All Of Us Are Ghosts Here (Jegulus / Wolfstar Fic)

Ten ~ The Gryffindor Table

Regulus~

TW: Panic Attack, Negative Self-Talk

I can't do this anymore, James had said.

I can't watch them kill you.

You tell them, or I will.

He'd always been a savior. From the beginning, Regulus knew that. Regulus also knew that James meant what he said. Then, and now.

I'm not sorry.

I'm not sorry for loving you.

James Potter loved him.

Regulus Black was many things, and a liar was one of them. It's what he had to do to survive. So he pushed down his feelings, pushed down the words that tried to crawl up his throat.

He said you shouldn't be here when he meant I was hoping you'd come.

I ruined my life for you instead of I would probably be dead if it weren't for you.

Most importantly, I was fine before you came along when what he really meant was I love you, I love you so much I could hardly breathe when you left. I'm sorry for pushing you away. Come back to me.

So, Regulus Black was a liar. This was old news. Regulus Black was skilled in the art of self-sabotage. Again, a well-known fact. Regulus Black destroyed every good thing in his life. Regulus Black was a monster. Regulus was a Black, through and through. Regulus Arcturus Black was not enough. He never would be.

When he left the kitchen that night, he only barely managed to make it to his dorm before falling apart. He was in a single room, so he didn't have to worry about Barty or Evan, or Merlin forbid, Snape, walking in as he curled up on the ground and sobbed.

Regulus Black was many things, and broken was one of them.

He didn't know if he would ever be able to put himself back together again. 

...

The next morning, Regulus was sitting at the Gryffindor table, squished between Remus Lupin and some girl who introduced herself as Marlene McKinnon.

Reg vaguely remembered her from Quidditch, she was on the team with James.

The Gryffindors made him uncomfortable, but not because they were rude. It was the opposite, really. They were all so nice to him, so unlike Snape and the others in the year above him always said.

Regulus didn't say much during that first meal, partly because he felt out of place and partly because he just enjoyed watching them all.

The first thing he noticed was the tension between his brother and Remus. Strange. Neither one looked at the other, which was quite a feat since they were directly across from each other.

The second thing he noticed, which seemed infinitely more important to him, was James. Or rather, the lack of James.

"He's out on the Quidditch pitch. Been out there almost all morning," Remus half-whispered to him as he buttered a quarter of toast.

Reg nodded, standing.

"Reggie, we'll meet you back here at three, yeah?" His brother asked.

Well, it looked like they wanted to talk to the headmaster sooner rather than later.

Regulus nodded, heading off in the direction of the quidditch pitch. It didn't occur to him to ask how Remus knew he was looking for James until he was halfway there, and by then it was too late to ask.

...

It was hard for Regulus to look away from James most of the time, but it was nearly impossible when he was flying. James Potter was born to fly, that much was obvious. Put James on a broom and he went from a silly seventeen-year-old with messy hair and crooked glasses to a fallen angel. He became this holy, shining thing when he flew. It was breathtaking to watch.

Regulus wasn't sure how long he just stood there, near one of the sets of stands. All he knew was that, at some point, James had spotted him and began to fly toward him.

"Everything alright, Reg?" He asked as he hopped off his broom, giving him that James Potter smile. It was the kind of smile that made you forget your name, forget everything but him.

He blinked, focusing his eyes on a point just past James' head. "You weren't at breakfast. Your friends were worried."

"Ah, my friends. Well, you can tell them that I'm fine, just needed some air." He paused for a second. "Actually, I was just about to head to the library. Want to join?"

He did. He wanted to join so badly, actually. He wanted things to be normal again. He wanted his James back.

But he couldn't have him. It wasn't fair to James. So he shook his head, hating the way it made James' smile fall.

Regulus didn't protest when he walked off the pitch. He just watched as he let the boy who owned his shriveled heart walk away again.

Regulus didn't deserve him. Not now, and not ever.

Regulus Black was many things, but worthy was not one of them.

((Ok, here's another part because I felt the urge to write something. Ik I said I wouldn't post till Wednesday, but I'm addicted to writing about these stupid dudes.

Anywho, you may have noticed a lot of similar phrases in this part. Things Sirius says a lot, like "He was many things" yadda yadda. I'm trying to make them think similarly, ya know to show that they're more alike than they think and all that jazz. Can't tell if it's working or just makes the writing repetitive, so I'd love some feedback!

Also, I've given up on trying to give myself a schedule, cause I am an agent of chaos. Deffo expect a chapter a week though, I'm not that chaotic.

Love you all, thanks for reading, and as always: Don't @ me. ))