Things We Said Today

Chapter Sixteen

I closed my eyes as our Uber sped down 14th Street on its way toward Bottom of the Hill. Nora had, for lack of a better term, forcibly dragged me out of the house. I didn't have any intention of joining everyone at the Back Talk show that night, but Nora had made it her mission to get me to reengage with the outside world. And she had won the fight, as usual.

"Is Jason coming to the show?" Nora asked Evie as I felt her lean forward so she could peer around me.

"He's meeting us there once he gets off work."

"Oh, that's great! Eli is really excited for him to hear the band live."

I faded out of their conversation; my eyes still closed as the same series of images that had been flashing through my mind all week continued on their rampage of absolutely destroying me. A new vision accompanied them now— Jude's face as he stared down at me expectedly in the train the day prior. Each time it popped up in my head, I felt a deep sense of guilt bubble up in my gut. I would try to cast the feeling aside by reminding myself that Jude was the last person I should feel guilt toward... but involuntary reactions are impossible to control, unfortunately.

"Are you alright, Lucy?" Nora's voice pulled me back to reality as I let my eyes flutter open.

"I'm fine." I replied reflexively. I shot her a manufactured smile and she matched it before she reached over to gently pat my shoulder.

"It'll be good for you to get out. You've been cooped up in that room all week."

I nodded vacantly as I stared forward, out the windshield, as the driver turned onto 17th Street.

We pulled up to a stop in front of Bottom of the Hill and shuffled our way out of the backseat. I didn't know if Jude was inside. I didn't know if he was there at all... Nora and Evie tended to leave him out of the conversation when they were trying to get me to go somewhere.

I found myself, for the thousandth time that week, torn between desperately wanting to see him and hoping to never see him again. The truth, I found, though I didn't want to admit it to myself, was that the only reason I didn't want to see him was because I knew what my reaction would be. I was still working to suppress... or perhaps deny those compulsory responses to his presence... with no luck so far.

We gave the bouncer our names, then ordered a trio of shitty vodka sodas at the bar. I wondered idly if anyone had ever complained about the drinks at Bottom of the Hill, or if we all just silently accepted them with blind compliance.

I tried to glance around the room in a relatively inconspicuous manner... but I couldn't see Jude anywhere in the scattered crowd. That didn't mean he wasn't there, it was possible he was backstage with Eli, either chatting before the show, or preparing to stand in as their guitarist for the evening. Still, as my search came up empty, I felt my stomach drop with disappointment.

"I texted Sophia about the show, but I think she's still avoiding Jude." Nora said as we claimed our spot in front of the stage.

"I don't blame her." Evie shrugged. "It was really rude that he ditched her right before midnight. Where did he even go? Did he just hide in the bathroom?"

"Probably." Nora scoffed. "I tried to get Eli to talk to him about it, but apparently he just blew him off."

I felt my gut twist with nerves at their assumption. What would they think... what would they say if they knew the truth? I couldn't even imagine...

"Poor Sophia." Nora shook her head before she turned toward me. "I'm surprised you of all people don't have anything to say about the situation, Lucy."