An Email a Day (Andy Barber)

Chapter 6 - Delilah

"Sooooooo, how was your holiday? You look healthy". Abi notes, passing me a cup of tea as I sit on her sofa. I haven't seen her since we closed a week before Christmas, so a huge catch up is needed. No doubt she's going to tell me all the disastrous dates she's had over the holidays with Tinder hookups. 

"As opposed to looking like total shit before?" I ask, sipping my tea. 

She throws me a look. "Babe, you were whiter than Casper the ghost and had the body mass of a skeleton - Will was right in saying that Mexico would do you some good, I mean look at you!" She takes in the 'new me' with a grin. "Banging body, sun kissed skin - you look refreshed". 

I'm not going to tell her that I spent every night in the bar knocking back cocktails to try and ease the pain. "Don't get used to it, it's holiday weight". 

After Will died my weight just fell off, I didn't realise that I wasn't eating until Abi presented me with a massive sandwich from the bakers as well as a slice of cake and told me that I needed to kill the hunger strike and enjoy life again. But it's what happens when you lose someone. Your world just falls apart in front of you, you go into a state of mind not quite aware of what you're doing - well for me it happened but grief affects everyone differently. 

Andy's emails have been helping though, I have to admit that since getting back a couple of weeks ago, I've now found myself looking forward to seeing what he has to say. The time difference between us means that sometimes it doesn't stick to one day, but I suppose now any reply counts. 

"Did you meet any hot Mexican men out there?" Abi now makes a devilish face, but I shake my head at this. "The idea was for you..." 

"To have fun, I know, but do you really think I'd go on a holiday and jump into bed with the first guy I meet? Actually don't answer that". 

Abi laughs. "Back when we were younger? Yeah probably, but then you settled down and that shit went right outta the window". Her laughter dies slowly as she realises what she's said. "But did you make any friends though?"

I contemplate telling her about Andy and decide to do so. "One, a widower like me". 

"Ah, that's sad - when did she lose her husband?" 

I pause. "He". I confirm and see her face falter slightly, "He's called Andy - lost his wife and son a couple of years back". 

Abi winces. "Shit...double loss - what's he like?" 

"Nice. We met on his last night at the hotel though so we didn't have a lot of time to get to know one another". 

I am not telling her about the emails, she'll only start planning the flower arrangements for our wedding that she'd conjure in her mind. Her intentions are good though, she just wants to help me from the dark hole I've been living in. Will was like an annoying brother to her, so she knows that he'd want me to start living again. 

"Was he hot?" She now asks and I shoot a warning look at her. "What? It's just a question?" 

I shrug. "He was good looking, yeah..."

"Should've got his number or something, you could've kept in touch". 

I nod. "Yeah..." 

I'm totally not telling her about the emails now. 

Speaking of which, I open my phone and check them. We're opening the shop back up tomorrow and so I'm expecting a bulk load of deliveries. 

Andy Barber
Gotta be honest, I'd rather be in Mexico... 

I see his name and subject line and smile to myself, now fully aware that Abi is watching. "What's funny?" She asks a little suspiciously. 

"Nothing". I lie, "Just spam emails". 

"Ooooh that reminds me, I signed you up to Tinder". Abi now looks pleased with herself. 

Ok, now I want to die. "Whaaaaaaaat?" I groan. "Abi no!" 

"COME ON! You need to get yourself back in the game!" 

"What game? Dream Phone? Because that's what it's gonna be like at this rate!" I run my hands down my face. "I can't believe you made me a fucking profile". 

Abi sighs. "It'll be fun, anyone you don't like you swipe left"

"What? Like literally?" I ask, I am so out of touch with the dating pool. 

"No! On your phone dickhead!" She rolls her eyes. 

I put my cup down. "Abi, I really don't think that this is a good idea. I mean look at me? Guys don't want some depressed widow..." 

"Which is exactly what you're not. Where's the harm in going out for a drink - if you don't like the guy then you don't even have to see him again, simple". 

"I'll think about it". I tell her and then check my watch - finishing the last of my tea I get up, "I'd better run, I'll see you at work". I tell her and grab my coat. 

Abi comes to see me off at the door. "I'm serious Deli, life's too short - you need to live after loss, that's what your widower friend in Mexico is doing isn't he? I mean he was holidaying alone..." 

"I'll see at work". I repeat again, not wanting to delve further into the conversation. 

**

I wait until I'm home before reading what Andy has sent. 

Delilah

Is it wrong to wish you were back on holiday just weeks after you left. I know you were eager to get home, but this case is already pissing me off, and I'm only on day 1! 🤦‍♂️

Could really use a Margarita and the smooth sounds of Tequila guy - yes I really just said that. 

I laugh gently to myself and quickly send him a message back. 

Wow, you must be desperate! Throw out tequila guy and replace him with the beach and it's a far better combination! Hang in there, you've made it through worse. 👍 

Wanna hear something hilarious and awful at the same time? My friend's signed me up for online dating. Far too old for that shit - she seems to think I should be getting back into the dating game. It just seems a little too soon, plus I'm a complete wreck as it is. No guy would wanna deal with me after what I've gone through. 

He messages back sometime later. 

Delilah

Don't be pushed into doing something you feel isn't right. I'm sure your friend has good intentions, but going from my experience? Take your time and at your own pace. 

You'll know when you're ready.😉

I read the email over and over and then reply. 

When did you realise you were ready? 

It must have been fairly recently, he sends one last reply. 

I'm not. Not sure when I'll be to be honest. It's more me learning to trust another again - my wife kinda destroyed all of that. I'm getting there, but I suppose it's me that's stopping myself for moving forward fully. I ask myself daily what I did wrong, what I could've done, but each time I come up with nothing.

Sorry, turned the conversation into a depressing state now. 

What a right pair we are, and I reply back to him a final time for today. 

You did nothing wrong. Coming up with no reasons is a good indicator to say so, and I'm not just saying that to make you feel better. I'm sorry that your wife destroyed your trust in people, but I hope in time that you can learn to trust me. 

We're in the same boat for the most part. 

Yeah, a boat that we're both hoping won't capsize and drag us under.