened his grip around Louis as if to thank him.

"I've got to be if I want to go on the France trip, don't I?" He gave a small, sad laugh. "Fancy a smoke?"

"You sure you want to? You didn't seem too happy about smoking yesterday."

"Fuck it." He shrugged, "it is what it is. I just, I need a smoke."

"Come on then." Louis started to move slightly.

Harry sat up, staying still for a moment before swinging his legs off of the bed. "Smoke, then shower I think. Um, you're completely welcome to help yourself to any drinks or food. Actually, that's for everytime you come over."

Louis smiled gratefully, "thanks love." He rubbed his back.

Harry shuffled to his wardrobe, reaching into the back of it and grabbing the cigarettes.

//

"Did you always want to be a teacher?" Harry asked, tilting his head.

"I did, yeah. Ever since I was a kid. I always dreamed of being able to teach my own class, though I think part of the appeal may have been that I wouldn't get quite as told off for not following the rules. I was quite the little rebel."

Harry laughed a little, releasing a puff of air. "I can imagine that. I feel like little Louis would be a right nightmare."

"Oi, watch it, you." Louis wagged a finger at Harry with a playful grin, "how about you? What did you want to do?"

"I wanted to be a florist." Harry grinned, flushing red in embarrassment. "Well, first of all I wanted to be an ice cream man, and then a florist."

"Awe, that's cute." Louis reached over, pinching one of Harry's cheeks. "How come?"

"Well, whenever the ice cream van appeared it made me the happiest ever, so I wanted to be magical like that." Harry shrugged, "and then when I realised how much I loved pretty things I wanted to open a florists, and make people happy in the same way as an ice cream man would." A small smile spread across his face and he laughed softly, shaking his head.

Louis bit back his own grin as he saw Harry smile.

"Fucking adorable." Louis nudged Harry, allowing himself to smile properly. "What did baby Harry look like?"

"I was cute." Harry shrugged awkwardly, "pink chubby cheeks, big eyes, long dark eyelashes and a right old head of curls. How about baby Louis?"

Louis held out a finger, silently telling him to hold on whilst he scrolled through his phone. He quickly found what he was looking for, holding out a picture to Harry.

Harry covered his mouth, his eyes wide in adoration. "Baby fever." He muttered.

Louis snorted, placing his phone back in his pocket. "You want children then?"

"Yeah, but it won't happen." Harry sighed softly. "Do you?"

"Yeah, I do." Louis nodded, deciding not to question Harry. He wanted him to remain smiley.

I had a rant here but then I deleted it because I felt less ranty after I published it