All Of Us Are Ghosts Here (Jegulus / Wolfstar Fic)

Sixteen ~ The Breaking Of A Heart

James~

TW: Panic attack (sort of), mentions of homophobia, and James being a dumbass

People loved to say that Remus knew everything, but it wasn't true. James knew at least one thing that his friend didn't, and this one thing was infinitely important.

Because James knew that, as much as Remus tried to hide it, he wasn't alright. He hadn't been for a long while.

It wasn't like in their first few years, when the whole werewolf thing was his biggest concern. There was something more, something that James couldn't identify. He'd tried, these past few years, to make it clear that Remus could talk to him, but he never had.

That's why, on their second night back at school, James decided that if Moony wouldn't come to him, he'd go to Moony.

He hadn't expected his friend to burst into tears. His heart broke, just a little, for him.

"Hey, you're alright Moons. Deep breaths, right? What's that thing you tell Sirius sometimes? In for five, out for seven?" James always felt a little out of his element when he tried to help his friends, like he didn't do nearly enough. The girls liked to call him the "mother hen" of the group, but he honestly didn't know how to help his friends most of the time.

Still, he tried his best. And it seemed to work, after a few minutes Remus had calmed a bit.

"Do you want to talk about it?" James asked him.

His friend opened his mouth. Closed it. Opened it again. "I-," He started, then stopped.

"It's okay if you don't, Remus. Don't force yourself, yeah?"

"It's not- I want to talk about it, I just..." Remus wiped his cheeks, looked away. "It's nothing, never mind. Sorry for keeping you up."

"Moony. I'm your friend, you can talk to me. Nothing that you say will change that. Please, tell me what's going on." James said.

Remus swallowed. Nodded, hesitantly. "My father, he's just- You know, you'd think that having a literal monster as a son would be the worst thing, but no, it's so much worse to have a-" He stopped.

"To have a...?" James prompted, looking at his friend. He wouldn't meet his eyes.

"I just- fuck." He let out a breath of air, curling in around himself like he was bracing for impact before speaking again. "I'm gay, James."

And suddenly, so many things made sense. James couldn't help the tiny laugh that escaped. It wasn't that he found it funny, but he was prepared for the worst. This was-

"Sorry, sorry. I- That's great, mate. I'm glad you told me, really." And then Remus was uncurling, sitting up again.

"You're being surprisingly calm about this," He said.

"What, did you think I'd disown you? If you're happy, I don't give a damn who you shag. Hell, I-" He said too much. Abort mission. Shit.

Gratefully, Remus didn't seem to catch the last part. "Thank you, James. Really," he said, covering his mouth as he yawned.

"You think you're gonna be able to get some sleep now?" James asked, and his friend nodded. "Night, Moony."

"Night, Prongs."

...

James wasn't one to dwell on the past, but tonight that was all he dreamed of.

It was a memory. That cold December night, when everyone else had been packing for the trip home. He'd been with Regulus.

"But The Oddessey has monsters."

"The Illiad has monsters too."

"Yeah yeah, 'Humans are the real monsters', I know. I'm talking about big ones, with claws and shit! How could The Illiad possibly compete with Scylla?"

They were debating their favorite books, a checkers board between them where they sat on the floor of the kitchens. Reg was winning, obviously. James didn't mind.

"Because," Regulus said as he took yet another of James' pieces, "The Illiad has Achilles and Patroclus. Infinitely better than a six-headed monster."

"A dude and his friend are better than a badass monster woman?"

"They aren't friends, they're tragic lovers. Patroclus dies to save Achilles from himself, and Achilles dies avenging Patroclus."

"That's... dark. You like stories like that?"

Regulus shrugged. "Tragedy breeds the greatest love. Knowing it ends badly only makes the good times that much better."

"Can't there be a way it ends well?" He asked, and suddenly they weren't talking about books anymore.

"Nothing ends well, James. Especially not now. Hope only leads to heartbreak."

"I don't believe that." And then they were both leaning over the board, the game forgotten as their lips met.

It was like the earth had stopped on its axis. It was like- well, it was like a million things that James couldn't name, because all he could think about was this boy.

They broke apart after a moment, far too soon. Both of them were breathing heavily, Regulus looking at him with wide eyes.

The scene shifted. Suddenly it was May, and again James was with Regulus in the kitchens.

"I can't do this anymore, Reg! I can't just sit back and watch them kill you!"

"They aren't killing me."

"Bullshit. That's bullshit, and you know it." James was pacing, running a hand through his hair.

"James, I have it under control. Please, just- please." Regulus didn't cry often, but he did cry then. "I just need you to be here with me. There's nothing else you can do."

Just like that, James wasn't angry anymore. He was filled with cold resolve and a little bit of grief.

He turned to Regulus, that boy he loved so fiercely, even if he couldn't express it yet. There was a question in his eyes, one that Reg could read easily. He nodded, and James stepped forward, cupping Regulus' cheeks. He wiped his tears away.

"I'm sorry," he whispered, bending his head slightly to kiss him.

Every kiss with Regulus was different. And this one had the sharp tang of goodbye when James pulled away, out of reach.

"I'm sorry, love. But you need to tell someone, by the end of summer. You need to tell someone, or I will. I'm not going to watch you die."

Regulus froze, confusion and anger mixing on his face.

"I hope you can forgive me someday," He said before Regulus could respond, and walked out of the kitchens.

...

James woke up with tears in his eyes and a shake in his hands. He remembered what happened after that. He had locked himself in the dorm bathroom and sobbed for an hour, a silencing charm and three different locking charms keeping the other boys out.

He excused it later as a long shower. Let the others fill in the blanks because he didn't have the energy.

The last month of class had been torture, he only barely dragged himself through it. The others stopped asking him what was wrong after the second week.

Regulus had been right about tragedy. Nothing ended well, and a part of James knew it wouldn't work out.

But it was nights like this, when he was chased from sleep by the memories he couldn't bring himself to let go of, that he missed his star the most.

At least, after all this, he'd gained back some part of him. That would have to be enough.

((So, now you know how Jegulus broke up... Thoughts?

I feel like the past few parts have been sub-par. I'm going to work hard to make them better, thank you for sticking with me.

Till next time!))