Tolerate It || l.s ✓

Chapter 33

Louis placed a cup of tea on the bedside table, next to Harry.

Harry had refused to stay overnight in the hospital, and so Louis had taken him back to his house.

"I'm sorry." Harry murmured, looking up at Louis. His eyes were wide and glazed over - filled with guilt.

"You don't have to apologise to me. For anything." Louis shook his head immediately with a frown.

"I'm sorry I put you through that. I'm sorry I said I hated you."

"No, stop it. I don't want you feeling guilty." Louis climbed under the covers next to Harry.

"I burden people everytime I try. This is why I try to stay away from people." He shook his head, looking down. "I'm sorry."

"Stop apologising, please. I don't want you to feel awful." Louis frowned, shuffling towards Harry. "Is there anything I can do to help you?"

"Not really." Harry closed the gap between them, leaning against Louis. He clasped his hands together, playing with the rings on his fingers. He felt shaky and spacy and not at all present. "I'm sorry that I'm acting like this about it. I don't- I don't know how I'm supposed to act. People have only cared twice, and back then I was too distraught to think straight. The rest of the time I just went on like nothing had happened. I don't know how I'm supposed to act when you're here."

"You don't have to overthink it, H. I'm here for you for anything you need, okay? You can cry to me or talk to me or just cuddle me, yeah? I just want to be there for you for everything. Everything."

"C-can I talk to you now maybe?" Harry whispered. "I don't like talking to people usually...but it helps when it's you."

"Of course you can." Louis nodded immediately, "of course."

"Where should I start?" Harry asked quietly, looking to Louis as if he already had all the answers.

"That's up to you H."

"Um, well, I first attempted when I was 13. I stood over the edge of a bridge and tried to jump but a stranger pulled me back. He took me home and told my mum what had happened and she didn't give a shit. She just said I'd done it for attention. I tried another 4 times before I turned 16." Harry's hand ventured to his face and he shut his eyes, pulling at his skin. "When I met Zayn at college things got better and I had a few months where I didn't even consider dying but then I got worse again."

Louis's grip around Harry got a little tighter. Maybe not noticeably, but Louis was almost afraid to let go in case of Harry falling apart.

"I tried less frequently after I had Zayn as my friend but I've still tried 6 or 7 times since I was 17 I think."

"Darling..." Louis murmured, a whisper drowned out by the beating of his heart.

"It's never fucking worked and it keeps getting more and more embarrassing. And I know you probably don't understand why I keep trying but everyday just feels so fucking awful and it drags on and the weight of being alive is getting to be too much for me to carry. After everyone found out about my...um, self harm it got too much. I began to feel like I was trapped inside a fishtank again. That on top of everything else tipped me over the edge."

"Was there anything I could've done to help?" Louis asked in a small voice.

"No." Harry shook his head, "no. Everything you could've done, you did."

"So how do I keep you safe?"

"You can't. That's not your job." Harry shook his head.

"There must be something I can do."

"There's not Louis." Harry shook his head. "I appreciate it, but there's not. It's fucking stupid but you can't do anything more than you're doing to help me."

"Did anyone ever try to help you Harry?" Louis asked, "other than Zayn?"

Harry shook his head. "Not really. My mum didn't really give a shit. I only went into hospital once or twice when I was still under her care so nothing happened. She pretended to care until we got home and then she shouted at me. Gemma tried to help, but she didn't really know what to do. It's not her fault, it's a difficult position to be in. I'm sorry I've put you in this position."

"Hey, don't you dare apologise again. I don't want you to focus on anyone but yourself."

"I prefer to worry about others." Harry shrugged, "puts the pressure off of me."

"I know you prefer to, love. I can tell." Louis ran a hand through Harry's hair.

"Thank you for being with me." Harry nuzzled against him.

"I'll always be with you." Louis said gently.

"I'll stay until we go to France." Harry said. "I'm-I'm actually looking forward to that and I can't try again yet. I'll just look fucking desperate."

"Hopefully by then you'll want to stay forever." Louis added quietly, feeling a twang in his heart at the idea of Harry not being there.

"Wishful thinking." Harry gave a small laugh and Louis looked to him wistfully. "Do you mind if I go to sleep?"

"Of course not. Want me to stay?"

"Yes please."

"Okay." Louis leaned over to switch off his bedside lamp, the room falling into darkness. He settled back next to Harry, and the pair held eachother close.