All Of Us Are Ghosts Here (Jegulus / Wolfstar Fic)

Fifteen ~ The Dark Side Of The Moon

Remus~

TW: Panic attack, Implied homophobia, Really negative self-talk ((lmk if I missed something))

Remus Lupin wasn't the type of person to hold grudges, but he was definitely looking forward to pranking the Slytherins after game night. Six years as the undefeated Monopoly champion, gone.

Other than his devastating loss, Remus had enjoyed himself.

That's not to say he wasn't feeling the effects of the moon. Remus felt like a burning trash bin, but he'd almost gotten used to the sickness after all those years. It had become easier to ignore. Most of the time, at least.

Vertigo hit him like a brick as he walked up the steps to the dorm and he froze, closing his eyes as he gripped the banister.

"You alright, Moons?" Sirius asked from behind him.

He wasn't alright, of course he wasn't. But he couldn't tell him that, not right now. Not after the night before, and the strange way he'd been watching Remus all day. Not after he snuck off at dawn to fuck knows where and didn't come back till breakfast.

He just couldn't talk to him, not after everything. Not without breaking his own heart.

So he nodded and pushed himself up the steps, fighting the black spots and the slightly weightless feeling in his head. And Sirius, trusting and sweet as he was, believed him without a second thought.

...

It was truly a wonder that Remus hadn't passed out on the stairs. He knew just how close he'd been, how desperately he had needed to sit down, but he pushed on anyway. It worked out, that time. Often though, it didn't.

Most people thought that being a monster meant power. Even if nobody would ever love you, at least you'd always be able to protect yourself. You'd never be vulnerable.

The truth was far messier. Because while, yes, for one night a month Remus had all that power, all that strength, most of the time he was just a boy. Just a sick boy who struggled to pull himself out of bed on even the best of days.

He didn't think he would mind the whole "terrifying monster" thing so much if it weren't for all the sickness. He could handle the crippling loneliness, he could even manage turning into a bloodthirsty beast. But his condition, as his professors liked to call it, didn't just take one day of his month. It was as bloodthirsty as the wolf it turned him into, and it demanded every night, every moment of his life.

See, the moons also made it hard for Remus to sleep, so he had plenty of time to ponder his own existence. Sometimes good things, but more often he explored the dark holes in his soul that his friends never seemed to notice.

None of them called him a monster, and he didn't think they thought that of him. But it was only because he'd sheltered them from the worst of it all these years. Sure, they knew that the moon made him extra moody. But they didn't know just how angry he would get, or how sad. They didn't know that sometimes he felt as if the whole world was buzzing, reaching out to grab him and drag him back to hell where he belonged.

None of them really knew him.

The world was a lonely place for people like Remus. He was, truly, a clusterfuck of issues. There was the big one, the monster that lurked just under his skin. But there was also the part he didn't talk about, not to anybody. It was the part of him that always knew how close Sirius was to him, the part that replayed every moment he spent with the boy over and over when he closed his eyes to sleep.

That was the part of him that would get him killed. His father knew he was a monster, and had almost come to grips with it. It hadn't stopped the snide comments and the looks of fear, but he was getting there. As fucked as it was, being a werewolf was not the worst thing that Remus could be. To his father, being gay was infinitely worse.

Remus' thoughts were put on pause when James stuck his head through the curtains of his bed.

"Can I come in?" he whispered, and Remus nodded.

After casting a silencing spell and settling himself cross-legged at the end of Remus' bed, James sighed.

"What's going on, Moony? You've seemed... I don't know, off since we got back."

Remus realized, then, how stupid he'd been. Because his friends did love him, they did know him. And honestly, Remus just didn't know how to make his brain shut up.

And so, with nothing he could possibly think to say, to explain, Remus burst into tears.

((Wow I am... not in a great place right now. Can ya tell?

I wish Rem would love himself like we love him XD He'll get there eventually, I promise. Just... not for a while.

ALSO: good news, I've thought of an ending to the story that is (mostly) happy, so YAY!

We've got a lot of angst before that tho, cause it's the marauders and OF COURSE there's angst.

That's all for now, toodles!))